I’ve been writing on Substack, and I don’t think I like it. It feels much less like ME and less personal. I don’t know why it feels that way. Maybe because I’ve had this blog for a lot of years! But anyway. I think I’m going to write here again.
I have a lot on my mind this morning (as usual).
I LOVE my job. I love the actual work (surprisingly), the people that I work with (mostly teenagers), and the financial freedom that it brings our family. I also feel like it has helped me a lot with my depression.
My ADHD brain loves that my schedule is different every week. My brain also loves that the actual work is very routine and structured. I enjoy pouring into teenagers (most days- some days it’s complicated). I love that my whole family works at the same place (and my kids all work with me in the kitchen). This is the first time that I have had the opportunity to work full time at camp and for my kids to be allowed to work year-round at camp.
This is the first time that my job doesn’t bring me severe anxiety and depression. It actually helps! I can be anxious then go to work, and it goes away. I can leave work at work. I don’t have to worry about it on my days off or once I’m home. Teaching was the opposite, so this is so refreshing. The fact that I’m not the actual food service director helps a bunch. I’m the assistant food service director which means I have a lot less responsibility.
I also love that my full time job allows our family to do so many things that we couldn’t afford to do before! We are in a whole different place which has been amazing.
I was hoping, though, that working full time wouldn’t allow me the chance to overthink and go back and forth between extremes. But I guess I can’t change who I am and all of my struggles.
I have had some anxiety due to other issues going on in my life (that are honestly on-going and have been for several years now). I realized this morning that I was trying to “fix” how I felt again by going to extremes with exercise and nutrition. And now I’m embarrassed again as I am realizing that’s what I was trying to do (again). I thought I had gotten past that and overcome that, but turns out, I haven’t. But maybe it’s time to just embrace that my brain does that sometimes, and that’s okay. When I step back and look at what I want and who I am, I know what I want. But I sometimes try to control things in unhealthy ways, and that’s part of who I am as well.
I’ll be bopping along and feel like I’m figuring out who I am and what I want, something difficult will happen (that sometimes lasts days, weeks, months, or longer), I try to fix and control by going to some extreme with nutrition/exercise or going into the “everything natural” world again (it feels comfortable for some reason), then I tank. This seems to be a constant roller-coaster that I’m on which is honestly embarrassing. I don’t know why. Most people don’t care, but I assume that people have certain thoughts about me because I tend to live all of this out loud. Which is also part of my personality.
But… even if they do think certain things about me, who cares? It really doesn’t matter.
This morning my Instagram friend reminded me to spend some time focusing on all the good in my life and family, and gosh, there’s so much! Our family culture has shifted in a lot of ways, but it’s mostly so good.
Karis is back in Colorado for good which is honestly really great. Having her almost 8 hours away was super hard on me and on her. I feel like my family is complete (at least for now). She will be going to college part time at Pikes Peak State College and continuing to work at camp into the fall (she does want to work somewhere else eventually). I think the plan is for her to get an associates degree in history then go from there. She LOVES history. She lights up when she talks about it. We have no idea what she will be able to do with that, but we aren’t going to worry about that at the moment. Since she’s autistic, things are so much more complicated and difficult for her, so we are just going to embrace where we are now.
Things have been pretty difficult with and for Ethan, but we are just taking things one day at a time with him as we usually do. He will be going back to school very soon, and I’m hoping that I can work with the adults there to help Ethan be his best self. He has so much potential but struggles so much. I believe that we can get through this difficulty and come out the other side one day. He knows what he wants for himself but struggles deeply to follow through with anything (and makes impulsive decisions). I just have to teach and love him through it. I’ve been worried about sending him back to school, but I cannot homeschool him anymore, and I know that he needs other adults to pour into him.
Levi has grown so much. He will be doing school part time in the fall (and homeschool part time). He has come so far. He handles social situations so much better and has matured a lot. He knows that he will have to do most of his homeschool work independently, and he seems okay with that. He will be doing math, science, and electives in school and history, geography, English, and some fine arts (artist/art study, poetry, Shakespeare, etc).
As a family, we have been doing so many fun things. A week and a half ago, we went to Salida and Buena Vista to eat some amazing food, go to a fun coffee shop, and shop in their little downtown areas. We also randomly stopped at a Farmer’s Market in Canon City on our way there. SO fun. Last night, we went out to eat at my favorite restaurant to celebrate my birthday together as a family. The meal was more than we have ever spent on eating out, but it was worth it. The experience was beautiful and the food was amazing. The fact that we’ve been able to do these things has been life-changing. Of course, we are also trying to pay off debt (which we can do now) and put money in savings. But we have decided that we want to LIVE this life that God has allowed us to have. Spending time as a family has really made my heart so happy.
I also absolutely LOVE that we live in Colorado and can easily make these things happen because the distance isn’t far. What a dream life!
My little homestead is doing amazing. My chickens are super happy and are starting to produce plenty of beautiful eggs. They have a huge area to forage. My garden is doing well despite the hail that it has experienced a couple of times. I just bought some mesh cloth to hopefully keep it from getting hailed on anymore. We are able to eat the kale and lettuce now. The zucchini is getting huge, and there are multiple tiny little zucchinis growing. The cabbage is huge. The broccoli plants all have little tiny broccoli on them. The green bean plants are huge and have buds and flowers. We should be able to start harvesting soon. The tomatoes and peppers are slow-going, but they are getting there. This is the best chicken yard, chickens, egg colors, and garden that I’ve ever had.
My birthday is Wednesday, and Robert and I will be going into a few of my favorite local towns and roaming around. I want a few things: a good coffee shop experience, good food, a book store, and just a chill day.
Here are some pictures of our beautiful life!
simplycourtney.org 