Always Trying to Fix, Solve, and Find Cause and Solution

I have been doing some processing the past few days. I have been having more anxiety lately, and I have been trying to control it. I honestly thought quitting sodas and social media would take care of it. But nothing has changed. In fact, I think I’m feeling more anxious because of trying to be perfect and control things that aren’t necessarily things I need to control. I was attempting perfection again. I was doing the all-or-nothing thing again. My brain does that. It wants to be in control, it wants perfection, and it is always wanting to fix or solve everything. It wants to have a reason and solution.

I remembered this past week that control doesn’t work.

My therapist has been trying to help me learn flexibility and balance. I am getting there, but I realized this past week of trying to completely abstain from things because I thought they were the reason for my anxiety, that my current anxiety is more just my brain and the way it is. The first few days were pretty amazing as far as feeling some freedom, but it didn’t last long. Over the past couple of days, I have actually felt more bondage.

I’m approaching my “hard season,” and of course, I always try to control it. While it’s okay to try to fight it using healthy coping mechanisms, I cannot stop it. I cannot fix it. I cannot change it. My brain is what it is.

I have shared about my complicated mental health many times over the years. Some days, having a brain that is anxious and depressed a lot of seasons is hard to manage. I hate it.

I have learned that it’s okay to change my mind.

The late fall and winter months are super bitter-sweet for me. I enjoy the coziness of them. I called this season, “Hygge Season.” I enjoy holidays and all that comes with them. I enjoy twinkling lights and good-smelling candles. I love bundling up. I love that I tend to rest more. I love baking, and I always do that more in fall and winter. Life tends to slow down in a lot of ways. The music I listen to in these seasons is more peaceful. I have fond memories of this time of year from years past.

But.

There is less sunlight. A lot less. And the clock is about to be set back an hour. Sunset will be before 5:00 here. The trauma of the few days after Thanksgiving hit. You would think after 15 years, it wouldn’t bother me anymore. I think because it took me a long time to even process what happened, and honestly, sometimes the effects of trauma and PTSD stay with a person forever. I am also just naturally less active and outside less.

Being off of social media has been hard for me because I tend to feel a lot more isolated. I also really love sharing about things in my life, and I’m learning that that’s okay.

I really hate that I’m so back-and-forth about things. I hate that I change my mind a lot. I hate that I am so extreme with things. I wish I could just “be.” I wish that I wasn’t always trying to find a cause and solution to my struggles.

I’m going to tiptoe my way back into social media a bit. My goal is to try to have more balance with it. We will see. I want to have boundaries with things that have good things to them but can have negative effects as well. Boundaries and balance are super important.

I’ve also been back-and-forth with ADHD medication. I have been trying to determine which one causes the least anxiety which means my body hasn’t been able to get used to either. My NP started me on a new medication, and while it was awesome at first, I started feeling more anxiety. So, I stopped that one and went back to my old one and found out that I still had anxiety. Again, trying to fix things. I decided to stick with the medication that my NP most recently prescribed for me. I see her on Friday, so I’m going to talk that out with her. Maybe she just needs to lower the morning dose again. There are always options. AND, my anxiety and ADHD will never be totally controlled.

I don’t have the answers. Each day is new with new joys and new challenges. We are parenting teenagers which is a whole thing. There are some things that are getting better, but then there are new things that we have to learn how to navigate. Each one of our kids has their own mental health struggles and differences in addition to my own struggles. We are also looking into the possibility of me working part time somewhere outside of camp since my hours are slowing down a lot at camp. There’s just a lot. We are doing okay financially, but life is just super expensive. On paper, we have enough, but things always come up.

Anyway… this is a bit scattered and not tied together with a pretty bow, but I think that’s just life.

I guess I’ll end with the constant realization that healing isn’t linear.