As moms, from the moment we find out we are pregnant, we want to protect our babies. We want them to thrive. We have dreams of who they will become as older kids, teenagers, and adults. We have an idea in our minds of how that will look from the moment they are born. We think we can control how that will go if we feed them healthy, make sure they don’t watch “bad” things, control the people they spend time with, take them to church, teach them about Jesus, and keep them close. “I will never…” crosses our lips on more than one occasion. Then life happens. And you realize you never actually had any control.
If I had my way, I never would have gone through the trauma that I went through, I would not have become an alcoholic, I would not have suffered with mental illness for years and years, and my kids would not have their own mental health struggles (along with the trauma that comes from having a mom in active addiction for quite a while). If I had my way, I would have protected my kids from the suffering that the world brings, the darkness, and the decisions that feel impossible to make. Our stories often don’t turn out the way we envision, but maybe that’s the point.
Obviously, I would never have wanted to suffer or for my kids to suffer. No one really wants to suffer. But. Through that suffering and subsequent healing, I have seen huge growth in my own heart and mind and life. Some of the suffering was by my own hand, but a lot of it was not. I now have depth that I never thought I would have and can handle the struggles that life throws at me better than before. My story can also help others.
Now I have to sit back and allow my kids who are almost adults (and one young adult) to go through the same process. I cannot control the decisions that they make or the struggles that they suffer through. I cannot force them to make better decisions. I cannot decide what they will do with their futures. I also cannot fix things when their decisions bring consequences that are hard to manage. In fact, I shouldn’t. If I did, then they would never learn. I cannot protect them from life. This is all part of their stories.
My family and I were in Texas visiting my parents, and we decided to leave one of our kids there for over a month (at least- this was planned before we left). This kiddo needs it, and so does the rest of our family. We all need a break. To be able to breathe. To give this kiddo some space to make better decisions that could positively affect his future without all the noise that has been screaming at him. To give his siblings the opportunity to live in a world with less chaos. And to allow his parents that same opportunity.
As a mom, I feel like I have failed. I didn’t protect him from the world. I didn’t protect him from the opportunity to make poor decisions that could affect his life. But. I also know that no matter what, he would have made his own decisions anyway. He is his own person. I never had control over any of it… ever. I tried and tried. I pulled him out of school to homeschool multiple times (when things started falling apart), but I realized that doing that didn’t solve the issue at hand. I sent him to mental health hospitals multiple times. I have made sure he had a psychiatrist and medication and therapy for years. I have tried to be a safe person to talk to. I tried to control the people he spent time with. I took him to church and youth group. I taught him from God’s Word since he was tiny. He still made the decisions he was going to make. There is only so much we can do as moms, especially as the kids get older. These choices were all on him. I feel sort of guilty for needing a break, but my friend reminded me that we all have to set boundaries. We are taught and conditioned as moms that we have to put our kids before us, but I’m learning that that isn’t always healthy. He is almost an adult. It’s time for him to own his decisions, and it’s okay that we need room to breathe and to stop living in “fight or flight” for a minute.
I look back at my life and see that so many of my decisions weren’t necessarily the best… I know that there are things that I could have done differently and things might have turned out “better.” But I also know that my story is my story. Life is not linear or ideal. We all have to learn from our choices and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way. As a mom with teenagers and a young adult, I have to sit back and watch that unfold without any control. This is a very hard place to be. But I also know that God is ultimately in control of my kids’ lives, and I have to trust that He will work things out for good. Even if it takes a while or doesn’t turn out how I would like it to.
I’m worn. I didn’t realize how much this kiddo’s decisions had wreaked havoc on my nervous system. I feel like I can rest. There are many things that have made me feel the need to constantly be aware, in control, and that I couldn’t let my guard down at any point. Any time I did, something crazy happened. Things that I don’t feel can be shared publicly, but when I do share them with friends, they aren’t surprised that I feel how I do. Some of it is shocking.
I’m going to allow myself to accept what is. I’m going to allow myself to focus on getting to a better place in my own self care. I’m going to allow myself to breathe, rest, get back to routine, and live with joy. I’m going to pray that God would do amazing things in this kiddo’s life and attempt to let go of any control that I thought I had. I’m going to allow myself to have joy as I trust that God will do things that I could never do. I’m going to allow myself to accept that I couldn’t do what wasn’t mine to do. At the end of the day, as parents, we don’t have control. We don’t get to decide how our kids’ lives will turn out. And it’s okay to let go, set boundaries, and live my own life in the mean time. I’m allowed that. I deserve that.
simplycourtney.org 