I have had a rough few days mentally and emotionally.
I wrote this on Facebook yesterday:
“I’ve been struggling again the last few days. Heavy depression. I had therapy and cried more than usual. I realized today that deep down I feel like I’m just a burden and not an asset to anyone. Like my presence is just not enough. I have nothing beneficial to offer the world. How does one get past that deep deep belief about themselves?
This is why I try so hard. This is why I’m always trying to fix myself or make more happen than what I can handle. This is why I am a perfectionist… to go all in… then crash… in a constant cycle. I truly don’t feel like I have anything to offer. Working is too hard. I’m super inconsistent with homeschooling. I’m super inconsistent with taking care of myself and my kids. And on and on. I’m just a problem for others. I truly do not like myself and wish I was different.”
One of the things that I’ve learned about trauma is that it makes one live in a constant state of extremes. What was thought to be bipolar by a few providers and possibly autism, is really just my C-PTSD and ADHD. Those two things cause my symptoms.
The ups and downs make it super hard to commit to anything, honestly. I know that there are “normal” shifts in mood, attitude, and ability to manage life. But mine are more extreme. Extreme happiness/giddiness vs extreme depression/heaviness. Like, I was questioning whether or not I should even be here anymore yesterday. Is there any point to my existence? This isn’t a normal bad day. And my life is like that. SO up and down. I feel like I should JUST focus on my health and wellness. But then I feel like I’ll be letting everyone down (yet again). Is that enough? If I’m focusing on my health and wellness and helping the kids navigate their health and wellness, is that enough? I desperately want to heal, but I feel like I’m always distracted by what I should be doing that I don’t dig in enough. I’ll dig and process just enough to feel okay for the moment, then move forward when I’m not ready.
A Decision for Peace
I decided today that I will not be working recreation at camp after all. There’s a lot to that decision, but I have decided that I don’t know that I even like working rec. In addition, Ethan will be doing football in the fall, and he starts off-season in a few weeks. This will have me driving him to and from SPA (Speed, Power, and Agility- weights and conditioning) almost every week day all summer. Between that, really digging into healing, and taking myself and my kids to and from appointments all the time, I just won’t be able to make it work.
I desperately want to dig into my healing so this pattern isn’t forever. I’m honestly just tired of it enough that I do not want it to continue for the rest of my life.
Food and Movement
This is a constant struggle for me. I’ll go “all in” and log all my food, workout heavily every day, push myself really hard, etc, then I’ll crash. I so desperately want to find some middle ground. I’m working on this the best I can. I want to eat well and move for mental and emotional health and wellness, but I am SO tired of focusing on how I look. When I decide that I want to lose weight, my body is all I think about. I like some structure but get overwhelmed with too much. The number on the scale, the size of my pants, how I think I look don’t really matter in the scheme of things. Nutritious food and movement are important, but making them everything is an idol and rules my life in unhealthy ways. I’m still working on flexibility with this. I think I’ll get there one step at a time.
I will continue to take everything one day at a time like I always do.
Oh… one more thing. It has been SNOWING for a few days which doesn’t help my mood! I’m ready for it to get and stay sunny! The dreariness is really exhausting. The picture at the top of this post is from last night! Thankfully we have a lot of beautiful days ahead!
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