I’ve spent most of my adulthood going in between two extremes.
There’s a lot behind this. Part of it is a trauma response… feeling like I need to fix myself.
Some of it is because I’m constantly seeking dopamine due to a lack which means “shiny new things” are always appealing.
I am also an Enneagram 1 with a VERY LOUD inner critic. I’m very much a perfectionist. Due to this, I think in a very black-and-white way.
I was hoping that I would shed that desire by now… but it’s still something I struggle with.
I’ll try to go “all in” on something then tank pretty quickly. I assume that I can do it this time, then I realize I can’t. It’s exhausting, really. I am grateful that I figure it out much more quickly now.
I’ve been talking a lot with a friend who struggles similarly. She’s helping me SO MUCH with learning to take things more slowly. I also know the science behind slow habit change and know it’s really the only way to make long-term, sustainable change.
Building habits is a positive thing, but overhauling is not healthy. It’s also not long-term sustainable. That’s why challenges aren’t the best for long-term habit change. But I keep trying. I have such a history of disordered behaviors in this way.
I know what I need to do. I know how to be healthy. I am already there in so many ways. I know that adding on small habits to focus on slowly is the best way. Yet I keep trying to “do it all.”
I came across this pic collage that I made last year. Instead of celebrating how far I’ve come, I focused on where I was last year and wanted to get back there. I immediately created a challenge for myself to follow (somewhat similar to the 75 Hard but a little “softer”).
Getting to where I was in May of 2024 was SO MUCH work and not sustainable long-term. I am currently in a place in which I feel it is much easier to maintain. I’m about 10-12 pounds heavier than I was last year, but I don’t have to work my butt off to maintain this weight. I would like to work on gaining more strength and muscle again, but that can be done more slowly. It does NOT require doing 5 days of CrossFit and running plus logging my food 24/7. It involves about 3 days of strength training and focusing on protein. That’s much more manageable. I would like to add in running again, but with my work, it’s just hard right now. I’m on my feet the whole time I work, and it’s just an active job. I’ll get back to where I want to be with running some day. But for now, I’m going to focus on strength training and protein. And just enjoying the life that God has given me. It’s really such a beautiful life.
I took this picture about a week or two ago. I am still very healthy. I am grateful to have maintained my weight for about 6 months now. This is so much more manageable.
The thing is… the woman I was in 2016, 2018, and 2021 was just as worthy of love and belonging as the woman in 2024 and the woman I am now. The difference is not necessarily my weight or how I look, but I’m just much healthier in every way now. I think the way I presented back then was more a symptom of how unhealthy I was mentally and emotionally. I was suffering. Even last year, I was trying so hard to become this “perfect” version of myself, and while I looked super healthy, I was still struggling so much inside.
I feel like I’m settling somewhere in the middle. I’m not exactly where I want to be in my thought process on things, but I’m getting there. I might slip again and try to overhaul then realize I can’t. Maybe several more times. But every time that happens, I feel like I’m becoming more and more the person that I want to be in the messy middle of real life.
simplycourtney.org 