Clarity

Every single day, I feel more and more clarity in my mind and heart.

It’s really hard to put into words.

On a normal day, even in my “good seasons,” there is a heaviness, anxiety, and fear that is just always there. It’s like my brain is always scanning and trying to figure out what is “bothering me” every minute of the day. I usually feel incredibly overwhelmed and am always wanting to do all these things that I feel like I can never attain. Living in two opposite extremes. Major lack of balance. There were all these things that I wanted to do and be consistent with, but I have felt like it was impossible.

I wanted to do “all the things” and couldn’t, so then I would do “nothing.” Or I would attempt to do “all the things” and fall flat pretty quickly.

And in my depressed seasons… I could barely function (even a week ago!). I was eating emotionally, struggling to keep up with chores, struggling to workout, was always exhausted/had no energy, wasn’t sleeping well (lots of anxiety-driven vivid dreams), felt like no one liked me and I was a burden to everyone around me, constantly feeling guilty for everything, trying to control everything and not being able to, living with the constant weight of the things that felt out of control (everything), panic-texting friends, emotionally spending, and on and on. I always wanted to fix how I felt and figure out why I felt that way despite knowing my life is pretty great!

The negative emotions that I experience don’t feel debilitating. Friday was a stressful day, but I didn’t feel incredible anxiety because of it. Yes, I was stressed, but it wasn’t SO deep like it usually is.

Today, it’s almost like I’m able to put all the things I’ve learned over the years into practice.

I feel a desire/motivation to take better care of myself, but not at an extreme. I feel good about working slowly to get back to working out and don’t feel like I need to workout every single day. I’m content with starting with my running plan for now and adding to that over time. I am also living out “intuitive eating” without work. It just comes naturally to me now. I don’t beat myself up constantly about not eating “perfectly” but am craving more fresh foods naturally.

Yesterday, I went through my clothes and things and boxed up a bunch of stuff to give away. I included my scale in those boxes. I get weighed weekly at my nurse practitioner/therapy appointment, so that is enough at the moment. Weighing daily messes with my mind! I cannot diet my whole life, and I’m finally feeling good about that.

A few days ago, I picked up 695 pounds (!!) of wheat berries, 35 pounds of whole millet, 25 pounds of rice, and 25 pounds of bread flour from a woman who is downsizing and moving and wanted to give all of this away! I am sharing with a friend here at camp. This is a HUGE blessing. Yesterday, I cleaned out my office closet (which was FULL) to put it all in there. It has to be in a space that is climate-controlled, so that made the most sense. In order to do that, I had to make room in my closet to move stuff over. So, yesterday, I spent all day re-organizing everything. It felt SO good to get all of that done! And it all looks so much better and less overwhelming. I am giving away like 8-10 boxes of stuff. Mostly clothes, but some kitchen items and miscellaneous items.

I also no longer feel panicked about the boys’ school. I think we will find out this week whether or not Ethan will be able to go back to school next year, and I am feeling good about continuing to homeschool Levi. Things have been so much better in our relationship this week. We have had a rocky relationship lately.

I’m assuming things will level out over time, and I’m still taking everything one day at a time because I really have no idea what tomorrow will be like. I’m going to just focus on celebrating and being grateful today. Every new day feels so good at the moment.

If I continue feeling like this, I do plan to go ahead and get chickens again and plant a large garden.

Oh, something else that maybe seems “normal” to most people is realizing that I don’t have to go “all in” if I decide to “homestead.” Like, I love Coke Zero, and I don’t have to live in shame because of that. I can drink Coke Zero and still have chickens and a garden. I can take medication and still use some natural remedies. It’s not either/or. I didn’t even think of that being a thing… this balanced perspective.

I don’t know how to explain the clarity in my mind, but I’ll just be grateful. I hope this continues. There is a piece of me that worries that it’s not going to last, but all I can do is take one step at a time!

I feel like I’m really just getting to know myself for the first time!