These past few weeks have been rough. I feel like all of the struggle is just continuing. It is turning into pretty deep depression.
I tried a new medication for my depression, and things just got worse. I had terrible side effects… I was super out of it, super anxious, terrible dry mouth, extremely fatigued…
Then I started having cold symptoms, and it has turned into a sinus infection. I have Eustachian tube dysfunction, so when I have sinus infections, my ears have SO much pressure. It’s miserable. I had a procedure done on them years ago, but it didn’t cure the issue. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but it still bothers me sometimes. It is also worse when I’m anxious… makes NO sense, but I have weird physical symptoms from my anxiety.
This has been going on for more than a week, but the doctor won’t give me an antibiotic because they say it’s viral.
Homeschooling has felt so hard lately. I keep changing things and can’t seem to be consistent at all. I was going to overhaul everything and focus more on personal interests then kind of panicked and felt like that wasn’t a good idea. So I overhauled everything again.
I keep trying to get into a routine and have consistency, but it’s super hard as I’m struggling with being sick and having depression.
The boys are frustrated with me… I just don’t know what to do with myself.
And they can’t be in school, so it falls on me. Public school has been a nightmare for many reasons. We have tried and tried.
When I’m feeling well, homeschooling is amazing. I’m able to live out my passion with my own kids which is awesome. I honestly feel like I’m a great teacher. I guess it’s okay to have hard seasons.
I just feel like a burden to everyone at the moment.
I also have zero energy or motivation to move my body, eat well, and take good care of myself.
I feel sort of hopeless and helpless.
I feel incredibly overwhelmed and don’t know what to do with myself.
I have therapy in a little while. I’m hoping she can give me some direction. I feel so lost.
I have so much to be grateful for. I honestly have the life I’ve always dreamed of. I cannot help how my brain wants to behave. I am trying…
This morning, I wrote in my journal that I feel like I’m trying to swim through Jello. I also feel like maybe the people in my life would be better off without me since I cannot seem to be well for more than a month at a time. I try so hard to fight it. Every single time it happens. I feel like it’s impossible. Then I try new medications and they don’t do any good. I just feel like I’m out of options.
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2 responses to “Darkness”
Hi! I may be a complete stranger, but as a homeschooling mama who has struggled with my mental health, I am here to tell you that it gets better. You are loved and whole and working towards healing and worthy of fighting for. Have those boys pick some favorite educational shows or movies and watch them as part of their learning or have them play some games or maybe make a puzzle together. Know also that the biggest lesson they can learn from this moment in time is that self-care is imperative and everyone is deserving of rest. Also, keeping working with your prescriber to get your meds right. It took longer than I wanted it to to find the right combo, but it was worth every twist and turn to be where I am right now. You’re in a rough patch but it will get better.
Thank you for this. It gets discouraging some times because it has been 15 years. I have tried almost every medication there is. I’ve done months of ketamine treatments. Lots and lots of therapy. So some days, it feels like I will never heal. But. My therapy yesterday was super helpful in opening my eyes to what’s weighing on me at this exact moment, so I feel more hopeful at the moment. I have been doing MUCH better this past year or so. I’m trying to remember that a rough season isn’t the whole story.
My sons are teenagers which makes it harder. I know the expectation is higher. They also have their own mental health struggles. We’ve gone through a lot. But we will be okay.