I’m feeling a bit messy today. Not physically, but in my brain. I have the day off which I have needed so desperately, but now I feel like I need to solve all of my problems in one day.
I haven’t had time or energy to focus on the things in my life that I feel like I need to adjust, and I honestly have just been trying to survive. Starting mid-summer at camp has been hard.
I’m learning that life is just messy. I am SO content with most things in my life, but nothing is perfect. I feel like I shouldn’t share the hard or messy because then it might come across as if I’m not grateful for all that God has done in my life. I am SO grateful. I have a dream life, honestly. But things are still hard in some ways.
I have overcome so much. I am a different person, honestly, from the person I used to be. In the good ways. I don’t even recognize who I used to be.
But in some ways, I feel like I’ve slipped backwards. I guess that’s life also. We can’t always do all the things that we want to do.
Overall, I am so happy with life. I’m looking forward to a lot. Things that have been up in the air or unsettled are all settling and working out in ways I never anticipated. Karis will be staying home this year and going to a local community college. The boys will both be in school full time. My homestead brings so much joy. I love our home. I love living in Colorado. Difficult things that have been going on with my kids have been settling for the most part (though this is truly a one-day-at-a-time situation—this can change in a split second).
I got some information today that could possibly make things harder at my job, so I’m anxious about that. Robert says I’m catastrophizing, but I’m nervous about how things will go. I can’t go into this right now… but I’m not having the greatest day off because of anxiety about this. In general, we will be having less and less meals to serve, and the numbers will go down. But I’m still struggling.
I also REALLY want to get back to focusing on health. I have felt a huge mental block all year when it comes to fitness and nutrition. I thought it would get better with some structure (working), but now I feel kind of all over the place. And I’ve been gaining weight despite being so active due to camp food (currently at almost 12,000 average steps per day the past 7 days). I am eating desserts multiple times per day, cinnamon rolls, danishes, etc. There is a salad bar and protein options, but I’m feeling like I just cannot withstand the delicious treats. I have sort of given up. We also have soda on tap, so I am drinking so much Diet Coke which doesn’t help how I’m feeling.
My friends remind me that I know how to eat healthfully in a balanced way. I know so much about nutrition and fitness. I’m just having such a hard time putting that information into place.
I feel like I have talked about this so much this year. I just don’t know what to do about it. I know what I want, but it feels impossible. I’m also very all-or-nothing, so just slowly building habits feels pointless. I know better. I know it’s not pointless. I just don’t know how to make anything happen.
I just keep giving up. It just feels too hard and too impossible. I know that eating well, drinking water, and intentionally working out would probably make me feel better, but for some reason, I just cannot do it. I also know how to do all this in a simple way. I’m just not doing it.
I was going to try doing a “75 Medium” of sorts thinking that a challenge would help me, but I crashed after 2 days. It was too much.
I want to get back to running and taking long walks/hikes. I want to get back to weight lifting. I want to get back to eating in a way that makes me feel my best. I miss all of it.
My friend suggested that I do some journaling on why I have a mental block. I think I will go do that!
I hope to have some more clarity later. We will see!
simplycourtney.org 