Learning To Be More Intentional

I have been trying to write a blog post for days. It has felt nearly impossible because I’ve had the flu. It just won’t go away!

Because of this, my thoughts are kind of all over the place.

I keep going to bed hoping that I will wake up feeling better the next day, then I wake up with a sore throat, cough, and fatigue. It has been over a week now! I’ve been told it could last two weeks. I have made improvement (no fever, achy body, etc), but it’s just lingering!

My cousin and her family were going to stop by today on their way home from Great Wolf Lodge, but I told her it probably wasn’t a great idea. I woke up still feeling bad. There are so many things that I want to do, and I just can’t seem to make any of it happen.

I’m no longer contagious… I just don’t have the energy or focus to be able to do any of the things that I want to do.

I have mostly sat at my kitchen table, sat on my couch, been in the tub, or in my bed. I’ve been going to be so early most nights.

I do want to attempt to share some things I’m excited about despite this stupid flu!

Intuitive Eating (and Movement)

First, I want to talk about my intuitive eating journey.

Last year, I was “consistent” with my movement and eating for the first time in basically my whole life. I thought that was what was contributing to my healing, but I was very mistaken.

In fact, I think it was keeping me from true healing.

I was so focused on working out all the time, dieting constantly (I tracked my food almost the entire year), and weighing myself every single day (celebrating when the number went down and being bummed when it didn’t… or if it went up). That was my identity. It made me feel like I was somehow better than other people who didn’t work out, eat “well,” or lose weight. I lost almost 20 pounds.

Since I stopped all of this, I have gained some weight back, and I’m honestly okay with this. I just cannot diet anymore. I cannot keep focusing on weight loss and killing my body doing movement that is way too intense for me. I honestly didn’t even enjoy the workout program that I was doing.

A lot of what I was doing was pushed and encouraged by the program that I had been a part of for several years. The focus was on working out no matter what. No excuses. Eating perfectly. Intense movement at all costs. There was even a lot of encouragement to workout when sick. So many people would post “guilty” posts because they felt like they couldn’t measure up. I know I felt that way the majority of the time.

Since I’ve left the “fitness world,” I feel so much better about myself. I do plan to get back to running and hiking, but I am doing what I want, not what everyone makes me feel like I should be doing. The hustle culture is the opposite of what brings true peace, and I’m just done with it.

Now, I eat foods that make me feel good. The focus is on nourishment and satisfaction, not on numbers. Not on being as small as possible. Not on eating as little as possible. Not on having certain grams of each macro.

This new way of thinking about food and movement is bleeding into other areas of my life.

Slowness and Rest

Getting sick definitely makes one rest in a way that they wouldn’t otherwise. I’m NOT good at resting. That has been the hardest part of being sick.

I’ve learned that the house can wait (as hard as that is). I’ve learned to just sit and watch things without feeling guilty. Everyone has been telling me to stop doing things and just rest. I think sometimes our bodies will force us to rest when we won’t choose to on our own.

Things I’m Learning

Last week (2/24-2/26) we went to the sectional CCCA conference (Christian Camp and Conference Association). In a lot of ways, it was really hard for me. I had a lot of time to kill but no good spot to do that. I felt out of place in some ways. But, the speaker was the best I’ve ever experienced. He helped me see things in new ways. In addition, I had a really encouraging and needed conversation with one of our friends here at camp.

I left with a lot to “chew on,” then ended up sick, so I haven’t been able to process as much as I would love. I’m getting there, but I will be processing slowly here on the blog.

I typed in my online journal last week while we were at the conference, and I thought I’d start by sharing what I wrote there!

A few things from my conversation with my friend:

Jesus set consistent boundaries.
Jesus allowed people to make their own decisions and didn’t chase them down.
Jesus wasn’t overly emotional or take on others’ emotions when making boundaries.
The inward spiritual life (spiritual formation) is the most important part of our mental health/life
Sometimes we live in an identity so long that we don’t allow God to heal us… we would rather live in that identity even if it’s destructive (I think of a family member that I’m struggling with so much, but I also see myself in this!)
We can do more for ourselves than we think (sometimes our letting go/surrendering needs to be us surrendering our ideas of things… and that we can make more change in our lives than we think)!

From the Speaker (Richard Dahlstrom):

We need capacity to serve others
Our problem is fear and control
Ingratitude exacerbates our fear and control
The testimony of God’s character is in His creation!
We lose our sense of wonder and fail to give thanks- our capacity dries up
Live every single day with a sense of wonder and gratitude
Pay attention every day: say THANK YOU for the blessings and DIFFICULTIES
David had so many reasons to be angry and bitter, but instead, he praised and had gratitude
- He lamented but always turned back to God
Pay attention! Live every day with wonder. Be fully present in the moment. Be in AWE.
Pay attention! Live in gratitude!
Make KNOWING GOD the #1 thing in your life.
Look what God has made. The God who made this, made you.
Our identity is not in our family, our work, our hobbies, or anything that we do. It is in Christ alone. All of those things can fade away, but He never will.
Often God is with us and we don’t even know because we are not paying attention. We are so distracted.
A coping mechanism that we all have is to try to control everything. We can’t control! Only God can. We have to trust in His promises.
Our sin and desire to control has consequences because God is sovereign. But. He can still use us for His purposes.
Be honest about your struggles- bring them to light. Darkness brought into the light loses its power.

I desire to take a personal retreat. I am so excited and at peace, but the medication won’t last forever, so I need to dig deeper and work through the trauma.

I also desire to learn how to be quiet, listen, and to stop trying to control everything.

New, Exciting Things Are Coming!

It’s kind of a long story as to how I got here, but I am going to start selling my sourdough bread, crackers, tortillas, dehydrated sourdough starter, fresh ground wheat flour, etc at a local Farm Swap as soon as I start feeling better. Then this summer, I will be selling at a local farmer’s market!

In addition, we currently have 21 baby chicks, and I have lots of plans for this land where we live. I plan to develop as much of it as I can, but it’ll take time. The first phase is having a bunch of raised beds! I have many, many seeds. I plan to start some of them soon. I ordered these trays that act as a greenhouse and have lights built in!

We have many resources to re-purpose items to make into raised beds. I’m currently researching how to possibly grow right into the ground as well, but I’ve been told we don’t have great soil, so we will see how that goes!

I am picking up a composter from a friend who isn’t going to use it (some people who lived in that house previously left it there).

I’ve been torn and back and forth about how much I want to do on this property, but I decided recently that I want to just GO FOR IT! I’m honestly about to live out my dreams.

Adventures to Come

I plan to try to take a personal camping retreat sometime soon. It’ll have to wait until Karis is back at school (she’ll be home in a week for Spring Break).

Robert and I plan to try to make Mondays adventure days with the boys. This hasn’t been possible lately because of weather, being out of town, then me being sick. But, we will make it happen!

I plan to get back to some running and definitely more hiking. I got some new shoes and some YakTrax (they help with walking on ice).

There are more camping days in our near future. Robert and I would love to go on a backpacking trip this summer, but we still have some planning to do. We also plan on going white water rafting this summer again. I’m so excited about all the adventuring to come! We have so many opportunities right around us where we live!

I love Colorado!

We also have a lot of snow ahead of us, still, because March and April are the snowiest months of the year! But thankfully, it’s super beautiful in between!