I feel like every time I write, big things have happened in between posts. My life is never boring; that’s for sure. I will say that the most recent things that have been going on have been really good. I’m feeling more and more peace each day.
I have honestly been a bit disconnected from my online life lately which is a good thing. I am on social media, but I’m so busy in my real life that it’s not the main thing at the moment. Same with my blog. Not many people read it anyway… it’s more for my processing.
But I have a few moments to write, so here I am.
Mental Health Updates
Ever since my psychiatric nurse practitioner mentioned the possibility of autism, I kind of went on a self discovery journey. I had taken multiple online autism tests, and they showed that I could possibly have autism. As time went on, I realized that maybe they showed that because I was answering questions in a way to affirm that rather than answering them in a way that’s true for me. Then I really started researching and processing. I realized that I don’t think I have the most important element of autism which is the social struggles. I make friends easily, talk to people easily, and do not struggle with understanding social norms and things like that. I have some sensory struggles, but it’s more related to trauma.
As I was doing research, I came to the conclusion that my issues are purely from C-PTSD and ADHD. My NP and my counselor both do not think I have bipolar, and I can see that now. C-PTSD has similar symptoms to bipolar and to autism in different ways, but at the end of the day, these two things make the most sense for me. I have talked these things out with my NP and my counselor, and they agree. My NP said that I seem to know myself better than most adults, so she trusts my opinion about myself.
My depression is a little more complicated as it’s seasonal and brought on from PTSD triggers. Same with anxiety. Anxiety tends to be higher in the summer and depression tends to be higher in the winter; though, I can have both at any moment. This year was especially hard in the winter because of some trauma triggers that were constant.
I have very complicated mental health, and at the end of the day, my NP reminds me that a label isn’t absolutely necessary; she is treating me as a whole person and focusing on treating the symptoms more than anything. I have also started the beginning stages of EMDR which I think could really make the biggest difference for me.
My team and I are all taking everything one day at a time which is all we can do!
Work Updates
I have been super torn about what to do for work. I have been trying to decide if I can handle work at all, if I should sell my breads and things at the Farmer’s Market this summer, or if I should continue working recreation here at camp. I have been praying about it a lot and processing and thinking and chatting about it. God made it clear that rec is what I need to continue to do. The main focus is serving and pouring into the rec summer staff. I feel that’s a ministry that God has given me the tools and desire to do. Yes, I will be doing rec and serving the guests, but my main focus is pouring into the summer staff (this is something my boss has made clear that he wants from me as well).
Selling bread and things at the Farmer’s Market felt more stressful than fun. I think it would make me anxious, and my desire for perfection would be super hard for me to overcome. When you’re selling things, it needs to be a higher quality than what I make for my family and friends. That felt like a lot of stress and pressure.
I feel good about what I’ve decided.
School Updates
Homeschooling has been a struggle for me and for the boys. I feel like it was better when they were smaller, but it has been so hard for me to be consistent with them. I don’t feel like they are getting their needs met. I keep trying super hard, but with my mental health being up and down, it’s just not working well.
We have decided that Ethan just needs to be in school. He wants that more than anything. He has learned a lot this year, and he also knows and understands that school is a privilege and not a right. He wants this more than anything. So, he has been registered.
I told Levi that I really feel that he needs to be in school as well, but that was a much more difficult conversation. He asked me if we could compromise, and thankfully in Colorado, we have many options. So, he will be doing homeschool part time and will be in public school part time. He will be taking three classes in school each semester and will be home on opposite days (as they have a block schedule). I will only have to focus on English and history this way which feels so much more manageable. And those are my favorite subjects anyway. I feel like I will be able to pour into those subjects and into him on the days he’s at home. One of the hardest things for him is that he does NOT like doing independent work, and that’s all I can muster at the moment. So, they will be finishing up this semester soon and will have a summer break.
Ethan will be going into the summer a little bit with math, but I think everything else will be completed in a few weeks.
I think this will be so good for Levi. He really needs some socialization but his nervous system can’t handle full-time yet. Maybe one day. I also think I will enjoy teaching two subjects and probably need that part time homeschool as well (otherwise I would get bored and struggle with having no purpose).
Family and Life Updates
There has been a major family struggle the past several months which has caused me a lot of anxiety and depression. That seems to be working itself out, but time will tell. I’ve been praying for reconciliation and healing, and that seems to be happening slowly. In the meantime, I have a lot less heaviness than I did even a week ago because of this. I don’t think I realized how sick that was making me… mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Healthy Habits Updates
I have really felt pulled towards trying to get back to the healthy habits that I had last year. They made a huge difference on my mental health. I tried to go “all in” at first and fell flat. I was listening to a podcast recently that reminded me about Atomic Habits, and I realized that I needed to pull back and focus on a few things. So, that’s what I did.
My current plans each day include: a requirement of at least 5 minutes of working out per day (can be any intentional movement), three balanced meals (and I am logging my food most days which feels pretty second nature), 50oz of water, stretches for my runner’s knee, and my morning Bible study/reading/journaling. Some of these things I already have “down” for the most part, but I’m just wanting to feel successful. Deciding to workout at least 5 minutes per day has resulted in me working out quite a bit this week (3 WODS, 2 runs, and like 5 walks… and I still have one more run planned). Five minutes is all that’s required, but usually once I get moving, I want to keep moving. I just don’t have a ton of pressure on myself at the moment which has been good. My focus on balanced meals has brought me a lot of healthy meals with protein, fat, carbs, and fruits/veggies. I don’t require full stretches every day, but I try to do at least one or two stretches. I haven’t lost any weight, but I have already lost a couple of inches which is really the important part. I’ve also started taking a cholesterol medication because my doctor is concerned that my cholesterol has been high for so long. But even with taking medication, you still have to be intentional with habits. I feel like my health is on its way back up!
Hopeful
I’m pretty hopeful for the future at the moment. God provides constant reminders of why I should trust Him and should also stop trying to control everything and everyone… my desire for control honestly just causes more issues, and His plan is so much better than anything I could ever ask or imagine.
One of the big things with deciding to send the boys to school was the realization that I was trying so hard to protect them that I was controlling them and causing more issues in my relationship with them. I have to trust that they will learn how to make the right decisions by making mistakes and learning from them. I have to trust that the natural consequences will do what they are designed to do. I have to trust God with my kids’ lives because ultimately I have zero control over their lives and their future. This has been a hard lesson to learn, but I’m feeling much lighter as I’ve been learning this. Trying to control causes a lot of mental health struggles and pain for all involved. I’m grateful to be learning this lesson, even though it has been hard. I think things are looking up (for now!). One day at a time.
simplycourtney.org 