I’m going to attempt to process more about my food/weight/body image stuff. I’m STILL so torn about it and feel so back and forth.
Where does the shame and fear lie? Is it in my body or in my desire to be more strict with things? Am I making something a moral issue that isn’t a moral issue? I think that’s where the shame is coming in more than anything. Tracking, weight loss, nutrition/movement focus, etc are not inherently good or bad. It’s not morally wrong to care about my health or morally right. For some people, it’s more healthy to do intuitive eating. For some people, it’s more healthy to focus more on nutrition and fitness.
Logging my food does NOT mean that I don’t love myself or feel okay in my body. Logging my food just assures me that I’m eating in a way that is nourishing which allows me to feel my best.
When I think back to the times that I felt my best, I was logging food, consistent with exercise, and was caring about how I took care of myself. Movement, water, nutritious food… they matter and aren’t BAD to focus on. But why does my brain keep going back to feeling shame about it?
I’m so easily swayed. When I listen to/read books about focusing on nutrition and movement, I feel best about that. When I read books/listen to things about intuitive eating, I feel SHAME about wanting to focus on my health. It’s the intuitive eating “world” that actually makes me feel more shame! Whoa!
What do I know?
I know that when I workout, my brain is happy. That can be any kind of movement, even a walk. I know that I feel my best when I’m getting a lot of steps in. I know that I don’t love running (like I thought), but it’s okay to challenge myself sometimes by running. I just don’t have to make it a focus. I know that I love weight lifting- with the barbell. I like WODS sometimes, but prefer a mixture of just regular strength training and walking/hiking. I feel my best when I get a lot of water, eat fruits/veggies/protein, and limit junk food. Sometimes I enjoy a greasy burger! I enjoy a night out with my hubby at a yummy restaurant. I like going out for coffee sometimes. I like cooking sometimes, and sometimes I prefer to eat more convenience foods. Logging/tracking helps me feel more agency over my choices and helps me be more aware of what I’m putting into my mouth. This is not a moral issue. It’s not inherently “bad” or “good” to log my food. I want to be healthy into my old age so that I can live my best life. I don’t want to suffer from type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and osteoporosis like my family members do. I can’t necessarily stop it completely, but I can at least slow down the possibility. I want to lower my cholesterol, and that takes a combo of medication and healthy habits. Healthy habits are GOOD. They are not mentally unhealthy as long as I give myself grace and flexibility. I know that fruits and veggies provide fiber and micronutrients. I know that protein is so necessary and important for weight lifting and just living a healthy life. I know that drinking a lot of soda makes me feel really bad. I know that drinking some is fine. I know that having some ultra-processed foods is fine, but making sure that my diet has mostly whole foods is necessary for long-term health. It’s not even “bad” to care about appearance to an extent, as long as it’s not my only reason for wanting to be healthy. Structure is super important for me as well. Accountability helps also!
I think I’m going to write a bunch of this out on sticky notes and put them all over my house! I need the constant reminders!
simplycourtney.org 