I remember the day that I checked myself into rehab very clearly.
After I had gotten checked in (my bags were searched, I was searched, I talked with the financial lady and cried), I saw the medical doctor for the first time.
I remember asking him, “are there any other people like me here?”
For some reason, I thought I was better than other addicts because I was a stay-at-home, homeschooling, Christian mom, living at a Christian camp where my husband worked. I was afraid. I didn’t know what to expect at all.
The doctor looked at me a bit confused. I was honestly still in denial that I was even an addict despite the fact that I checked myself in. I was also thinking that somehow I was better than those who were there.
The stigma made it very difficult to grasp that “someone like me” could be an alcoholic/addict.
What I realized very quickly is that addiction knows no bounds, race, socioeconomic status, faith/religion, occupation, etc. An addict is an addict. I quickly realized that addiction brought a bond with other addicts that couldn’t be found anywhere else.
I was surrounded by all kinds of people: teachers, lawyers, people off the “streets,” people who were court ordered to be there, pilots, stay-at-home-moms, Christians, people who want nothing to do with religion/God, older women and men who were retired and had grand kids, gay people, musicians, married people, single people, and on and on. And I’ve never felt more connected with people in my life.
I realized quickly that I was not any better than anyone else. I bonded with people over trauma and mental illness. I bonded with people over my faith and over the fact that I’ve struggled with my faith. There’s a connection with other addicts that feels impossible to put into words.
This experience changed me and how I see the world for the rest of my life, and I’m so grateful.
I used to think that my faith somehow made me better than others. I didn’t realize that I felt that way, but it’s true.
After I left rehab, I went through more years of suffering as I had to learn how to live my life without being able to numb.
I went into “the rooms” (AA) and continued to experience so much as I processed my addiction with other addicts. I worked the twelve steps and saw my part in a lot of my resentments. Through this process, I realized that there was a lot that I could change in my own life (which was honestly very hard).
I went through years of physical and mental health suffering. The physical health suffering was due to the mental health suffering as I felt it very somatically (in my body). I had a cough for four years that the doctors couldn’t figure out. I had off and on months’ long suffering through hyperventilation syndrome (the WORST feeling in the world- not being able to take a deep breath or breathe “normal” for months at a time).
I went through a few years of “deconstruction” as I wrestled with my doubts about God and anger with all that I had been through and was continuing to go through.
I struggled with feeling like I never fit in anywhere and like I was an outcast. Living at a Christian camp has been hard in this way (though many people accepted/accept me anyway).
I struggled with being able to work (still do) since my mental health kind of ran the show most of the time.
I struggled with my identity.
I’ve struggled with things in my family of origin as I’ve realized that I actually went through trauma growing up and didn’t realize it (in addition to traumas that I suffered at school). This is still something I’m working through. There were definitely traumas that I knew about, but the more I dig, the more I realize that the diagnosis of “chronic trauma” fits pretty well.
I’ve struggled deeply with depression and anxiety. I have felt like I had no reason to continue.
I’ve struggled with extreme ups and downs. I always feel like I’m on a roller coaster in life. I struggle with very black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking.
I was diagnosed with ADHD. My psychiatric nurse practitioner and I are still trying to figure out my diagnoses and medications (after many, many years), but we are getting there.
I still have mental health struggles, but remembering where I’ve been and how far I’ve come reminds me that I’ve gone through so much healing and growth. I’m so grateful.
If I hadn’t have gone through all that I have, I would still be lacking depth in who I am and in my relationship with Christ and those around me.
I know how much God loves everyone, and everyone has a seat at the table.
I read the Word and see the depth of love that Jesus has for everyone. I see that he was there for the poor, suffering, sick, and the marginalized… NOT for the “religious leaders.”
The “lowly” people know they need Jesus and His healing. The “religious” think their actions save them and couldn’t/can’t see Jesus for WHO He truly was. This is still the case from what I’ve seen.
Because of my experiences, when I meet another addict (no matter what they look like or where they’ve been), I feel an immediate connection.
Because of my experiences, I love people a lot more deeply and do not think of myself as better than anyone else.
Because of my experiences, I feel a compassion and empathy for people who I might have looked down on before.
Because of my experiences, there is a depth beyond words in my relationship with Christ and others around me.
Because of my experiences, I know that I am nothing without Christ, and my relationship with Christ is more intimate than it has ever been. And my relationship with Christ is about Him and not about religion or rules.
Because of my experiences, I am no longer surprised by the darkness of this world, by how someone looks, by how people speak, or by the decisions that they make in their lives. I’m not “put off” by people who may be different from me because I see the deep love that Christ has for them.
Because of my experiences, I have learned how to fight for my kids and their own struggles. I didn’t have that as a kid or teenager, so I desire to make sure their mental health needs are met now so they don’t have to go through all that I have. They will still have struggles, but they will have this foundation to fall back on.
Because of my experiences, I can set the proper boundaries knowing that it’s not about me, but about them and their own “stuff.” I know that I cannot convince someone else to find healing and that they must come to that on their own (which can be hard).
Because of my experiences, I have gained a boldness, courage, strength, hope, and peace that I wouldn’t have had without the suffering that I have experienced.
Darkness isn’t the end of the story. Darkness is not the end of your story.
Know that God loves you so much and is there with you as you walk through whatever you’re walking through.
You are loved. You are wanted. You are enough.
Your sin has been paid for with the blood of Jesus. Jesus first healed the physical needs then reminded people to walk away from their sin because he knew it hurt the person. It wasn’t about being “better” but about being healed. He just wants people to have freedom.
I still have seasons of suffering, but now I lean into Jesus in deep ways and He walks with me through it. He has given me an abundant life beyond words. I wouldn’t be able to live a life of gratitude as I do now without the suffering. Every day feels new and full of hope and excitement.
I see. I see the beauty in the world. I see the sun through the pine trees as I look out my back window. I see the beauty of the birds as they perch on the branches. I see the beauty of the mountains. I see the moss in the forest. I see the wildflowers. I feel the quietness of the snowfall. I feel the warmth of my wood-burning fireplace on a cold day. I feel the softness of my sourdough as I stretch and fold. I notice the slowness of my days. I notice the provisions that God constantly gives to our family. I receive God’s good gifts every day.
I pray that you get to this point in your life. That you can see. That you can appreciate deeply.
I’m here if you need anything. I love you and God loves you. No matter what you have done.
“There Came a Light” by Chris Renzema
Oh here I am before You now
A beggar in the street
Oh here I am before You now
The woman at your feet
Yeah I only want to touch Your robes
And then I will be clean
Yeah I only need to feel Your grace
And then I will be free
So while we were sinners and lost
You walked among us
We were too weak to stand
You bore our cross
And now Your victory song’s raised
It’s echoing age to age
That through darkness
There came a light
So here I am a hollow man
Walking with the dead
Oh here I am in scarlet robe
Stones raised above my head
I only need to hear Your voice
And then I’ll rise to sing
I’ll get up off this dusty Earth
And bring my offering
So while we were sinners and lost
You walked among us
We were too weak to stand
You bore our cross
And now Your victory song’s raised
It’s echoing age to age
That through darkness
There came a light
So while we were sinners and lost
You walked among us
We were too weak to stand
You bore our cross
And now Your victory song’s raised
It’s echoing age to age
That through darkness
There came a light
simplycourtney.org 