Messy and Beautiful- Cease Striving

Ten days ago, I wrote a blog post called “In a Healthy Place.” The main purpose of sharing that was to share about how healthy this place that we live is, but I also mentioned that I am not depressed for the first time in winter (in years). I also just wanted to share about the camp, our new home, and our new life.

Then this past week, the depression hit. I had the reminder that no matter the circumstances… whether I’m in a really healthy place or not (circumstantially), my brain still wants to be depressed/anxious in the winter. I probably need a “booster treatment,” which I can do, but I am also trying to just work through it. It’s definitely not as bad as usual, but it’s still present.

Some Sweet Reminders through a Sweet Book

Yesterday, I pulled out the book Rhythms of Renewal by Rebekah Lyons (which I do pretty much every year at this time), and there were some beautiful reminders with-in the first chapter. The tag-line of the title is “Trading Stress and Anxiety for a Life of Peace and Purpose.”

A few quotes…

“Hadn’t I recovered from these panic attacks years ago?

I guess relapse has a way of finding each of us.”

“On the night of September 20, 2011, I cried out to God for relief, and he flooded me with peace. In the years following, I traveled and spoke about freedom from panic, and I’d even written You Are Free, a book about finding freedom from anxiety. Why had it returned now, seven years later?

I asked God, ‘Am I a fraud?’ How was it that I could speak to so many people about being healed of panic disorder, write a book about it, pray for others to find healing, and find myself facing a panic attack more sever than any attack I’d experienced…”

“Why were shame and loneliness setting in?”

I am NOT a Robot

Last time I felt like I had been through healing only to find myself back where I was before, I also felt like a fraud. A friend of mine told me this… “You are not a robot.”

I am human. My mental health won’t be perfect. My emotions might be all over the place. Life is imperfect. It is messy. But God’s grace is sufficient. Things aren’t going to be amazing all of the time. That wouldn’t be life. 

Learning to Live in the Messy and Imperfect

One of the things that I am constantly realizing about myself is that I am always trying to be perfect in everything. It seems to be my goal with everything in my life.

Last night, as I was laying in bed with anxiety, I just reminded myself over and over again that I can rest. I don’t have to do everything perfectly. Life is messy. Homeschooling is messy. Mental health/illness is messy. Parenting is messy. Relationships are messy. Houses get messy. Consistency in movement and nutrition are messy. 

I have no reason to feel shame for my mental health struggles right now. I don’t need to figure out why. I don’t need to fix it. I don’t need to get to “perfection” so that I don’t struggle. 

I know, I know… perfection is not possible. But my brain still tries really, really hard. 

If only I figured ____________ out, I wouldn’t be anxious. If only I was able to make ____________ perfect, I wouldn’t struggle as much.

One of the things my brain does is it wants to overhaul everything when I feel anxious about something. It wants to try to find something to control… to try to find some way to perfect the thing that I’m feeling anxious about because maybe I’ll be less anxious if I do. But everyone knows that perfection is impossible, so it only makes the anxiety worse. 

Maybe sitting in the messy and imperfect is really what my brain needs for the anxiety and depression to subside. 

Maybe just acknowledging that I am kind of all over the place right now is okay. Maybe just resting and doing the simple thing right now is what my brain needs. Maybe acknowledging that it’s normal for my brain to struggle this time of year and acknowledging that my whole world has been changed the past few months (this is a huge thing) will bring anxiety because that’s NORMAL, is just what my brain needs.

Maybe not expecting perfection in my kids and their schooling and behavior right now is what my brain needs. Maybe it’s normal and okay for them to want to be gaming a little more right now. Maybe not expecting myself to get it “right” all the time with homeschooling is what my brain needs right now. Maybe not giving in to every whim of “maybe I need to change this thing” about our homeschooling to “make myself less anxious” and “make the kids happier” will actually make my brain so much less anxious. Maybe sticking to something, even if I feel like it’s not working perfectly is what my brain AND my kids’ brains need right now.

I told the kids a few weeks ago that I wasn’t going to change anything about our homeschooling this semester… that we are going to just use what we have, and if we need to, we can change some of it for next year we will. But here I am trying to overhaul everything again. That never works. Haha. 

I am pulled towards Charlotte Mason way of doing things for so many reasons, but I can change one small thing at a time instead of completely overhauling everything. It’s okay if my kids are using the notebooks (basically worksheets) that come with a curriculum instead of having them just start doing written narrations about everything all at once. That’s a lot for the kids to try to figure out, here in January, after moving states. I have to keep reminding myself to just stick with what’s working for now! I will slowly be working towards this because I feel it is more simple, and I feel like they will learn better and be able to be more creative. But. One step at a time!

I tend to be pulled towards perfection in diet and exercise as well when I’m anxious. I have been trying SO hard to withstand the temptation to log/track my food, etc. I am trying to just put one foot in front of the other, make decently healthy decisions consistently, and when I feel like I’ve “messed up,” just pick right back up. That’s what consistency looks like. Consistency is NOT perfection.

Cease Striving

Years ago, a friend told me about a phrase in the Bible: Cease Striving.

It comes from Psalm 46:10. Here is the whole verse:

“Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth.” (this is from the NASB version)

Ultimately, with a Kingdom mindset, I can be reminded that He is God and He will be exalted no matter what. 

That also helps me rest in knowing that I won’t screw up my kids. God has them. He loves them more than I do, and He will use them to exalt Himself. He will fill in the gaps for His will and purpose for their lives.

I can’t perfect my way into peace. I can’t perfect my way into an intimate relationship with Him. I can’t perfect my way into mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health. 

The attempt at perfection is an attempt at control; this is not a way to grow into intimacy with Jesus. But laying down my life every day, relinquishing control, and trusting Him with all that I am. That is what brings intimacy with Jesus. Allowing Him to use my weakness for His glory. 

From Straight Path Ministries, this simple explanation means so much:

“What does it mean to cease striving and know that I am God?

Psalm 46:10 tells us, ‘Be still [cease striving], and know that I AM God…then I will be exalted among the nations, and among the earth.’ God tells us in this passage that He is sovereign over everything. Whether the problem is personal or national, He is in control.

The Hebrew word for “be still” is translated, ‘cease striving, forsake, let alone, let it fail.’ How many times have we tried [to] manage something on our own strength…”

I’ll leave you with a song about being messy for His glory…

We’re in the room with the King of Kings
My eyes are fixed upon you only
Just a glimpse and I’m on my knees
The Savior of the world’s in front of me

We’re in the room with the King of Kings
Jesus you’re the one we’ve come to meet
Not yesterday’s love, here we bring
A brand new offering at your feet

Every drip and every ounce
My alabaster emptied out

I’ll pour out all my oil
I’ll wet your feet with tears
You’re the one we’re here for
All we want is you
The fragrance of our worship
Is filling up this room
You’re the one we’re here for
All we want is you

We’re in the room with the King of Kings
You’re limitless in all your glory
So when I worship there is no such thing
As dry or boring you’re worth endless praise

Every drip and every ounce
My alabaster emptied out

I’ll pour out all my oil
I’ll wet your feet with tears
You’re the one we’re here for
All we want is you
The fragrance of our worship
Is filling up this room
You’re the one we’re here for
All we want is you

I might get a little messy tonight
I might dance or I might cry
I don’t care what I look like
Oh I just wanna see you right
Fear of man will leave tonight
I’m letting go of all my pride
I’ll love you undignified
And make the Pharisee see you right

I’ll pour out all my oil
I’ll wet your feet with tears
You’re the one we’re here for
All we want is you
The fragrance of our worship
Is filling up this room
You’re the one we’re here for
All we want is you

This is based on a passage in Luke 7: