These past few weeks have honestly been pretty stinking crazy. I feel like I can never keep up with the crazy…
Last week, I asked my therapist if she thinks I have bipolar 2 (she was trying the medication to see if it would help, but that didn’t mean she thought I had bipolar). She said… well, I wanted to talk to you about diagnoses. She still doesn’t think I have bipolar. She thinks the medication helps me a bit because of how it affects serotonin and dopamine, but she’s pretty adamant that I do not have bipolar. She has been seeing me almost weekly for about 14 months… she seems to have come to know me pretty well.
She then proceeded to tell me that after Levi was diagnosed with autism (and my daughter is autistic along with the fact that my brother was most likely autistic), she began to think of that as a possibility for me (in addition to the ADHD, MDD, GAD, PTSD…). This was honestly a sort of shocker for me as I just don’t see myself as someone who has autism. She then asked me a bunch of questions about my childhood and into my teen years. Then we discussed some other things that led her to that thought (like my rigidity, my “special interests,” my sensory issues, and the fact that I shut down pretty easily). She sent me to a website that has a bunch of autism tests, and I have shown to have autism on every single one. She told me that insurance doesn’t typically pay for autism evaluations in adults, so we would work together to come to a conclusion there.
This has honestly just been something that has thrown me off big time. I don’t see myself as someone who has autism, but it would also explain so much.
I saw my (new) therapist on Wednesday and shared with her what my psychiatric NP said about the possibility of autism… she said she doesn’t know if I have autism or not (she barely knows me), but she asked me what that would mean for me. The hardest part for me at the moment is NOT knowing for sure, then the feeling of impostor syndrome of this coming at the age of 42. I don’t seem to be autistic…
But it would answer so many things from my life that have been SO hard and haven’t made any sense. And the guilt that I have from how I left so many things and the interactions I’ve had with others over the years. It would answer why working is nearly impossible for me. Even still, when I work, I shut down. Even if it’s just a day here and there.
Being very up and down all the time, needing things to be a certain way or I shut down, I get sensory overload pretty easily, I would rather be in my own little world focusing on my special interests, not handling issues with other people very well, having “meltdowns” that drain all of my energy, wavering between my “special interests,” rehearsing conversations ahead of time then replaying those conversations in my head over and over, listening to certain songs on repeat out of comfort, having comfort drinks and foods, needing my routines or I feel completely out of sorts, hyperfocusing so much and completely missing out on things that are going on outside of that… feeling like my brain is in two opposites all the time.
I mostly think what it would answer is why I never feel “okay.” And maybe give me a little more acceptance for myself and my struggles/decisions over the years.
So ultimately, I hope my NP is right. I’m just not sure. I emailed Levi’s psychologist (the one that diagnosed him), and she told me that their office does evaluate adults, but they are on a pretty long wait list at the moment. She did say that they just hired a new psychologist, so this could be sped up. We will see. I have started the ball rolling on that…
In the meantime, I will continue attempting to live this life the best that I can.
My therapist told me that she doesn’t usually feel “okay” either (she has her own struggles), but that she has learned acceptance and learned how to be okay with not feeling “okay.” So this is what I am learning to work through.
This desire to always “fix” how I’m feeling is a constant, but it never goes well. Ever. Yet I still keep trying. I thought I needed to be super strict and structured with my “healthy habits” in order to feel “okay” (again and again and again), and instead, I kind of crashed after two days. I just expected WAY too much of myself (again and again).
I’m still working on increasing movement for my mental health and eating in a way that feels good (still trying to increase fruits/veggies, etc just because it feels better), and just learning to focus on acceptance. This is a journey and a process.
IN ADDITION to all of this, I made the realization a few days ago that homeschooling just doesn’t work for ME. I just cannot be consistent no matter how hard I try. And I have tried everything. Every type of curriculum. Every method. Every philosophy. Over and over and over again. I am always feeling guilty for not meeting my kids’ needs.
I came to the realization that I can’t take good care of myself AND be everything for my boys (mom, teacher, chef, counselor, chauffeur, and on and on…). Especially since they are highschoolers and have their own deep needs.
What this means is that Ethan will be going back to school after all (in the fall), and Levi and I have made a compromise… he will be taking 3 classes (part time enrollment is allowed here in Colorado!). So that means I will be teaching him English and History/Civics, and he will be doing math, science, and an elective (woodworking) at school. They have a block schedule, so that means I will be doing school with him every other day (2-3 days per week). Both boys will be receiving accommodations (Levi doesn’t have an IEP yet… that’ll take a bit). They will have the support that they need (more than in Texas by far).
I have also learned that I cannot control Ethan and that he will have to learn to make decisions on his own and have the natural consequences that follow. That’s really the best thing for him in the long run. He’s about to be 17… he will be out of the house soon. I want to set him up for success so he can learn how to manage his behavior and the world around him. I have noticed that I try to control him so much out of fear, but that’s not healthy for him or for me.
I don’t know what each day will look like… things have been so scattered and messy. Maybe that’s just life. I don’t know.
I STILL haven’t started EMDR because my therapist likes to address “front-burner” issues first. And I can’t seem to come with her with no “front-burner” issues. Lol.
One day at a time.
On another note… we went to South Dakota last weekend! We were planning on going to Moab but found out it was Jeep Safari Weekend which apparently is crazy. So, the day before we left, we decided to go to South Dakota instead and camped in the Black Hills National Forest, went to Mount Rushmore, and hung out in Rapid City! It was a fun time!
Here are a few pictures!
simplycourtney.org 