Acceptance

I feel like I’m coming into a new phase of life.

The past few days during my prayer journaling, I have just felt God’s presence and peace in new ways.

I shared these things on Facebook, but I’m going to expand on them here.

I’m learning that it’s okay to have less active seasons. It’s not an emergency, it doesn’t make me less worthy as a person, and it doesn’t mean this is my forever. I have more active seasons as well. Balance and flexibility. I’ve been wanting to beat myself up for not having as much of a desire to workout all the time, but I’m just sitting with it for now. My therapist reminded me today that maybe I was overdoing it before. I ran my fastest mile on Saturday after not working out a ton. Maybe I don’t need to work out every single day to be fit. I’m still rolling this around in my head.

Not logging every bite has been refreshing but scary. I actually eat less. I eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full. When I was logging food, I was trying so hard to get a certain amount of protein and fiber that I would overeat. I randomly log my food just to see (maybe once a week), and I eat less calories over the course of the day. Even if I didn’t, it would be okay, too. My worth isn’t tied up into what I eat or don’t eat. Whether I lose or gain weight. Or any of that.

I’m starting to realize that maybe who I am now is enough. As I’ve mentioned a lot, I’m always trying to fix or solve things that are “wrong” with me. Maybe learning to “just be” could be a new kind of growth. I’m working on it. I have this realization off and on, but each time, it gets a little deeper if that makes sense. Maybe eventually I will not strive for perfection.

I am passionate. I heal out loud. I love growing closer to and worshiping Jesus. I love helping others. I try to love well and have compassion. I talk a lot, even to strangers. I hyperfocus and change interests a lot. I’m up and down. Some days I’m super active, and some days I feel a bit paralyzed and exhausted. I need sunshine. It makes a difference on my mood. I also love cold, snowy days. It brings slowness and comfort. I love to bake and cook. I love that fall and winter are my baking and cooking seasons. Sometimes I’m just anxious. I don’t always have a reason. I’m slowly learning to accept it. When I do, it goes away faster. A friend once told me, “what you resist persists.” Acceptance is huge.

I really love my little life. It’s simple and sweet. The little things are big things. I’m peaceful and content most days.

Raising teenagers has been a wild ride. Just when things feel like they are settling, something else comes up. But we are figuring it out together. My kids have all grown so much (the boys have physically grown a ton… I think they will both be 6’ soon! They are also maturing). Ethan has so much support and is learning to work hard for what he wants. It takes a ton of effort, but having a team of people at his school who want him to succeed has been amazing. I’m working on getting Levi to work harder in his homeschool which can be hard (I think he thought homeschooling again would mean less work), but I’ve really been enjoying spending time with him, one-on-one. Karis is doing so well in college. Better than I did. Better than I thought she would. She has also grown and matured quite a bit! I am learning how to be accepting of my kids while still having expectations which is challenging, but I’m getting there.

When I feel anxious, I focus on the scripture that I keep sharing: Philippians 4:4-9. “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.  Let your reasonableness (the CSB version says graciousness) be known to everyone.  The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers (and sisters), whatever is true, whatever is just (honorable-CSB), whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about (dwell on- CSB) these things.  What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me-practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” 

I literally start listing the things I’m grateful for and focus on all the good that God has done and continues to do in my life. Then I remind myself that I’m okay. There’s nothing to be afraid of. I focus on surrender and acceptance. God reminds me that He has me, and He has my family. His faithfulness in my life has been beyond anything I could have ever asked for imagined. Even in the moments when things don’t make sense, He redeems those situations. Growth happens. Each time, more peace comes. I start to see things more clearly. God provides in new ways.