Last year, I thought I had been “healed” for a bit. But my mental health was still VERY up and down. This time last year, I was slipping back into depression. I was looking at old posts yesterday (and old journal entries). I also experienced severe anxiety all last summer. Then I was severely depressed, honestly, until I started working at camp full time this summer.
My depression went away almost immediately, and I haven’t seen it return.
There are many reasons for this. As I reflect, I didn’t know who I was, what I was called to, what my purpose was, what was best for me and for my kids, or anything. I was in my head 24/7. I struggled to form healthy habits that were sustainable because I was either ALL IN or ALL OUT. I was following what others were saying were best for them. I didn’t know what was best for me. I was sitting a lot and not getting sufficient movement. I was eating everything in sight.
I thought I was bipolar. I thought I was autistic. My ADHD symptoms were terrible. My anxiety and depression were up and down to extremes constantly.
Since I’ve started working full time (at camp), I’ve learned so much about myself.
Like I said in my last post, I just feel more grounded than ever before. It’s really hard to put into words.
I’ve definitely had good days and weeks in the past. The thing is, even in those good days and weeks, I still struggled behind the scenes. I was just good at pushing it aside to an extent. I still didn’t know what I wanted. I still didn’t feel settled or grounded. I was trying to do all the things thinking I would be able to continue that “feeling,” but it didn’t last.
I’ve learned a lot about myself these past few months. The first is that most everything I did was to either please others, fit into a box, or following what others were doing that were best for them. I also loved the idea of a lot of things that weren’t for me.
A BIG one is that I kept trying to homeschool because that’s what Levi wanted, it’s what I thought was best for Ethan (I was really just trying to control him), and the idea of it was exciting to me based on past experiences. At the end of the day, it wasn’t really best for any of us. It was keeping Levi from doing hard things that could help him grow, it kept me from being able to work and focus on the purpose that God has for me, and it kept Ethan from being able to learn to make better choices by experiencing the decisions that he needed to make. I loved homeschooling when the kids were younger, but I did NOT like homeschooling high school. Honestly, though, I don’t know that homeschooling was ever a great fit for our family. I kept trying for various reasons, but I think I liked the idea of it more than the actual act of homeschooling. I feel like it really set my kids back (especially the boys). I struggled with consistency, and they struggled with getting any work done. I didn’t do a terrible job by any means. They are okay. But I think it would have been better for them to just stay in school consistently. I was making decisions out of emotion and not what was best. I can’t go back now, so we just move forward. They have an amazing school and tons of support. I trust that they will be where they need to be by the time they graduate.
Another thing is the lie that I would tell myself about “homesteading” and the need to go “all in.” I’ve said this before, but this is typically out of a need to control, out of following some crowd or wanting to fit into a box. I’ve realized that I can have my chickens and garden without doing “all the things.” This is freeing, honestly. A lot of this comes down to not caring what people think (or what I think they think). I have no box to fit into. I am just doing what’s enjoyable for me. This is something I will have to fight as I come into the fall season more (and in the spring). But I will keep fighting because I am much more content right now with what I’m doing than any time before. I enjoy it, but it’s not overwhelming. And I don’t feel like I have to answer to anyone.
I honestly never would have chosen the job that I have for myself. It was one of those “God things” for sure. Robert and I went camping. I was telling him that I would like to work more (thinking part time). He suggested the open position at camp. I was unsure if I could handle full time. Later that day, I talked with the food service director. She was a little unsure because of my history with my mental health, but she chatted with the executive director, and they decided to try it on a trial basis. It has been the perfect fit since day one. I have had moments when I wondered if it was sustainable for me due to exhaustion, but at the end of the day, I really feel like this job has changed my life. I enjoy it. I do not have anxiety about it. I look forward to working with the coworkers that I have (mostly teenagers!). I enjoy serving God by feeding people. There is a very specific routine and checklist every time I go to work, so I don’t go in unsure of what the day will be like. And it keeps me out of my head!
On another note, I have been working with a nutrition coach, and she is helping me sustainably walk back into healthy habits. I have been focusing on having a certain amount of fruits, veggies, and legumes (fiber). I also try to have a certain amount of protein each day (this is already habit). I also try to get a certain amount of water. I get 11,000-14,000 steps on the days in which I work. I’m working on getting intentional workouts back into my week (I’m shooting for 3 per week until things slow down at work). I’m just feeling less overwhelmed and panicked about this. My coach keeps reminding me to slow down and do one thing at a time. It has been so helpful!
Anyway… It’s time to go have some breakfast and head to work. I’m just so grateful for my life. I have everything I’ve ever needed and didn’t know I needed. I thank God for that!
simplycourtney.org 