Life is weird.
I am simultaneously in the best season of my life, AND I’m also wrestling with a lot of deep stuff.
My anxiety and depression are managed at the moment. I have days in which I have some anxiety, but it’s no longer the 24/7 hell that I lived through for so many years. For that, I’m incredibly grateful.
We have a sweet life in many ways. We live in Colorado which was always a dream. We have an amazing home and live on an acre of land (again, IN Colorado). We are (slowly) getting financially stable, have amazing health insurance/healthcare (which is HUGE when you have a whole family with mental health needs), the weather here is my favorite, the kids are finally getting settled into a better spot, we have great friends, and I could go on and on.
So nothing that I’m going to discuss is out of a place of anger, anxiety, depression, or ungratefulness.
I honestly think that BECAUSE I’m doing so much better, I am able to “feel the feels” without it overwhelming me. I think this is actually such a healthy place to be. I will always be a person of depth, curiosity, and I live life with an open hand. I am willing to change my mind, and I am willing to try to see other sides. But there are certain things that I will not change my mind about.
Some Good Stuff
I will be reducing my work hours to part time starting next week. I’m so grateful! Since we have another full time assistant, I was able to go part time! I will be working about 6 meals per week which is about 24 hours.
When I started this job, it was on a trial basis to see if I could handle it. At the time, I had no choice but to be full time. When the new person was hired to work full time, I started thinking that maybe I could go part time. I have always felt like part time was best just based on my mental health history and also trying to be a mom raising teenagers. I’m grateful that things worked out the way they did. God orchestrated all of it. When I approached my boss about it, I found out she had already been thinking about that. She had even mentioned it to our director, and he said to just wait and see how I’m feeling. So, it was a no-brainer for everyone. They already had ideas of how it would all work. Honestly, it really makes more sense for camp. A third person is super helpful, but we are about to be a lot slower for a while, so three full time people aren’t necessary. I am still paid salary (based on the reduced hours) which means I get paid for the 3 weeks that we are closed, and I can earn comp days. During the summer, I will go back to full time hours. They have also told me that I can go back to full time if I want to… at any point. They want me to stick around and have felt like it has been such a good fit for me. I agree! I was just overwhelmed. They want to make it work for me and for our family which is honestly so amazing.
Levi is now doing hybrid school- every other day will be online (through the district). He feels a lot less overwhelmed and more settled with school now. Most of his “hard classes” will be online. He will still go to school every other day.
It’s officially fall! I LOVE this season in Colorado. It’s cool, the trees are changing colors, and you can just feel it in the air.
My cousin will be moving to the area soon! She will be about 20 miles from me. I cannot wait till she gets here! We have never lived close to each other, but we have grown closer over the years. She is actually my third cousin, but we even went to the same high school. She has been a constant in my life as I’ve gone through hard things. I’m just so excited to be able to hang out with her!
We have possibly found a new church that feels the way we do about a lot of things. We watched it online this past Sunday and hope to visit it soon. I am working Sunday morning this coming week, so we may have to wait. They only have one service (10:00 Sundays), and it’s a much smaller church than what we have been going to. We will see how it goes, but I have been having a hard time with how large the church is that we have been going to.
Some Hard Stuff
The division right now in politics and even among Christians has been exhausting for me. I can see a bit from both sides. The extremes on both sides are so divisive, and that’s the point. Social media and the extremes on both sides WANT to cause that division. I have been worked up for months about all of it, and the past few weeks have been the worst. The thing that I have the hardest time with is feeling like politicians are using God’s name for their gain. At the end of the day, that’s the thing I struggle with the most. I also feel like people are turning away from The Church every day because of this. But I’m also being told that people are turning TO the church because of this. I haven’t seen that, but I’m trying to take people’s word for it. I know that there are “multiple sides” to all of this. A lot of it depends on which side of social media that you’re on!
In Jesus’ time, there were a ton of issues in the political sphere as well, and he didn’t even care. He was beyond that. Which is something I would love to get to as well.
Because of a lot of things that have been going on, I have been struggling with doubts and frustration with the Church as a whole. I have honestly been struggling with the desire to go to church, and I keep feeling like church leadership isn’t getting involved in things as they should. But I could also be seeing things wrong, and I can admit that. Sometimes we see things through our pain and trauma and not clearly.
I’m praying that God would help me lay it at His feet. All I can do is focus on loving people well, even if I disagree with them. I also want to love “the least of these” well.
simplycourtney.org 