Robert and I went to one of our favorite coffee shops last night for a little date night. We had our favorite coffee and enjoyed the open mic night. This is becoming a more regular thing lately, and I love it.
While we were sitting and listening to people sing (and watching people at the next table over randomly doing watercolor), I realized several things.
I am STILL unsure of what I want, who I am, and what’s important to me. I still don’t know what I want or need. I still struggle with comparing myself to others, looking at what they’re doing, and trying to decide if I need to fit that into my life.
This Blog, Social Media, and Life Things
I write blog posts, then I feel like I have to live by and commit to everything I write and process.
I feel like writing blog posts is some sort of final product.
While I do get a lot out of writing, if I write and change my mind, I feel like I appear fickle.
I find that when I blog, I have to come to some sort of conclusion for how I will live my life from now on.
I feel like there’s less creativity and more expectation when I publish posts.
I started a little writing workshop this morning and realized that I want to take a break from blogging for a while. I want to just focus on the process of writing… doing a little bit of writing every day… and maybe actually get back to my memoir one day. I’m also paying for this blog every year, and I make no money from it. So even if I do come back, I might just use the free options. We will see. I’ve also been trying to understand Substack (that seems to be where writers are hanging out now)
I’ve also been going back and forth about whether or not I want to take another break from social media.
I’m re-reading a book that I read every year at this time called Rhythms of Renewal, and in the second chapter, she encourages everyone to take a two week break from social media and journal about it. I know that social media affects me greatly, but I also have some connections that I would miss. I also don’t have much self control, so it’s hard.
When we were listening to people sing last night, instead of being in the moment, I kept picking my phone up! I don’t know how to just be present when my phone is around.
I slept with it in the bathroom last night and just read before bed… my sleep was so good.
I’ve been struggling with things with my health (what to focus on and how to live this out), and I just don’t have that figured out. I need to really decide what I need and want and not do what everyone else is doing.
I have been wanting to draw more, learn how to do watercolor, and other creative things, but I never start or try because I want to be perfect all the time. I’ve decided to just set a basket of all these things in my dining room to just get them out and do them… not expecting a specific product.
My ADHD makes me feel pulled in opposite directions all the time which makes decisions, commitment, and consistency very hard. And then I overthink everything (like I’m probably doing right now). I really dislike my brain a lot of times. I’ve been trying not to say that too often because I know I have good things to offer as well, but I get so worn out from the extremes always running through my brain.
I haven’t had therapy in two weeks because of the holidays, and my next appointment isn’t until next Friday, so that’s hard. I am usually able to get this stuff out of my head every week.
I’ve been doing a lot more journaling lately which I’m loving. I just want to continue that and take a break from sharing every thought with the world.
Life is messy. My brain is messy. But life is also so beautiful, and I want to be IN it.
Who knows when I’ll be back… it could be soon or never. But I just know that something needs to change. I need to do something different and new.
simplycourtney.org 