Sacred Unraveling

SACRED. Holy. Set apart. Divine.

UNRAVELING. Threads loosening. Coming undone. Letting go. Surrender.

Through the mess of unraveling, I have developed a deeper relationship with the person of Christ. He has been right there with me as I have been learning who I am and slowly lowering the mask that I have been wearing my whole life.

The work of unraveling a “truth” that is not mine to carry is messy AND holy.

Deconstruction has been part of my story, but it isn’t the end.

Deciding what’s for me and what’s not is part of my story.

Realizing that I’m not FOR everyone is part of my story.

Digging into WHY I do certain things is part of my story.

Healing from trauma is part of my story.

Mental illness is part of my story. Neurodivergence is part of my story. Trauma is part of my story. But these are not the end.

Learning to love people who are hard to love is part of my story. I’m not always great at this, but I seek to love like Jesus loved (loves).

SEEING what’s true can feel impossible at times, but it is worth the work.

Learning to ignore what’s damaging is challenging, but it is worth the work.

Learning to let go of the need to be right or over-explain is really difficult, but it is worth the work.

I’m now 43 and have realized recently how much of my life I have lived by imitating what others do and have said is right which has truly made it difficult for me to know what I believe. This has caused continuous extreme ups and downs, and I have been constantly swayed by this.

I have kept my true self hidden… even from myself. I am finally beginning to see the outlines of the self that I have kept hidden… masked and quieted to fit into a world that never truly saw ME.

This is not a story of crumbling.

This is a story of renewal.

I’ve been wrestling with so much. My faith, parenting teenagers, never feeling like I’m “doing it right,” the desire to want to control things that are out of my control, my past trauma and struggles greeting me again, body image and the diet industry, and the person that I am… I never feel “enough.”

I’ve been living in the tension of the suffering that I have experienced for years and the provision that God has given in my life now. Grief and gratefulness. The darkness and the light. I’m truly more joyful and at peace than I have ever been, but that doesn’t take away the difficulties in life. It just helps me sustain in the dark night. The growth that I’ve experienced is the light in all of this. The difficult things that happen in my life no longer pull me under water. I’m grateful to God for this, but I’m also grateful to myself for all of the work that I have done for years. I hope that God continues to use all of this to bring others to Himself and out of suffering.