Things have felt like they were falling apart the past week or so. I can’t really go into details, but I thought things were so much better with one of my kids, and I found out that that was further from the truth. Things have been very very hard.
Ethan is probably going to do the GED instead of finishing high school. It’s a very long story, and I cannot go into details online. But it has been a very hard week for all of us. He has several options, but he is just DONE with school at this point. It has been a really hard MANY years for him (and our whole family). He doesn’t want to homeschool anymore, and I honestly don’t want to homeschool him. He will study for the GED exam as his “school,” then take the test. He will most likely go into trade school or community college next fall.
In addition to all of this, we realized that online school was NOT going to work for Levi. He came in super behind, and we just knew it would be impossible to catch up. He had 60+ lessons to do in each course (except for one- he had a lot less lessons in that class). One less took 30-60 minutes. So, he is homeschooling on the days he’s not in class instead of doing online school. This was our original plan, and now that I’m working part time, it feels more possible. I just knew I couldn’t do that if I was working full time.
One of these days, we will not have so much chaos in our lives. Hopefully. I am worn from it all. I haven’t been sleeping well, I’ve been more anxious, and I’m just at a loss for how to parent well.
I feel like I just keep making the wrong decisions and that I just don’t know how to parent these kids.
I know that as parents, we can only do our best. I feel like we have done a good job, but our kids are also whole human beings with their own personalities, strengths, and weaknesses. It’s just the way it goes. Ethan will be 18 next June, and Levi will be 16 in February. We are getting close to being “done.” Of course, Karis left for college last year and is back this year, but she is starting to make some future plans. Hopefully she will be able to take care of herself in the long-run. Having autism and ADHD complicates everything for her and makes life harder.
I’m honestly sad that every single one of my kids has so many extra struggles from the average kid/teen. This may be something that I need to grieve. Not only do I struggle so much (though I have been doing better lately), but all three of my kids need so much support. It’s not their fault! It’s just hard. Well their decisions are their own. But you know what I mean.
The state of our country and the world is also super overwhelming for me. I am so incredibly confused by it all. How can Christians think it’s okay to treat people the way this administration is treating people? How can people watch this president become more and more authoritarian and cheer? How can people say that they love Jesus and support people who are abusive, racist, sexist, and on and on? Make it make sense. All of this has honestly caused a lot of issues for me and in my faith. Between this and studying the Old Testament in depth (I have more questions than answers), I feel like I’m going through a second “deconstruction.” I thought I had gotten past this, but I just have so many feelings and thoughts about everything. And questions and confusion. I’m just praying through it all and hoping for peace and answers about all of this. We will see if that ever happens.
I’ve never been one to focus on politics, but I feel like this is all bigger than politics. Way bigger. It’s the livelihood of thousands and possibly millions of people. I’m watching this country turn into a fascist regime right before my eyes. And people are cheering.
Anyway… I have had some good days this past week despite the hard stuff, but the hard stuff is feeling heavy.
Thursday, we leave for Texas. We will be visiting my sis and brother in law for dinner and staying the night Thursday, then we will be heading to my parents on Friday. We will come back home Monday. I have travel anxiety in addition to anxiety about all that has been going on. I am excited about the trip, but I always have anxiety before we travel. I think once we make final decisions and get on the road, I will be able to relax a little. We will see!
I’m trying very hard to settle into the good things going on in my life despite the struggles. I still love it here, I still love our home, I still love the Colorado fall weather, and I’ve been doing better despite everything. I’m just feeling more overwhelmed at the moment than I have in a while. I am learning that I can’t control anything despite trying so hard.
simplycourtney.org 