What is my motive?

Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to overthink the majority of the time. After my last post about allowing myself to “just be,” I have been working hard at doing that.

I have had a week and a half of processing that, what it means for me, and how to live that out in my life in a way that makes me honor who I am, what’s important to me, and allowing myself to let go of things that just don’t matter to me (but things that made me feel like I was failing if I didn’t invest my time, energy, and money into).

As I’ve tried to determine what’s important to me, I’ve decided to determine the “why” behind those things. What is my motive for these things? It’s easy to just go about our days doing things that don’t even really matter because of terrible reasons that we don’t even know. If that makes sense.

The thing that I do NOT want to do, is to just drop things that I think are important so I can “just be.” We still have to make efforts for growth, to be our “best selves,” and to live to glorify God. It’s so important, though, to know why we do things. It’s also important within this to remember that we will never reach perfection. Also, if I drop some things to “just be,” it destroys my mental health. Good mental health takes effort and true self care. Self care doesn’t mean just laying around and watching Netflix all day. It means mothering yourself, looking at the “big picture,” and thinking about what your “future self” needs.

I know it may seem like I’m over-thinking in this post, but I assure you, I’m feeling pretty confident and comfortable with where I have landed at the moment (being open to change in the future because that’s life).

One of the questions that I have been asking myself (and discussing with a friend who struggles with similar things that I do, and discussing with Robert) is how do I do the things that make me feel best (that take daily effort) without forgetting to “just be.”

Like, I know that I feel my best when I’m moving my body very consistently (probably 5 days per week + getting plenty of steps), drinking water, eating well (mostly whole foods with plenty of protein and fruits and veggies), spending time with Jesus every day, keeping a decently clean home, being outside regularly, and doing my best with our homeschool. But when I look at this, I don’t see someone who is allowing herself to “just be.”

The key here is motive. Why do I do what I do?

If my motives are to do the things that I feel like I SHOULD be doing because that’s what others are doing, what others are saying are important (but I don’t truly find importance deep down), what I feel I’m expected to do as a homeschooling mama, what I feel like it’s what makes me fit into some sort of label better, what others are doing around me, what I feel like will be judged for not doing (even if it doesn’t matter), and on and on, then those are poor motives. I will never be consistent, I will always feel like I’m not “doing enough,” I will always feel like I’m striving, I will always be very all-or-nothing. Because deep down, they aren’t important to ME. I can’t live someone else’s life.

What will allow me to “just be,” is to live out the things that honor who I am and what’s important to me. When I have a clear motive. When it positively affects my mental health and my family’s health. When it brings true glory to Jesus. When my “why” is evident. When I live out the things that honor who I am without guilt because “I’m not doing it right.” That’s how I can live out who I am. That’s how I can “just be,” because I won’t feel like I’m striving to be someone I’m not.

The cool thing is, my decisions in the little things have no bearing on what kind of label I would fit in. Because there isn’t one. I have no specific box to fit into. I can be content and confident while still seeking to be “my best self.” Because I am authentic. I am who I am, and I’m beginning to know who I am. I am learning to not care if others don’t agree or have judgment for me. I am learning how to be free to be myself. The more I am living this out, the better my mental health will be in the long run. I don’t always have control over my mental health, but I am learning to control what I can by learning how to just be me.

I am imperfect and messy (just as everyone is). I am often on an emotional/mental roller coaster.

Sometimes I am super unproductive, and sometimes I’m probably way too “over productive.”

Sometimes I have no patience for my family.

My house is currently pretty messy.

I don’t eat enough fruits and veggies, but I’m working on that because fruits and veggies help me feel my best.

I love Coke Zero. I’ve heard many times that it’s a “neuro-toxin,” but I have found no solid research to back that up; in fact, I have found the opposite… that diet soda isn’t that bad for you. Now, I have to make sure I’m drinking enough water as well.

Some days, all I eat are processed carbs. Some processed foods are fine, though!

Some days it’s hard to even make myself eat because I get so hyperfocused on things. Having some quick proteins are important for those days (I like Fairlife Protein drinks and Trader Joe’s Barebell bars).

Grass-fed, wild-caught, organic, etc are not that important. It is going to take some time to stop feeling like they are because it is ingrained in my brain, but I’m working on it. Each time I shop, I have to make a concerted effort to not gravitate towards those things because I’ve done that even when I couldn’t afford it. Whole foods… meaning meat, produce, nuts/seeds, whole grains, etc are the important part! And quality protein!

I am reading about 8 books right now. I’m working on trying to finish one that I’m loving and relating very well to at the moment. But I tend to always be working on so many books and struggle to finish one.

I often start things and don’t finish. I have started two online certification courses and never finished them. Who knows if it’ll ever happen!

I’m getting to where I don’t buy many “natural” products anymore because they are expensive, and I tend to not like them as much! I do like my herbal tinctures for when I’m having severe anxiety… but I’m wondering now if it’s more just a placebo!

I love having music on most of the day. It usually consists of my “Fave Worship” playlist or my “Fave Folk/Indie” playlist. I also really enjoy my 90’s playlist and a new one that was shared in my Street Parking group that has upbeat Christian music. Hamilton will always have my heart as well.

I’m missing having chickens to an extent because it’s what “I always do” this time of year, but at the end of the day, I like not having that complication in my life. And, I’m starting to realize that my backyard is not going to be good for gardening because it’s very shady. Maybe that’s a blessing in disguise. I haven’t decided where I’m going to land on this in the long-term, but that’s okay, too.

I love to go thrift-shopping, and I always end up with new-to-me books through that. I need more shelving…

I follow/un-follow people on social media regularly based on my mood that day/moment. This has caused some strife over the years. I’m working on just learning to scroll past if I don’t agree with something and working on not being “triggered” so easily.

I also have a history of deactivating my social media regularly. I never stay off long. But I’m trying to learn to just be better with my time. It’s a process. That’s okay. Social media has positives AND negatives. So, I’m trying to just be more intentional. I’m very imperfect with this.

Working out a lot is really good for my mental health. At the end of the day, that’s the most important reason. When I’m struggling with depression, I tend to workout less, which then makes my depression worse. I am trying to learn to force myself to workout even if I don’t feel like it because my mood always changes. There are many reasons for this, one being that it boosts my self-efficacy (helps me to “believe in myself). It reminds me what I’m capable of. It makes me feel strong. There’s also a physical and hormonal component there.

Eating mostly whole foods, eating enough protein, eating more fruits and veggies, eating less fried food/”junk,” drinking water, etc, benefits my mental AND physical health. If you’re feeding yourself all processed foods, then the brain will be starved of the nutrients that it needs just like the body will be. I also feel my best when I am in a certain weight range. I used to beat myself up about that, but that’s just my reality. I have no reason to apologize for feeling that way. Now, if I see my weight as my value as a person, then that’s a problem. But for me, I’m just more comfortable when I weigh less.

Working on my nutrition and movement are also important because I have high cholesterol and cardiac issues run in my family. I also want to be able to keep being active as long as I can.

I am creative. I love to write/blog. I love to make things using Canva. I love to bake sourdough (and make it pretty when I have time). I love to decorate using thrift store decor. I’m a little obsessed with stickers.

I am a good teacher, and I love it! I am in my happy place as a homeschool mom.

I NEED routine. I thrive on it.

I love wildflowers, mountains, cacti, lavender everything, coffee and tea, poetry, alllll the books, having a fully stocked kitchen (food wise… I don’t know why!), a favorite pair of jeans and my Street Parking hoodie, stickers, fun coffee mugs, water bottles, my home gym, hiking, camping, nature…

I don’t have to see anything as black or white. Nothing fits into a box. No one fits in to a box. Every single person is different. From the food that they like to what they think is important to their mental health. It’s all different. That’s how God made us! Society and social media have done a really good job at making people feel like they are not enough just as they are. But I’m slowly learning that I am.

Productivity isn’t necessary all the time, but I also feel good mentally when I am productive. That’s okay, too!

I don’t have to live in fear of judgment anymore. I don’t have to measure up to what someone else thinks is important. I can know that when I workout, I’m doing it because of the intrinsic motivation of feeling really good in my brain and in my skin. I can enjoy the little things.

I will probably need to re-read this over and over again because I tend to forget. But, today I’m going to continue making efforts to live out who I am and what’s important to me. Then tomorrow I will do the same. One day at a time.