From “The View Between Villages” by Noah Kahan
“Passed Alger Brook Road, I’m over the bridge
A minute from home but I feel so far from it
The death of my dog, the stretch of my skin
It’s all washin’ over me, I’m angry again
The things that I lost here, the people I knew
They got me surrounded for a mile or two
The car’s in reverse, I’m grippin’ the wheel
I’m back between villages and everything’s still”
This song refers to the mixed feelings that he has when he visits “home.” It’s a bittersweet experience. He is talking about the heartbreak that he experienced while living there that comes flooding over him when he returns.
This is incredibly relatable for me.
We just spent the last 5 days in Texas (well, including the travel days). It was so good to be there in many ways. I hadn’t seen my parents in a long time (which has a whole story to it as well, but things are good now). We had a great time together. I got to see my Meemaw who is doing better than she has in a long time. We drove by the house that I grew up in, the elementary school that I went to (and lived close to), the library where I spent many of my summer days, and the town where I grew up (that has changed so much).
The trauma that I went through and the pain that I suffered also came back with a vengeance. I was anxious the whole time (and still am if I’m honest). I have gone through so much healing in Colorado, and I honestly think it’s because I was able to leave a lot behind and move forward with my life.
The room that we sleep in is the room where my brother died. My parents still live in that house (that was their home, so it was completely up to them to stay or leave). The memories that I have from the house where I grew up (a different house from where my parents live) were bittersweet because those days are long-gone. I will never get to experience that life again nor will I ever get to have experiences with my brother again. I haven’t lived in that house since the early 2000’s, and I honestly remember it so differently from what it looks like now. Maybe that’s good.
I miss my brother. I miss the life that I had before he took his. The memories that I have of growing up are very bittersweet now.
My life in Texas since his death was met with suffering, alcoholism, mental illness, and isolation.
I’m grateful for the life that I have now in a new, healthy place.
Life will always be life. There will always be tension between light and darkness. The light makes the darkness more manageable. I will keep seeking the light and trust God to help me wade through the darkness when it comes to pass.
My life is full of joy and hope and peace despite the suffering that I have gone through. I will continue to focus on gratitude even when things feel like they are falling apart. There is always much to be grateful for.
simplycourtney.org 