As I sit here in my office, I can hear the beautiful sounds from nature-the frogs in the pond and the birds singing. I’m so grateful for this beautiful world that we live in, but not only that… living here at this camp… in Colorado.
After months of suffering/struggle, I’m finally seeing the light, feeling less heavy, and the fog is lifting. I was so sick mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically for months. I thought it would never leave me. I thought that this was just my life. I was reminded of all the years that I suffered and thought I was right back there.
Little did I know, God was wanting me to lay everything at His feet, trust Him, and surrender the desire for control. He met with me in a new and very tangible way last Sunday at church, then everything started to work out in new ways throughout the week. Without Him, I truly am nothing. Nothing I do will bring me closer to Him or solve my problems. I absolutely need His wisdom, discernment, hope, joy, and grace.
He has shown His power to me in a way that I cannot explain. He has given me hope that He can truly do anything. He can bring healing in ways that I could have never asked or imagined.
There have been things in my life that have brought such heaviness to my heart, and I truly thought there would be no “way out” or healing in those areas. I was just trying to accept things for what they were and try to live my life in a way that would bring glory to God… but feeling like I was trying to swim through Jello.
I was feeling super discouraged because I felt like last year I had experienced so much healing… then this year has felt like I had taken so many steps backward. But what was happening was that God was reminding me that I can do nothing without Him, I have no control, and I absolutely need to trust and surrender to Him.
Last year, I felt a theme of surrender building, but I didn’t quite know why. That has definitely played out so much this year. Yes, there are certain things that I can DO that make such a huge difference in my life, but at the end of the day, those bring agency but not control. The more I try to control anything, the more I feel like life is spinning out of control. Even my healthy habits… it’s not about control as much as it’s about letting go, surrendering, taking one step at a time, and the more I actually stop obsessing, the more natural things become.
When I make things into an idol (anything… even “good and healthy” things), they begin to spin out of control. Anything that I make into my identity will spin out of control. Anything that can change in this life cannot be my identity. Only Jesus and the things of Him are my identity. Who I am in Him is my identity. Not my “healthy habits,” not my “homestead,” not my physical appearance, not how much I cook and bake, not homeschooling, not adventuring… and not even my suffering, mental illness, or past… those things are not WHO I am.
In Him, I am beloved, chosen, fearfully and wonderfully made, whole, delighted in, salt and light to the world, and given hope, grace, peace, and unconditional love.
What I spend my time focusing on changes everything. I can focus on all the darkness in the world, the country falling apart, the struggles that my family goes through, the lack that I experience, my mental illness, my suffering, my past, or I can focus on Jesus, the light that He brings in the darkness, the supernatural power that He has had in my life, the provision that He has brought to our family, the resources that He has given us for healing and growth, our amazing community, our amazing home and land, and the identity that He has given me in Him.
What I do is not my calling… He is. Seek first the Kingdom of God and all of our needs will be taken care of (in His timing).
“You are more than able. You are more than able. Who am I, to deny, what the Lord can do?”
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