When I wrote yesterday, I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I had a lot of friends praying for me in addition to praying a lot myself.
Just since yesterday, my mental health has gotten so much better. I still have some anxiety (and my physical health isn’t perfect yet), but my depression has lifted so much.
The only explanation is God’s supernatural power and the power of prayer, truly.
My therapy was so sweet and just what I needed. I’ve been seeing my NP for almost a year. She knows me very well, and she knows my boys very well. She knew what I needed… first of all, a hug. Second of all, she told me what I NEEDED to hear even though it was kind of hard.
I realized that a lot of the issues that I was having with my boys is that I needed to set and keep boundaries/expectations and have consequences for them not following my expectations.
I know this logically… but it’s really hard when I’m depressed to see this.
She feels that they have been manipulating me to an extent (mostly one of them for sure). She doesn’t know that they knew they were… but I am so sensitive to mental health struggles, so I tend to be too soft on them because of that. They both use it as a crutch/excuse.
She reminded me that they are fully capable of working independently. They are fully capable of getting their work done and doing their chores without me having to be on top of them. If they don’t do what they are supposed to do, they need to have a consequence. This doesn’t need to involve emotion or frustration… if they don’t do what they are supposed to, then there will be a consequence.
Yes, they have extra struggles with their ADHD, but they are both medicated now. They are capable. They are at an age in which they need to take more and more responsibility and working towards more and more independence… even with their ADHD.
I had ADHD my whole life and didn’t know it. School was hard for me, but I worked hard and made it happen… without a diagnosis or medication. They can handle it.
This was somewhat hard for me to hear… but it was also helpful. I have been allowing them to get away with too much, but that stops now.
We had a talk with them last night, and we shared our expectations and the consequences that will happen if they don’t follow through. They seemed to take it pretty well.
She also told me that I need to take some more time for myself and she reminded me how important it is to take care of myself. I cannot take care of my family if I’m falling apart.
She suggested maybe having them work a little more independently this next week or so to catch my breath and get back into taking care of myself.
About that…
In my depression, I thought I needed to quit the workout program that I’ve been doing for years. I have been thinking they are too intense, they make working out and nutrition too much of a “focus,” and that I needed to quit for my mental health… but I was wrong. Quitting has actually hurt my mental health.
My brain needs movement. Period. Without it, I sink. This program has been the only thing that has kept me moving consistently at any point in my whole life. I was viewing things all wrong!
Thankfully my membership was still active; I just had to stop the cancelation.
My goal moving forward is to slowly and gently get back to the habits/routines that I need. I haven’t really worked out much in months, so it’ll be slow moving. But, I’m excited about getting back to the things that I know my brain needs.
We will be going to church tomorrow for the first time in several weeks which I’m looking forward to!
I feel like I can think again! I’m remembering who I am and what I need.
One day at a time, though, because I really don’t know what each new day brings. I’m just walking with Jesus day by day.
simplycourtney.org 