After four doses of my new medication, I’ve already started to feel noticeably better. I didn’t think that was possible because I have read it can take up to 2-6 weeks. But then I googled and realized that a lot of people noticed a difference almost right away (especially if they were in a depressive episode). I thought it was a fluke, but maybe it’s not? I am still taking everything one day at a time. I’m super hopeful, though. And also. Gosh. I wish I didn’t have to stop taking this so many years ago. I remember it working decently well but just couldn’t afford it. I’m so grateful there is a generic, and it’s only $10. God provides in so many different ways… medication being one of them!
Today I was thinking just how much I struggle with being true to who I am, the passions that God has given me, and the strong empathy I feel for people who are in hard places because of tiptoeing around others and their thoughts and opinions. I’m honestly afraid to scare people away. I have such a fear of rejection. I think that’s where a LOT of my anxiety comes from.
Growing up, I was bullied so badly. For years and years. I was punched in the face and knocked out by two boys after school once. I was knocked out of a swing and stomped on. I’ve been punched in the arm many times by random kids. I was also just not accepted for who I was and treated as if there was something very wrong with me. For years, y’all. Because of this (and other things), I struggle a lot with people pleasing. With rejection. With being labeled odd or weird or different or as if there is something majorly wrong with me.
Since then, I’ve gone through even more severe trauma and really difficult mental health suffering (not just struggle… as everyone struggles… this is much deeper… so much darkness).
Sometimes I feel panicked and post/text people/act super anxious/panicked. Some of that is due to hyperfocus, depression, impulsivity, etc. I have beat myself up for years. But I am starting to learn that if I’m too much for you, then you’re not for me. I work SO hard to be “better,” which honestly takes so much out of me. There’s only so much I can do. And I need to be better for myself and my family, not for you to be more comfortable around me.
All of this to say… I am learning who I can and can’t trust to share my deep struggles with (I don’t post everything on here…).
I am also learning that I cannot avoid sharing my deep feelings and passions about things to keep people happy with me. I may not be who you think because I often try to keep quiet or at least share my opinions not as loudly as I would like.
Here are a few things…
I love Jesus. I love worshipping Him, reading His Word, and growing into a more intimate relationship with Him. And as I’ve done this, I’ve begun to see who HE truly is… not what I’ve been taught my whole life… and definitely not who a bunch of Christian’s are preaching.
I’m honestly so confused by what I’ve been seeing these days that “Christians” believe because it’s not Christ-like. It baffles me and makes me so sad. I’m grateful that a lot of my friends who don’t believe the same way I do can see who Christ is through those who actually follow Christ. But it’s getting fewer and fewer. A lot of people are running as far away from “Christianity” as they can because the people who they associate with it are celebrating pretty terrible things.
I love everyone… my family and friends, poor people, people who are in the midst of addiction (with boundaries when necessary), gay people, people who are in the midst of deep mental health suffering, people who live in deep darkness… having been through what I have has opened my eyes to the deep suffering that so many people go through. I love people because I’m called to and because that’s what is in my heart to do.
I have a LOT of friends and family in the LGBTQ community. Including a close family member. Hating them will not draw them to Christ. Just sayin’.
I’m not better than those who celebrate things that confuse me, and I know that they need my love as well. But I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not just so sad about how people are using Christ’s name to further their own agenda. I’m also confused by it. I know I’ve said that a lot, but it’s the only word that I can find.
Other random things… I have seasons in which I want to do all the “natural” things and seasons in which I just can’t. And drink all the Coke Zero and eat all the chips and sweets. I have seasons in which I want to go “all in” on things then realize my brain needs me to cut way back. I have seasons in which I workout a lot, and seasons in which it’s hard to even take a walk. Some of that is because my brain is always wanting to live in two extremes and also because we can all only handle so much. Hopefully the extremes will get better over time!
I also refuse to shelter my kids from the world that they live in even if that means they may make poor decisions. I want them to be with people so they can love like Jesus calls us to. I also want them to be able to handle the world as they get older. It’s a hard place to be. I would rather them be prepared. In fact, the one who has probably made the worst decisions and has gone through the most is the one who SEES Jesus for who He is. I think that people who have gone through a lot see their need for Jesus more. Those of us who have been in the darkness the most know that we can do nothing without Him. His grace, mercy, hope, love, counsel, and strength mean so much to us. On a deep level.
If you’ve gotten this far, thanks for reading. I truly love my family and friends even if we disagree, but I won’t shy away from sharing my concern and confusion.
I hope that my brain continues getting to a better place, one second, minute, and day at a time. And if this bothered you, I can’t be sorry anymore. I’m not going to try to hide anymore.
On another note…
I finally started having a desire again to run. I’ve run three times this week. Short distances, but that’s a great start. Yesterday was so beautiful but cold! I made the mistake of not dressing warm enough, but it was totally worth it.
I’ve been learning to eat intuitively, and I can honestly say that it has helped me a lot! I’m feeling less “crazy” around food and more settled there. It’s still a work-in-progress, but I’m getting there! I’ve learned that food rules just don’t work for me!
Just a few meals from this past week… a variety! And no guilt. A mix of homemade, Coke Zero (haha), sweets, fast food, protein, fruits and veggies.
School has finally gotten to a better place lately. After many months of trying to figure out what works best for all of us, we are finally settled into routine. I’ll write a separate post about this, but I’m super excited about where things are headed in this area!
While we are having a lot of snow/cold days, we are having nice days in between which really helps! We are coming into our snowiest months, so I need to just keep intentionally enjoying it. I truly still find snow to be magical, and cold days just mean we chill inside with the wood-burning fireplace.
Life is truly so good. I hope that my brain continues to get even clearer, lighter, and more hopeful!
simplycourtney.org 