A Little Bit of Hope

I’ve been seeing my psychiatric nurse practitioner for about a year.

I’ve mentioned a few times that my previous PA and my current NP weren’t so sure about the Bipolar 2 diagnosis that I had received years ago.

I have also been on so many bipolar meds over the years, and I didn’t feel any better. In fact, I felt worse.

The main reason my NP and PA weren’t sure about bipolar 2 was because I didn’t have the symptom of lack of need for sleep that is a very common symptom of mania/hypomania in bipolar.

Bipolar 2 is also super hard to recognize and diagnose; Bipolar 1 is a lot more obvious. Bipolar 2 has a more “low lows” than anything. The “highs” tend to be more of just feeling really good. In those seasons, I often feel “healed.”

I’ve been talking with my NP about the possibility of putting the diagnosis of Bipolar 2 back on the table, and today she decided it was time. She decided to treat me for it.

I was taking a medication for Bipolar depression (Bipolar 2) that I remember working decently well when we moved to our last camp (10 years ago), but I had to stop that medication because it was $1000, and it wasn’t covered by our insurance. I then went from medication to medication after that with no luck. At one point, I was on almost a dozen medications at once. That particular medication didn’t have a generic at the time, but it does now. So, we are going to try that one again. It’s under $10 with my insurance!

My NP basically told me that she is going to treat my brain as if I have Bipolar 2 and see how it goes. She tends to focus more on the symptoms than the label. We will just see how it goes. This particular medication helps with the severe depression symptoms in addition to the anxiety and irritability of hypomania.

I am super grateful and hopeful. I’m not “feeling better” today, but I feel a little lighter. The medication is having to be ordered by my pharmacy, so it’ll be a few days until I can start. But it’ll happen soon.

Homestead?

On another note, I have been thinking a lot about whether or not I am actually ready to build up my “homestead.” I feel like I “should” since I have an acre to utilize, but I just don’t know if it’s the best idea. At least not right now.

I tend to go “all in” on things when I’m feeling good and then want to completely strip myself of everything when I’m struggling.

I’ve been excited about having an acre… I have been wanting to get a bunch of chickens, build a huge garden, etc. But today, it feels too hard… which makes me wonder if those days will be more common than I would like to assume.

I LOVE the idea of having a “true” homestead. I love that I have an amazing place to do that. The space is beautiful and perfect. I just don’t know that I should do that to myself.

I’m thinking that I should probably focus on getting well mentally and slowly build the homestead. There is a small raised bed here, and I could start with that. Then I could add chickens in the future, and maybe add more gardening space.

I honestly struggle to even take care of myself right now. Working out feels too hard. Eating well isn’t happening consistently. School has been hard. Living life just feels too hard in general. Maybe medication will help that, and I hope it does! I just don’t know.

We will see what happens. One day, one minute at a time.