A lot has happened since my last post. It wasn’t even super long ago…
Something very hard took place a little over a week ago, and I can’t really talk about it here. But it ended up growing one of my kids in a positive way, and growing our family as well. The more I age and the more I go through hard things, I realize that the hard things almost always turn out good in the long-term. I’m also so grateful that I didn’t spiral this time. I got through it, realized that I don’t need to homeschool again or quit my job, that I can continue working towards the things that I feel are important, and I didn’t make any major changes to “fix” the situation. We rode the wave as a family and came out the other side. This is HUGE growth on my part and on the part of my family as well. I’m just grateful for that!
I feel more settled in the life that God has given me than ever before. I feel super grounded and at peace. Things will never be perfect. Hard things will happen. Life is very much a roller-coaster in so many ways. Having teenagers is very difficult some days and amazing other days. Serving together as a family in ministry brings hard days and amazing days. I’m sure I will still struggle with seasonal depression and have ups and downs with my anxiety.
I feel as though I am really figuring out who I am and what’s important to me, who God created me to be, the purpose that He has put me on earth for (at least at this moment), how to navigate raising and working with many teenagers every day, the importance of seeking God’s wisdom on things instead of looking to others, I’m not being swayed as much by what everyone else is doing, I don’t care as much about what people think about me, and I feel super solid in the decisions that we have made as a family. The decisions weren’t made overnight, they weren’t made out of fear or emotion, and we feel that everything that is happening right now is exactly what is supposed to happen. I am also feeling super solid in working towards healthy habits in a much slower and sustainable way.
What does this look like?
I absolutely love my little homestead but don’t feel the need to expand it. It feels super manageable right now. I might add on to my garden next year, but I do not want any more animals or to change anything. It’s all set up in a way that helps me enjoy it without feeling overwhelmed by it. Along those same lines, I’ve realized that I don’t have to go “all in” on that “way of life.” I can stand by what I believe and still enjoy what I have.
Some of my beliefs are challenged when I get in a certain headspace thinking I need to go “all in.” I’ve noticed that this shift in my focus tends to be 1) out of emotion, 2) often based on seasons, and/or 3) a way to control things when life feels out of control.
I do not believe herbs and natural supplements work or are necessary. I take medication and believe it to be life-changing (for myself and my kids). I believe in vaccines. I do not think diet soda is going to kill me. I enjoy baking and cooking from scratch, but it’s also okay if I don’t do those things. I am more concerned about getting enough fruits, veggies, and protein than I am about the foods being organic, grass-fed, all homemade, etc. I’m not saying I never buy organic, grass-fed, or make food from scratch, but I don’t think it’s necessary. I believe in balance… healthy food most of the time but also allowing treats and chips and things. Instead of completely cutting out diet soda, I have been working towards just getting enough water and crowding out the amount of soda I was drinking for a while. The less I try to completely cut it out, the less power it has over me.
I believe the basics are so important: movement, hydration, protein, and fruits/veggies. As long as I’m getting these in, I’m doing great.
I enjoy having chickens and the taste of the free-range eggs (amazing!) that we get, but I don’t think they are any healthier than store-bought eggs. I love being able to go out to my garden to pick some veggies, but I’m also okay with buying store-bought veggies (and fruits).
“Natural” products aren’t necessary. There are some that I prefer, but I also prefer some “unnatural” products.
I do not believe spending a fortune on food and products is necessary.
I’m just not living out of fear anymore.
A clean house isn’t always possible or necessary, but it makes a HUGE difference on my mood, my anxiety levels, and how settled I feel in life. And that’s okay.
I believe that the person that God created me to be is enough (in Him). I believe that my number one goal in life is to be Jesus’s apprentice/disciple and to share His love with those around me. I believe in standing up for the “least of these” and love others that are hard to love (I’m not always amazing at this, but I’m trying). Everyone has a story, and sometimes that story is why they are the way they are. I am really starting to like and love myself. I am really starting to not care as much about what I look like but more about the person that I am. I am learning to focus on healthy habits in a healthier way. I am not constantly trying to change myself or hop from one extreme to the other. This will always be a work-in-progress, but I’m making a ton of effort to live in this way.
School is the best thing for my kids and for myself. I have homeschooled often out of fear and control. That has not benefited myself or my kids. Homeschooling hasn’t gone well since my kids were small. I feel like I’ve held them back in some ways, but I just trust that God would fill in the gaps here. He has such a beautiful plan for their lives. I honestly feel a very strong feeling against homeschooling now. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s pretty much the last thing I want to do now.
Working/serving at camp has changed my life. I had no idea that this was what would happen, but I’m so incredibly grateful. I enjoy the work. I enjoy working with the teenagers (most days… sometimes this is challenging). I feel that the ministry that God has allowed me to be part of is actually the teaching and guiding of the teenagers more than the actual cooking, etc. I do think that’s part of it (of course), but I’m seeing how God is using me in ways that I never imagined. Feeling fulfilled in the job/ministry that God has allowed me to be a part of without feeling super overwhelmed and stressed by it 24/7 has been a game-changer for my mental health. I don’t have time to overthink and spiral (most days). My depression is gone, and my anxiety is much lower (I still have some anxiety, but it doesn’t take over my life anymore). The job has helped our family so much financially. We are still working on managing our money better, but it has been so nice to be able to do fun things that we couldn’t really afford to do before. We are even saving up for a vacation over Thanksgiving break. We haven’t really ever been able to do this.
As my depression and anxiety decrease, I realize that I’ve lived a lot of my life out of control and fear. As I’m spending time with Jesus and giving everything to Him, I’m realizing just how little control I actually have and trying to control just brings anxiety. I will still struggle with this I’m sure, but it doesn’t take over my whole being anymore.
I am aware that things can change at the drop of the hat. One thing that is hard is that every time things are going super well, I worry that something will happen that will change that. So, I am going to just focus on the life that God has allowed me to have right here in this moment. Focusing on gratitude is the thing that keeps me grounded. I have so much good in my life. So many opportunities have been opened up for me and for my family. I absolutely love living in Colorado. Moving here has changed our lives.
After years of suffering, struggle, mental illness, alcoholism and sobriety, feeling stuck and oppressed, this has been such an amazing change for all of us.
simplycourtney.org 