This morning, through the Lectio 365 app, we read the story (Luke 7:36-50) about the woman who was so humbled and grateful to be with Jesus that she wet his feet with her tears and poured an alabaster jar of oil/perfume on his feet. The Pharisees were like… if you knew who this woman was and what she has been doing, you wouldn’t be allowing her to do that. She’s a SINNER. Jesus told them that this woman can see herself for who she is and is so grateful to be with him. She was the only one in the room who saw Him for who He was. She didn’t care how messy things were or how crazy she might look. She was so incredibly grateful to be in the room with Him. Her creator and savior who loves her more than anyone.
A few little lessons…
“But whoever has been forgive little, loves little.”
“The Pharisee saw a sinner, Jesus saw salvation.”
“I see the Pharisee’s cold calculation contrasted with lavish love.”
“…true thankfulness isn’t neat or reserved; it’s messy, vulnerable, costly.”
Today isn’t just a “normal” Thanksgiving for me.
The past few years have been very hard but also very healing in so many ways.
Coming to Colorado has been a challenge but also life-changing.
I have suffered a lot of my life with severe anxiety (with debilitating physical symptoms), depression, addiction, trauma, isolation, darkness, relationship struggles, deep parenting struggles, and just not really knowing how to live each day.
Being here hasn’t been perfect. I have still struggled with depression and anxiety off and on. Two of my kids have struggled off and on. One of them has struggled almost the whole time we have been here. Working and living with people has its challenges (no matter what). I have still been working through what’s FOR me, what I want, what God is calling me to each day, how to parent teens who struggle a lot, how to manage money well, and how to be a better friend and co-worker.
All that has been going on in the world, with the “Church,” in politics and our government, and many things that are out of my control have weighed on me so much.
But.
Through everything, I have come to a place of healing that I never expected. Truly. I am doing better mentally than I’ve ever done. I still have hard days, but they don’t tank me as badly as they used to. I feel like I have grown so much and have a depth that I would have never had if I hadn’t been through all that I have. My relationship with Jesus is more real and stripped down than ever before. I have an intimacy with Him that I wouldn’t have had without the messy.
I have seen growth in my kids as well that has been amazing to watch (despite all of the difficult things that they/we have been through). I try not to share a whole lot about them, but I am hopeful for their futures. One day at a time. Everything that they have been through is part of their story and a reason for the growth that they experience in life. I cannot control the decisions that they make or how they will turn out, but I trust that God will use all of this for their good in the future.
We have been provided for in ways that we never expected to happen. We finally have enough money to take care of our needs, we live in an amazing 5 bedroom home on an acre in Colorado (which is honestly just a dream), our insurance is the best we’ve ever had, I am so grateful for a part time job that seems perfect for me in this stage of life, and we are slowly learning how to manage money better (it helps that we have enough to manage).
The psychiatric nurse practitioner that our whole family uses (except Robert) has changed our lives as well.
I have more peace, joy, and hope than I’ve ever had. Even on the really hard days.
I have learned more than ever how little control that I have which is honestly very freeing.
I am learning to trust God even when things don’t make sense.
I allow myself to have rough days and rough moments. Anxiety isn’t going to kill me. Leaning into it instead of fighting it has helped so much.
Part of the healing process is learning and realizing that healing isn’t linear. There will still be difficult moments. There will still be some anxiety. I will still have “down days.”
I am learning what’s FOR me and what’s not. I’m still trying to figure out how to live some of that out, but that’s okay. I am still thrown around sometimes by people’s opinions and what’s best for them, but every time that happens, I realize more and more who I am and what I want. Some lessons have to be re-taught over and over to really sink in.
I’m learning that God isn’t mad at me. No one cares what I do and don’t do. And if they do, it doesn’t matter. I am not “in trouble” with anyone when I make a decision. God just loves me so much and wants to be with me. My family and friends love me for who I am and don’t feel that I need to change. My questioning isn’t a sin but a normal human reaction to things that don’t make sense. God isn’t worried about it.
I have learned how to set boundaries and do the things that are best for my mental health and the mental health of my family… even if others might not like it. I have learned to really listen to myself, my body, and my needs and take action to keep them healthy. I’ve learned that that isn’t selfish or bad.
I still worry (in the back of my mind) about everything falling apart. I still feel the need to hold on to some semblance of control because I worry that if I don’t, I won’t be ready when the bottom falls out. Every time I get really comfortable, something really hard happens. But that is getting less and less over time. One day, one moment, one second at a time.
I’m not always “okay,” but I’m okay with not always being okay.
Some more things that I’m thankful for…
The climate in Colorado is my favorite.
We live in and around so much beauty.
I love the little homestead that I have created that is simple to maintain.
Our wood-burning fireplace is amazing.
This is one of my favorite houses that we have lived in. Each kid has their own room, we have a great gym space, and we have a guest room/office!
I love that we have the opportunity to have people over more and more. We have such a sweet community.
We are loved and accepted here more than ever before. As we are. Including my kid who makes questionable decisions.
I am gaining balance and flexibility in things that I have struggled with for a long time. Sometimes I find myself trying to “go extreme” again, but I reign it in pretty quickly.
I could probably go on and on, but I will stop for now so that I can start Thanksgiving dinner prep!
simplycourtney.org 