Rest

I didn’t mention this in a post, but a few weeks ago, I ended up in the ER due to having severe chest pain. They ran a ton of tests to see if it was a heart issue or a blood clot. Everything was perfect.

A few days later, I followed up with my primary physician, and he told me that based on symptoms, it was definitely musculoskeletal. But, he was also concerned about my cholesterol (it has gone up even more), so he wanted me to go back on cholesterol medication. I had tried a few in the spring but had side effects. I told him I would try again.

Due to the chest pain and then finding out my cholesterol has gone up even more, I started having health anxiety again. I felt that I needed to make major changes, all at once (like my brain tends to do). I have also been listening to a podcast a whole lot that basically talks constantly about optimizing. I decided last week that I would follow his workout program. It is a lot… Three days of strength training, three days of conditioning (CrossFit type workouts), and a long run. Also sprinkling mobility work in there. It’s fine for someone who does fitness for a career, but it doesn’t work for everyone.

I wasn’t able to do the program this week, and I was beating myself up.

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 2:30 due to not feeling well. I worked 5:30am-2pm then came home and did chores and things around the house. I went to bed semi-early but woke up at 11:30 with severe throat pain. I thought maybe that I had strep. I was freaking out a bit due to really needing to work this weekend. I took some meds then went to bed. I slept really well, and when I woke up, my throat was feeling a bit better. I thought maybe it was just from the meds. I went back to sleep and when I woke up, I was feeling even better.

Feeling bad actually reminded me that sometimes our bodies tell us what we need, and right now, my body needs rest. It doesn’t need a workout at the moment. It doesn’t need strictness but grace.

I joined a strength focus group in Street Parking which is honestly perfect for where I am right now. It’s just two workouts per week that are “required,” then I can add things in as I can handle it. I want to also get more hiking in as we are shifting into the fall season. I’m just going to take one day at a time and truly listen to my body. I would also love to add in more running, but I just might not be able to at the moment.

I still need the structure, but I am also remembering how important it is to take things slowly as habit change is a slow process. When I try to “go all in,” I end up wanting to give up completely, but that’s not truly what I want. I want consistency with balance, so I will continue working on that. My nutrition coach and I are working on “balanced plates” for my nutrition focus. This basically means that my goal is to have protein, carbs, fat, and fruits/veggies with every meal. I do this pretty consistently already, but I feel that the “focus” helps. I also really try to listen to my body and stop eating once I don’t feel hungry anymore. This is something I feel pretty consistent with.

I also notice that I still focus on my weight and size way too much. I don’t understand this as I’m actually a healthy size. But my brain is always wanting to “optimize” everything, including my weight. Something that I’m trying to remember is that my lowest weight is way too hard to maintain. The weight that I am now has been maintained most of this year, so it’s definitely my body’s happy weight. I just feel like we are constantly bombarded by people talking about weight loss and how important it is. I feel like this is something I need to continue working on with my therapist. I know a lot of women struggle with this which honestly makes me sad. But I also know that I focus on it more than a lot of people. I am still working on just living “in the moment” and enjoying this life that God has given me. I’m so grateful for all of the good in my life (which is a lot). I trust that I will continue growing and taking steps forward as I continue figuring out what is “for me.”