Simply Courtney

These past several months have felt extremely heavy. Many of the things that have been going on aren’t things I can share about publicly, but I have been carrying a lot.

Most days I wonder if I will ever have longer “good” seasons. I feel like the majority of my adulthood has been one trial after another. Is there life beyond suffering? Or is this just my life?

I’ve mentioned so many times how much I love the life that God has given me. I’m truly living my dream in many ways. But there is a heaviness that sits on me so much of the time. Between life circumstances that feel impossible to my brain just having constant depression and anxiety, I wonder what life would be like without these things. I also haven’t slept well in a long time. Well, I slept better last night than in a long time, but I still woke up so exhausted.

When I talk with a few friends about the circumstances that are going on in my life, they are like… no wonder you’re struggling. So I know other people might struggle as well despite having a healthier brain. This makes me feel a little better.

One of my friends has told me over and over again that trauma is not a brain defect. She also reminds me of all that I have accomplished and that I keep fighting despite how hard it is some days.

I honestly don’t know where I’d be without my relationship with Jesus. I don’t know how people walk through suffering without Him.

Of course, a relationship with Him doesn’t take away suffering. Suffering is something every one of us must walk through at some point in our lives. The hard thing for me is that it has felt like the majority of my life. I know I wrote a post recently about all the healing I have experienced, and I still believe that. But healing isn’t linear. There will be ups and downs.

Overall, I have gone through so much healing and God has drawn me closer to Him in ways I can’t explain in words. But the hard days, weeks, months, and years will still come. That’s the nature of our fallen world.

My goal is to live a life of gratitude and beauty and to try to focus on the positive. But I do not believe in pretending that everything is okay in the name of positivity.

I’ve been living a life of extreme inconsistency lately which feels chaotic. I’m working on getting back to consistency with the important things.

I have decided on a few things to try to help me get through/out of this heavy season.

One, I have decided to try that medication again (the bipolar 2 med that I stopped because of side effects), but at a different time of day. The thing that made it hard is that I was taking it at night, and it kicked in just as I was trying to fall asleep. I learned yesterday that it can be taken at any time of the day, but it must be taken with a meal (at least 350 calories). So, I’m taking it with breakfast now. We will see how that goes. If that doesn’t go well, I will be talking with my NP next week about maybe trying something else. I have tried almost every medication out there, but she told me of a new one that she can give me samples of.

Two, I have decided to slowly work towards the healthy habits that I lived out last year. In some ways, I’ve grown enough to know that I don’t need to be a certain size or have obvious muscle, etc. So, this process of “intuitive eating” has been good in that way. But I have realized that my brain/mental health needs more structure than what intuitive eating provides. I also need more of a structured workout schedule. I have gone back to logging my food (which isn’t perfect by any means… especially when we eat in the dining hall a lot) and working towards a movement schedule that feels manageable. I worked out and did a lot of walking Tuesday and Wednesday, and it was super helpful. It’ll be a slow process as I truly want to develop solid habits that I can stick with even on the hard days, but I am convinced that it’s necessary for my brain. I’ve also gone back to tracking habits (along with the boys). Slow and steady is the way to truly build habits. My goal at the moment is to do my 5k training schedule and add in some strength type training or WODS (2-3). These tend to be super short workouts. I really want to get back to feeling as great as I did last year when I was super consistent (yet imperfect!).

Three, I’m learning that it’s okay if there are certain things that must happen in my life for it to feel less chaotic. I’m learning that it’s not “control” that I’m seeking but personal “agency.” I need some areas of my life that don’t feel chaotic just to be okay. And that’s normal for many of us. I need to be able to feel like I have the capacity to do what I need in my life for it to feel less out of control. And this may look different for others than for myself. That’s also totally normal. While someone may thrive one way, I will thrive a different way. I need a clean house. I need to make my bed every day. I need to have my consistent morning routine. I need to keep up with laundry and dishes. These are things that make me feel less out of control. And I honestly feel that it benefits the rest of the family as well.

When I’m depressed, it’s super hard for me to think clearly, process what I need, and take action. My brain is foggy, my ability to make decisions isn’t great, and the motivation that I have to take good care of myself is lacking. I have fallen into the “trap” of following what works best for others so many times in my life… especially when I’m struggling with my mental health. I’m working on this, but it’s a slow process.

I’m still trying to get into a solid routine with the boys and their school, but I’m also learning that this will never be perfect either. I’m learning that it’s okay for them to focus some on their personal interests while also doing traditional “school” subjects as well. It can be both. Also, we will be going into the summer with school so that we can be a little more flexible with our school schedule. We have “missed” quite a bit with the move, Christmas, me being sick twice (the second time was almost 3 weeks), being out of town, Spring Break, etc. But they will be okay. I believe they will have what they need for life. Both are very smart and learn so much in their day-to-day lives. They both work at camp, and Ethan actually volunteers at camp a lot even when he’s not scheduled! He loves to serve, and he also loves to be around people.

I plan to be home most of the day today (except meals in the dining hall). I will rest but also work on some planning and prepping for next week. I will workout this afternoon. Tomorrow is a “long run” day (it’s not super long at this time). Running has felt super hard for me as I’m getting back into it, but I know I’ll get there. I have scheduled a race for June, so I have plenty of time. Monday we are going to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science, and next weekend we will be headed to Moab! We have some fun things ahead!