Food, Fitness, Grace, Identity, and True Peace

I have had a pretty rough few months. Last week, I really thought I was slipping back into deep depression. It’s hard to put into words, but I couldn’t function. When I have days like that, I assume the worst. It’s hard not to!

Through this hard season, I’m learning WHO I am, what I want, and what’s important to me. I’m also learning what’s not for me after all (that I have been chasing for a long time).

I am feeling more and more at peace lately as I lean into my values and what’s truly best for my mental health. Turns out, it’s not what I have thought or what has been taught to me.

I’ve written many times that I often try to do things to fix my situation or mental health struggle or whatever. I might always do that to an extent, but my biggest desire is to learn how to just live life… to just “be.” I desire to be present and adventurous and play and just enjoy this beautiful life that God has given me. Instead, I seek perfection in everything, put all of my focus on exercise and nutrition, spend a lot of time on planning things that I rarely follow through with, and on and on.

I write intentions and goals here on this blog (and on my social media) then feel the heavy weight of trying to live up to them. I try to do all-the-things well or perfectly.

I try to fit myself into a box of some sort whether that be a “homesteading mama,” or in the nutrition and exercise world, or _____________________.

The more I grow, the more I realize it is impossible for me to fit into a box, and it’s also not necessary. The desire to fit into a box/label is what constantly keeps me stuck and feeling like I’m in chains.

Instead of writing everything on my blog or social media, I’ve been doing a LOT of journaling. I’ve been seeking God’s wisdom more than ever. Every single morning, I write my memory verse, write 5 things I’m grateful for, study God’s Word (using The Bible Recap), then pray (in journal form). I then read a little bit from a few books and take notes/reflect. This has been the sweetest time for me. I have gained a lot of peace and wisdom through this.

God has used some amazing resources to speak to me in addition to just being in His presence. Honestly, being in His presence is the ultimate peace. He is peace.

Taking time to slow down, listen, talk to God, read His Word, read words that others have written that are about Him, write, and just be, has been the best way I could have ever started 2025.

I’ve made some decisions, but most of all, I’m truly learning to take one moment at a time. I’m learning that who I am is enough. I’m learning that perfection isn’t possible or necessary. I’m learning that the hard times have a purpose. I’m learning to make decisions based on God’s wisdom and my values. I’m learning that people don’t really care what I do or don’t do (which is pretty freeing).

I want to share some excerpts from a book that has had a huge impact on me. Unfortunately, I didn’t finish it, and it’s due back to the library. I’ll have to re-check it at some point to finish it! But what I read was SO good that I feel it’s enough to “chew on” for now.

The book is called Practicing the Way by John Mark Comer.

The question, “who are you following?” comes up for me a lot lately. I have been really thinking through that over the past few weeks, and I realize that my desire to follow this person or that person, this idea or that idea, is what keeps me stuck. I can literally hear certain people’s words in my head as I think about what’s “best” because I’ve spent so much time listening to them. It’s what keeps me being tossed by the “waves.” James 1 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”

I am aware that a lot of my back-and-forth struggles have to do with my ADHD. It makes me feel like I’m always being pulled in opposite directions. But. I also believe that God tries to give me wisdom, and I’m tossed around by the waves of what “experts” say or by what works for someone else or by what I feel will “fix” whatever issue I’m having. Instead of seeking Jesus, I’m seeking wisdom from the world. Trying to do things the way the world says I should do them to be “well.” Many of these people are well-intentioned, but especially people who run a business, they will try to sway you to believe what they believe. It’s just the way it is. People who feel like something is best for them will want to say it’s best for everyone. All of the podcasts that I listen to, social media accounts that I follow, and groups that I have belonged to have had more influence over my decisions than God’s Word has. This is why I’ve been tossed around.

As a person with ADHD, I am constantly seeking dopamine, and the excitement and hope of certain things gets me going. But then I start to feel the weight of pressure, expectation, etc, which then makes me feel like I’m just always carrying a heavy weight.

I tend to walk around with guilt and shame for never “measuring up” in the fitness and nutrition “world.” I have seasons when I workout a lot, eat really well, etc, and I feel good about myself. But when my mental health crashes and I can’t keep up, I just feel guilt and shame for that. I have been part of a workout program/community since July of 2021, and I thought it was life-changing for me. In some ways, maybe it was. I’ve noticed lately that they are not any different than the rest of the fitness industry.

I decided last week to drop the challenge that I was trying to do, then I actually decided to leave Street Parking altogether. Since then, I have felt an enormous weight lift.

I have been a “disciple” of this program and the fitness world, assuming that if I ever left or did things differently, I wouldn’t be doing things “right.” The idea that intense workouts are absolutely necessary (so much that I see people getting injured all the time, including myself). The idea that eating fast food or eating anything other than “whole/unprocessed foods” was WRONG (unless it’s Christmas day of course… then you may have a cookie or piece of pie). Strict nutrition is necessary. Working out 5-6 days a week is best. Making fitness and nutrition my life is necessary. Feeling guilty when I didn’t measure up (which was never).

Fitness and nutrition became an idol for me that buried me under the weight of an expectation that I could never meet. I also kept thinking that I have to be the one to control things like my cholesterol (which my doctors don’t seem to be concerned with) and my mental health (with movement and nutrition). Ultimately, this way of life has made me more stressed, anxious, and confused than anything else. Because it’s not me. My identity is in Jesus, not how I look, whether or not I have visible muscle, whether or not I’m eating enough protein or fruits and veggies, whether or not I workout a lot, and on and on. It’s also not in whether or not I have chickens, a garden, and live a “homesteading life.”

Anything/anyone that I am following that is not Jesus just leads me into destruction.

I read a book in the fall called Grace, Food, and Everything in Between by Aubrey Golbek (RDN). While I did enjoy it and get something out of it, my heart wasn’t quite ready to process. I wasn’t quite ready to receive the wisdom that God had for me in it. So, I’ve recently started the book over again. Yesterday I did a lot of journaling, and I want to share a few things that feel important to me.

Something that is very important about this versus the “fitness industry” is that it’s wisdom from God. This is what I desire to pay attention to.

The first chapter is called, “The Insidious Side of Wellness Culture.” While I know all of this (I’ve been through many programs that are against diet culture including working with an intuitive eating dietitian), I have gotten so caught up in it the past few years that I have forgotten.

Here are some quotes from this chapter:

“We praise people for focusing on healthy eating and exercise, and we glorify social media influencers who alternate sharing photos of their latest super food meal with shots of their perfectly toned bodies as they attend the latest trendy fitness class. We hold these people on a pedestal and try our darndest to measure up, but where has it gotten us?”

“For the majority of Americans, wellness culture has given us a preoccupation with food, exercise, and our body. At best this means we worry about food and exercise several times a day and feel guilty when we ‘slip up.’ At worst, we’re completely consumed by food and exercise thoughts, obsessed with our own appearance and fitness, an obsession which leaves little time or energy for family, friends, or anything else worth while.”

“The wellness obsession becomes a form of bondage, one that’s socially acceptable, and even encouraged.”

“…the pursuit of worth from anything other than the cross of Jesus Christ is a sneaky form of slavery.”

“The insidious side of this well-intended message is people attaching their hope and morality to eating, whether they realize it or not.”

“…sometimes it starts out of a fear of death and disease and other times it’s out of intentions to live an effective joyful life; we decide to ‘get healthy.’”

“Weight loss is the primary goal, and the point on which everything else hinges, including identity.“

“The truth is, our worth is inherent.”

“Our worth then has nothing to do with our healthy behaviors, how we look, what we do for a living, or how successful we are. Our worth is already established. When we start with this truth in mind, we can begin to address our physical health from a grace-fueled perspective. This starts with believing that God has freely forgiven our imperfections and supplies us with His extravagant, unlimited love and favor, despite us doing nothing to earn or keep it.”

At the end of each chapter, she writes some reflection questions. I want to share a couple of those from this chapter and my answers. Hopefully they are helpful for you.

“How has wellness culture affected your beliefs about your worth and identity?”

Basically, I have felt the past several years that I have only made any growth because of my fitness consistency and nutrition. I thought that I needed visible muscle, weight loss, and super consistent habits to have true worth and growth. I have felt like a failure constantly because I never feel like I measure up. I feel like if I gain weight, don’t work out consistently, don’t eat well, etc, that I’m not worthy. I have seen that play out in the community that I’ve been involved with as well. People constantly post about their guilt and shame (not using those words) for struggling to be consistent, eating in ways that make them feel bad, weight gain, etc. It’s constant!

It all goes back to what I’ve been meditating on -> Who or what am I a disciple of? Who or what am I following? Who am I trusting?

Last question:

“What concerns about food, exercise, or body image have held you back from God’s calling on your life? What specific steps can you take to start living your calling as you are?”

My main concerns have been that I’ve been trying to measure up to this fitness culture world, and it has caused a constant heaviness. Street Parking, fitness/nutrition podcasts, fitness/nutrition social media accounts, etc have fueled this so much. I would constantly feel “guilty” for not workout out or not being “consistent enough.” I would constantly go back and forth between logging/measuring/tracking my food and feeling overwhelmed by it or doing “nothing” and feeling guilty about it. The constant shaming of people who don’t measure up to this was in my face constantly. A lot of my struggle with social media has been THIS. It has been mentally and emotionally exhausting.

The same goes for the “homesteading” and “crunchy” culture. It’s all based out of fear and shame and never measuring up. And under all of that are people that feel the need to say that that lifestyle is the only way that’s healthy.

The good news is, our worth and identity are in Jesus. He alone brings true healing. Nothing I do or don’t do in this world can bring that. My focus has been so off. I don’t necessarily blame myself for that. It’s everywhere. It’s the culture that we live in and saturates our social media experiences. Spending time with Jesus constantly has opened my eyes to so much. He gives wisdom when we ask. We need to receive His wisdom and live that out daily. As I’m truly realizing where my worth lies, I’m learning and truly allowing the truth to settle into my mind and heart. God is teaching me who I am in Him and what I do or don’t do changes nothing. I cannot be put into a box. Letting go of expectations (from myself and others), living in a way that honors my values, not seeking approval from others, being present with myself and my family, being content and intentional, living simply, and being more Wild + Free (in my own way, not how culture tells me to live that way) allow me to live a more peaceful life and brings true healing that I desire. Just getting my focus off of myself and onto Jesus and others is what I desire. He is where the joy is.

I’ve shared a lot of “before and after” pics over the years with my up and down weight. At the end of the day, I am learning to give the “before” Courtney more grace and have empathy for her. She was going through a lot including getting sober and trying to learn how to live a life with extreme mental health struggles without the ability to numb. It has been a lot to manage over the years. I’m working on getting better at not doing that because I’ve realized that people who gain weight (especially fast) typically have a lot going on inside. We are all just doing the best we can.

My hope is to really think about what I want and need before making decisions and really just focus on presence. I truly love this life that God has given me, and I desire for Him to be glorified through me.

At this point, my intention is to focus on my relationship with Jesus and those around me, eat when I’m hungry (trying to get some protein and fiber in because that’s what feels good and what my body truly needs), moving my body in ways that I enjoy (hiking, walking, yoga, some running, and basic weight lifting), drinking water (I am always dehydrated), and just living each day as it comes. I don’t have any fitness or nutrition goals. I don’t have any goals of perfection of a clean home, in homeschooling (we have gotten into a simple routine with this- I’ll share this later), or even in adventuring. I want to go with the flow and just enjoy this beautiful life that God has given me.

Living this beautiful life sometimes looks like being in the kitchen, reading, writing, planning, creating fun Canva things, playing games with the fam, hanging out with friends, journaling, hiking, camping, sitting by the fire with the snow coming down outside, enjoying nature, loving others better, being less anxious and irritable (it has been helping my relationships with my kids), cuddling with my dog, playing a random game on my phone, creating (I started doing watercolor recently), listening to music, drinking coffee/hot tea, eating snacks, taking a kiddo out for a meal, researching things that I enjoy learning about, date nights, and just truly living in the moment doing things that bring joy.