I had an appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner today, and as much as I keep saying I DON’T have autism, we are both still thinking it’s possible.
What’s hard is, as an almost 43 year old woman, I have learned to mask SO well, and I don’t even know what that looks like. I just assume since my social skills are decent, I can’t be autistic. Also, PTSD and ADHD makes it even harder to determine. But, we both keep coming back to it.
I saw a video the other day where the person said that as someone who has autism, they always think they are in trouble or are going to get in trouble if they do anything. For me, I don’t think it’s related to trauma, but it’s just how I walk around and live my life. It’s almost like I’m being watched and like someone is going to jump out and say I’ve screwed up. Because of this, I’ve made up stories in my head of how someone views me.
I am SUPER sensitive to everyone and everything around me, and I’m always trying to fix everything because I can’t handle how I feel. I am very sensitive to how other people feel, and I take on their feelings (and try to fix it).
I am very sensitive to seasonal and weather changes. They greatly affect my mood.
I struggle with knowing what I believe and what I am taking on from others as my truth. Do I really believe _______________, or is it just what others say is true?
I have very specific routines/daily rituals, and when those are thrown off, it throws off my whole day. It can tank my mood very easily. Even if the reason my routine was thrown off was from my own brain (like a lack of focus or being depressed) or things that I have done or have to do.
I feel so deeply that it’s hard for me to just live my life. I’m super emotionally dysregulated (which can be from ADHD). I can be super happy one minute, then depressed a few hours later.
My perfectionism and desire for control are more just me trying to make myself okay and make everyone around me okay. I never just feel okay.
I have a few special interests that I rotate between. While special interests can be normal, I have just a handful and alternate between them (heavily). The special interest that “I’m on” at the moment is my everything. I don’t understand why other people don’t care about them. And it can have opposite focuses from my other special interests.
Because I have ADHD, it definitely complicates things more as ADHD and Autism kind of have opposite symptoms (yet they connect).
On one hand, I NEED my routines. On the other hand, I NEED novelty. On one hand, I NEED my house to be clean and organized. On the other hand, I struggle to keep up with that all the time (especially when I’m struggling). So then my moods are even more affected by it. I do not like when things are out of place. I must make my bed each day or I feel off. But some days, I just can’t.
I’m super sensitive and always feel like I’m “too much” for a lot of people (while simultaneously thinking I’m not enough).
Working is next to impossible for me. I get overwhelmed and burn out every single time. I have left teaching jobs mid-year about 5 times. I haven’t been able to work other jobs either. I ended up decided not to work rec because of the anxiety that it was bringing me.
I have never felt like I fit in. Ever.
While I love people a lot of times, socializing wears me out. I need a lot of alone time/down time.
I’m super sensitive to how things feel against my skin. Most nights when I’m trying to go to sleep, if my clothing, the covers, or my hair touch me in a certain way, I get so anxious. Sometimes I have to get up and try again. I also have to block out any sound to sleep. I can’t stand how socks feel on my toes a lot of times. I’m very sensitive to smells. Some trigger me to be anxious.
I hyper-focus and lose track of anything that is happening around me. This is definitely an ADHD trait as well. I will be hyperfocusing on something for hours and not realize how much time has passed.
I feel like people don’t actually “know me.” (shoot, even myself)
I often self-soothe with comfort drinks, shows, clothing, journals, etc.
I am sometimes told that I’m rude because I’m very blunt a lot of the time. I had a meeting once with a boss who told me that my tone in my emails was rude. Lol! I will usually “tell it like it is” without realizing how it might affect someone else. Then when I realize I have affected someone else, I then obsess about it.
I have intense emotional reactions sometimes.
I feel like my brain lives in two opposite extremes at all times.
I have some tics when I get anxious. Coughing is the main one. But I’m also learning that my constant scratching can be tics/stimming.
A lot of my control/fix-it behaviors come out in my nutrition (or lack of) and movement behaviors. This one is HUGE for me as I think about what I’m eating or how much I’m moving (or not moving) every day, all day. This is probably why my weight fluctuates SO much.
Autism is genetic, and I have two kids that are autistic. This was the main reason why my NP and I decided to address this possibility with me. Often when kids are diagnosed, parents realize they have similar traits. I will say, though, that every single autistic person is different. I’m about 99% sure that my brother was autistic. Now that I understand more about it, I see it so clearly.
My nurse practitioner is going to send a referral to the place where Levi was evaluated. The psychologist there told me that they do evaluate adults; they just need a referral. She did say they are on a long wait list, but they just hired a new psychologist, so that should speed up a bit.
In the meantime, I will just continue to attempt to live each day focusing on taking care of myself and my kids because that’s all I can handle. Honestly, though, I’m realizing that taking care of myself and my family is a lot and enough. This is the season we are in.
simplycourtney.org 