Processing Through Journaling

I just thought I’d share my journal from today. It was a little scattered but also pretty helpful. I’m learning more and more about myself.

I realized yesterday that I have been battling the weight/body image/nutrition/exercise battle for a long time, and I have never sought God’s wisdom on it.  

WHY am I so obsessed with my body?  I feel like I’m more obsessed with it as a thinner person than I was when I was larger.  I gained 10 pounds this year, and it’s like I’ve completely lost my mind.

How should I take care of myself?  Should I be strict?  Should I just chill out?  How do I chill out without going in the complete opposite direction?  What should my focus be?  Should I do yet another challenge that I won’t be able to stick with?  Should I log my food, do the template, or just let go of all of it?  

So back to my question… WHY do I always want to lose weight?  It does feel better physically, but I think it’s still more about how I view myself as a person (am I lazy or disciplined?) and how I’m assuming others are viewing me.  If my belly pokes out at all, I feel like I look fat.  If I look fat, then people must think I don’t care about my body or myself and that I’m lazy and inconsistent.  I was also overweight all through high school, so it takes me back to that.  I always felt like an outsider.  If I gain weight, I assume that I am unworthy.  Unworthy of what?  I don’t know.  If I gain back the weight I spent so much energy losing, it will feel like I wasted my time and energy.  I kind of acted like I was more worthy since I had lost weight and gotten super fit.  Now it’s almost like I’m having to take that back.  

In the world that I spend a lot of time in, there is a lot of focus on worthiness due to healthy habits, performance, consistency, and aesthetics.  This is the fitness/diet industry.  Most of my friends in real life don’t live this way.  This is why I left Street Parking for a while, but I do like the programming.  The culture is just hard.  The thing is, everyone is worthy of love and belonging… even if they have horrible habits and are overweight.  Healthy habits don’t make someone more worthy.  

It all stems from wanting to be wanted, accepted, and worthy of belonging.  If I am heavier or don’t “look as good,” I’m not enough.  And I only look good if I’m thin and fit.

I’ve also gained weight and can’t lose due to medication which is out of my hands.  But I just assume people are thinking negative things about me.  

This also goes back to that idea that I wrote about in which I feel like I’m always in trouble or will get in trouble.  I walk around feeling the need to justify myself constantly.  To myself and everyone around me.  If I have Coke Zero, someone is going to jump out and tell me how terrible it is for me.  If I eat too much fat, someone is going to tell me how terrible it is for my cholesterol.  If I choose not to workout, someone is going to tell me that I don’t care about myself and will never be consistent.  And consistency is key.  Consistency makes me worthy.  If I’m not consistent, I’m a mess.  I’m lazy.  I can’t do anything right.  

It feels good to be told that I’m doing a great thing, that I’m strong, that I’m disciplined and consistent, but at what cost?  

I want to be healthy, but what IS healthy?  What does that even look like?  What’s healthy enough? 

I keep going “back and forth” because I don’t know what I want or what I believe.  I watch and listen to everyone around me instead of asking God and myself what is the best.  

Then because I don’t know what is important to me or what I believe, I feel guilt and shame all the time.  Because I’m assuming other people feel a certain way about me OR I am taking on other people’s beliefs that they have for themselves.  

I also love the novelty of doing a new challenge and trying to really “dial in” but then change my mind so quickly because it’s not necessarily the healthiest thing for my brain.  

I also keep going back and forth about whether or not I should train for a race.  I like the structure of that, but I also shut down so easily.  Even when I do well in the race, I beat myself up.  It’s never enough.  

I also go back and forth about how “natural” to live and whether or not it’s even necessary.  I go back and forth about decisions that I make because I don’t actually know what I believe or what’s important to me.  I am easily swayed by culture.  Same thing with homeschooling!  And parenting in general.  

My friend Jen hit the nail on the head when she said, “Maybe it’s not a body, food, movement thing. Maybe it’s a content in yourself and your choices.”  SO true.  It doesn’t matter what it is, I always feel like I’m doing the wrong thing. 

I’m also very swayed by emotion and what I’ve done in the past.  I’m swayed easily by the personal interests that I’ve had in the past as well because of the emotional connection to it.  I’m swayed by podcasts, books, articles, and reels from social media. And I’m swayed by what other people think or what I think they think.  I want to please everyone around me which is impossible. 

I never know what I actually want or believe and can’t seem to be content with my own choices/decisions.

It seems that at the end of the day…

I do not care so much about natural things and don’t feel that they are necessary or that they even “work” (like natural remedies, cleaners and detergents, etc).  I just follow others’ lead on that.  People say it’s the healthiest thing and that “unnatural” stuff is poisonous, so I must follow that. I also find that way of life to be too expensive for us.  I tend to fall into that way of life certain times of year because of the emotional attachment to it, not because I actually believe in it or think it’s necessary.  It’s a “special interest,” not because I think it’s necessary but because it’s what I’ve always done (focused on) certain times of year. In the times when I’m not going “all in” with that, I go the “opposite” direction.

I DO love making food from scratch.  Not because it’s SO much better but because it tastes good, and I enjoy the process.  Sometimes I can’t handle it.  Some seasons, I have to just do what I can do which doesn’t include cooking and baking from scratch (it includes a lot of convenience!). 

I beat myself up because I feel like I’m so terrible with money, but I have come so far!  We have no car payments, our bills are low, our needs are met, I buy almost everything used, etc.  We live a very simple life.  We are doing the best we can with what we have, and the fact that I don’t have to work is amazing.  So we have a tight budget.  It is what it is.  

Sometimes I feel like I’m so unworthy because I don’t contribute financially and working is too hard for me.  But I do SO much for our household and family and that is worth so much. 

I have such a deep feeling that my weight matters SO MUCH, but I don’t feel that way about others.  Why do I feel that way about myself?

Movement helps my brain in some ways because the literal act of moving triggers certain hormones that make my brain happier.  But then I beat myself up in my brain if I don’t workout or struggle to have motivation to get up and do the thing.  I tell myself that I’ll never be able to be consistent because I’m not working out 5-6 days per week and not going all in.  

Healthy food helps my brain to an extent, but then again, I am always beating myself up when I can’t seem to be consistent or I have days in which I eat “bad.”  

There’s so much shame in everything.  

I’m starting to wonder if any of this has to do with masking. I’m always trying to follow what’s “normal” except that every “normal” is different, so I’m constantly swayed.  This isn’t all of it, but I think this contributes.

There’s also the deep feeling that who I am isn’t enough.  And I’m swayed by emotion and what “I’ve always done.”  And sometimes what’s important to me changes which is fine (it’s okay to change my mind), but what really gets to me is when I change my mind multiple times even within the same day.  And I just don’t know what I want. 

I’m realizing a lot of that is feeling like I’m not enough.

I say all of this not to beat myself up but to dig deep down and figure out WHY so that maybe I can fight against it. Maybe when I want to do something or focus on something, I can remind myself of WHY and ignore those urges.

I live under the weight of heavy expectations that I put on myself 24/7, and I’m feeling a little more “lightness” at the moment. That’s the goal. Maybe this will happen more and more as I ask myself “why” when I feel compelled to do something.