I have felt too overwhelmed to put thoughts into words. I have felt like my words wouldn’t matter or even make sense.
I have been too overloaded mentally to process through the chatter in my head.
I am finally feeling some mental and emotional space, so I thought I would give it a shot.
I know that I’m not alone when I say that the state of the country and the political climate has been exhausting, frustrating, discouraging, disheartening, depressing, and infuriating.
I have been baffled by “Christians” and haven’t even wanted to claim to be a Christ-follower lately. I am saddened that so many people see Christ-followers as terrible people due to the loudness of a few.
I have been reminded that so much of the “domination model” has been led by people who claim Christ as their Savior from the beginning of time.
People have been hurt by “Christians” and God has been used as a weapon for centuries. No wonder so many people want nothing to do with God. I don’t blame anyone for that.
The separation of church and state was created to keep this from happening in our country. Now there are so many blurred lines that people don’t know what’s true.
“Christians” are protecting power, pedophilia, control, violence, and chaos, and have said that Jesus is being glorified through it. “Christians” are saying that this administration has been placed in power by God Himself.
Nothing that is happening reflects Jesus even in the slightest. I’m thinking at this point that these “Christians” don’t actually read their Bible or know what Jesus taught.
I have honestly been struggling with serving in full time ministry or even going to church. I love the people that I work with, and I love serving people, but I feel like I’m being complicit in what “the Church” is preaching and promoting and using against those He called us to love. I have felt so torn because of this. My attitude hasn’t been the greatest. I have been angry and frustrated.
I have been confused by what I’m reading in the Old Testament and have questioned my own faith. I have been living with and have been exhausted by my own doubts.
I have decided that the church we were going to was just perpetuating all of this. Mega churches shouldn’t exist.
We do not know where to go from here church-wise, so we are taking a break. I still spend time with Jesus every day. I don’t feel that a church building makes or breaks my relationship with Christ.
As someone who has been through some really hard traumas, has been in rehab and got sober, has experienced relationships with people who have been hurt by the “Church” and with people who have also been through so much, my perspective on things is very different from someone who has grown up in the “Christian bubble.” I see people as God’s children even if they are addicts living on the streets. Even if they are gay or trans or live a life completely different from mine. I prefer to be around those who make no sense to “Christians” than “Christians” who are hateful towards them. Robert and I go to a coffee shop in Old Colorado City and spend time with all kinds of people who are different from ourselves. We feel at home there.
I don’t see people as a project but as a whole human created by God who has so much purpose in this world. Everyone has a story. Everyone deserves to be seen as they are. Everyone deserves to be loved and have relationships.
Through my frustration with “The Church,” I have realized that my love for others has been conditional.
This was a hard thing to realize and admit. I have wanted to love “people who are hard to love” but not “Christians who are hard to love.” Whew. That has been a Truth that is hard to swallow. I have allowed my anger towards “The Church” to overwhelm me to a point in which I didn’t want to be part of what God has called me to. I have allowed my anger towards “The Church” to make me not love as well as I have been called to.
I started thinking about the people that Jesus hung out with and realized that He would spend time with people that I have been angry with. That is so hard to grasp, honestly. It has opened my eyes to the fact that this has affected me in ways I didn’t realize.
No one “has it right.” No one is beyond the grasp of Jesus. Jesus paid for ALL of our sin, not just the sins that make sense to me. We are all in need of His grace and love.
All Christians think that their version of Christianity is the “right one,” but I’m sure we all have it “wrong” in some ways.
I’ve been praying that God would give me love and grace to share with others even if I feel they aren’t worthy. I’ve been praying that God would help me live a life of gratitude and peace even in the midst of the chaos that is all around us. I’ve been praying that He would help me serve Him with gladness even when I get frustrated. I’ve been praying that people would see Him in me despite my humanity. I’ve been praying that people won’t think of me as an angry person but a person who loves well.
I will always be a “work in progress,” but I hope to continue growing every day into the person that He has created me to be.
None of this comes from a place of guilt or shame. It all comes from a place of joy and gratitude and grace. I am okay with feeling frustrated with the things that are going on (they don’t represent the Christ that I know). This is a normal feeling/reaction. I’m just trying to use it as a springboard to live a life of love and not one of anger. It feels terrible to be angry all the time… that only brings anxiety.
We cannot control others, situations, politics/the government, or really anyone but our own reactions. Being angry also does the opposite of what we desire. Coming to others who we don’t understand with love and grace is what glorifies God.
I read some blog posts this morning that helped SO much with my perspective. They are written by a man named Richard Dahlstrom. He spoke at a conference that we went to in February, and his words have been life-changing for me. I have watched many of his sermons, read a few of his books, and have read many of his posts. He understands and feels as I do about a lot of things, but he also puts things into perspective and helps me see the big picture.
Here are a few of his posts that resonated with me:
Domination: The ‘Why’ of Evil, Fear, Anxiety, and Violence
Shalom Living: A Practical Path to Daily Peace
His book Forest Faith has also been life-changing for me. It’s a very short book, and I suggest giving it a shot.
All this to say, I don’t have it all figured out. Some days are harder than others. Sometimes it’s hard to know when to speak up and when to just walk away. I am still trying to learn boundaries. I think that’s the point. This will be something that I am working on forever.
I just hope that people see Jesus in me and see me as a person of love, not anger and frustration.
simplycourtney.org 