Simply Courtney

I used to think that joy = happiness. Then I would be frustrated when things continued to be chaotic, and I never felt “okay.”

Change is a constant in our lives… as much as we would love for things to “settle down,” they never will. Life is messy. Raising kids/teens/young adults is messy. Our constant needs are messy. Not knowing what to do (often) about many situations and circumstances is messy. Feeling like I’ve “figured it out” only to find out that I really haven’t the slightest clue is messy.

We aren’t ever going to have a solid state of happiness. As long as we live in this messy world, our emotions will be up and down.

The thing that I’ve been learning is that despite the chaos that continues to happen in my life, I have a deep joy and know that there is so much to be grateful for. I might have anxiety (with physical symptoms… still…), concern and stress, and not know what to do about so many things, but deep-down, I know things are going to be okay and they are “good.”

Life is so fluid… there’s so much paradox every day. Nothing ever stays the same very long. I also don’t have control over much.

I haven’t written here in so long. I have been writing more on Substack, but I feel like it’s a little too polished for me.

Things ended up changing quite a bit from when I wrote last.

I am now back to teaching in a classroom (which I NEVER saw coming). I am working at a hybrid Christian school which has been an amazing experience so far. I teach 6th grade which I love, the administration is amazing, I’m finding a little community, and it has just been so life-giving. I work just T-Th (and some at home of course). I love my students, I love their parents (who are “co-teachers”), and I love that I can just be myself. I hope to stay there for a long time (God-willing). I look forward to being at the school every week but also love that I’m home 4 days per week!

I am also working on my personal training and nutrition coach certifications through NASM. I signed up in June but it took a back seat as I adjusted to teaching again. The CPT test is in December, so I have buckled down and am chipping away at that class. The CNC test doesn’t have to happen until June.

Karis has been back in college for a bit and is doing SO much better. She absolutely loves her classes and professors, and it has been such a different experience. Her dorm is down the road from my school, so I see her often!

Ethan has had a rough few months, but we are taking one day at a time. Only God knows what the future holds for him. He is currently working in food service and is hoping to move out in a month or so… we will see what happens. He has a friend living here with us in the meantime, and they hope to be able to get an apartment together soon!

Levi is going to take the 12th grade CAT test and graduate early (I did this with Ethan as well). He struggles so much with school (due to AuDHD) but is also so smart. He is still working part time at camp. He has grown so much lately… in maturity, and in stature. He’s over 6’3″ at 16 years old. I think he’s going to be like my dad (he’s 6’6″).

Robert is currently in Utah on a canyoneering trip with his friends. I’m so glad he has this opportunity. He needs it! I am not nearly as “outdoorsy” as he would like, so I’m glad he has buddies that he can do these things with. We ARE going to learn how to ski this winter (which I have mixed feelings about)! I hope I end up loving it, and it becomes something I look forward to every year.

Our needs are met better than ever before, but we are still in the process of digging ourselves out of a hole (debt-wise). I am learning, day-by-day, how to be less of a spender. It’s hard to not spend more when you make more. We have goals, but it’s going to take some time to get there. We still want to live life and enjoy what God has provided!

We are coming up on my favorite (but hardest) time of year. We have had some hard things happen the past few months that I’m still trying to recover from, but I’m doing better than I was a few weeks ago. I just celebrated 10 years of sobriety, and we are coming up on the anniversary of my brother’s death (in addition to other hard things). I do love fall and winter because despite the hard stuff, there’s also a lot of whimsey and joy that comes with the season. Colorado falls and winters hit different than Texas. I truly love the season changes and all the excitement that it brings.

A few weeks ago (on my sobriety birthday actually), I went to an event that was life-changing for me called Into the Quiet: Experience (by John Mark Comer). We received his book as part of this, and I have been reading it slowly. It talks about the necessity of quiet and solitude with God. This has been something I have tried to put into practice daily the past few weeks. I feel like my relationship with Jesus is becoming more intimate, I’m feeling less of a need to control things that aren’t mine to control, and my anxiety isn’t constant (though it still comes and goes). I can’t really put words to it, but I highly suggest reading Into the Quiet for yourself.

So… despite a lot of hard things in my life, there is so much beauty and joy and peace, and there are so many things to look forward to. I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but God does. I also know that I have no ability to control it, so why not leave it in His hands?

I will write more about Into the Quiet, but for now, I’m going to end with this.

Joy isn’t an emotion like happiness. It’s a deep “knowing” that everything is going to be okay and that there is so much to be grateful for despite our hard circumstances. You truly have to allow yourself to feel the hard things in order to work through them. That takes silence, stillness, solitude with God and good therapy (oh yeah, I’m seeing a new, somatic therapist which has helped so much!).

One day at a time. This is my motto because we never know what tomorrow will bring.