I feel like I’ve been living in some paradoxes lately.
Simply put, a paradox is a situation/statement that lives in contradiction (two opposites that can be true at the same time).
On one hand, I’m still so so grateful for the life that God has given me. I absolutely LOVE where we live. I’m still just so thankful to God for this opportunity, every single day. I am so grateful to live in Colorado. For the beautiful snow. For an amazing, supportive camp community. For the fact that Robert is so appreciated and seen. For the fact that we have made such sweet friends who truly love us for who we are and are here for us in new ways. For the fact that I don’t have to worry about “fitting in” because that’s not even a thing here. For my amazing psychiatric nurse practitioner. For our needs being met in new, beautiful ways. I don’t have to work. Things are tight, but we are okay (I’m still learning how to manage our money, but we actually have enough “on paper” now). We have amazing insurance. My copays are almost always just $10-20. Our family has enough space now in our home. We have a paid-for vehicle that may have little issues, but it’s reliable. My mental health has been up and down, but more up than down (if that makes sense). I have finally found treatment for my ADHD which has been so incredibly helpful. Honestly, just really learning to understand my brain has been so helpful in living this life.
There has been a lot of beauty in this year, but also a lot of struggle.
As I’ve said before, life is hard AND beautiful.
I still struggle with anxiety and depression. The boys are still adjusting to our new life. One of my boys has had a lot of extra struggle with mental health and behavior (because of mental health struggles) the past few months. One of the boys is still so sad to not be with his friends at our old camp… he just misses his “old life.” He doesn’t handle change well. Adjusting to Karis being gone has affected our day-to-day. I still haven’t gotten used to it. It always feels like she’s missing. She is doing pretty well in college! But it has been a hard adjustment for her as well. I’m so excited to have her back for a month soon!
There have been some other really hard things happening. Life has been rocky this past month or so. I haven’t known how to handle certain situations. I have had to spend a lot of time in prayer for God’s wisdom, unity with Robert, and just to know what to do some days. I have spent a lot of time in therapy trying to work through all of these things.
The same paradox exists in this particular season.
I am working through several books for an Advent study that I’m doing with some amazing homeschooling mamas (through the A Mother’s Education Advent Study), and my absolute favorite book is Heaven and Nature Sing: 25 Advent Reflections to Bring Joy to the World by Hannah Anderson. It’s so beautiful. I haven’t kept up with all of the reading (there are a lot), but this is one book that I have tried to be consistent with.
In the first chapter (titled “Wintering”), she talks about how in the winter we see beautiful nature that was once full of life turn to frost and dead/dormant/decaying earth. “In December, it’s hard to believe that the earth ever brought forth life or that it ever will again.”
“Here in this season, with its quiet, pervasive witness to both life and death, when we’re most fully aware of the darkness can we become most fully aware of the light. Here our cries for deliverance become songs of praise. And here, between what is and what will be, I am most convinced of the glory that must come. Because here, where Advent turns to Nativity, creation itself teaches us to hope in our Creator, infant King.”
Through darkness, we can truly see the light. Through the death of nature, the life of nature feels new and beautiful and amazing.
We have to have both to truly be able to appreciate what we have.
There are some situations in our life right now that I’m not sure how they will turn out. I have to surrender my will, my desires, and what I think is right to Jesus to work things out in supernatural ways.
I have hope because I know that spring is coming eventually.
I have hope because I have seen God work things out in ways that will never make sense to my brain.
I have hope because God is faithful.
I have hope because in the dark night, Jesus came.
simplycourtney.org 