Living a Life of Peace

These past few days have been PACKED with wisdom from God and just good things. I want to tell about it all, so this will be long. I apologize in advance, but I feel like most of it fits together!

How to Live a Life of Peace

God’s wisdom is so clear in the words of Paul in Philippians 4. I have read this passage a million times. I have most of it memorized, but for some reason, I just overlooked the words that I made bold below.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness (the CSB version says graciousness) be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers (and sisters), whatever is true, whatever is just (honorable-CSB), whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about (dwell on- CSB) these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me-practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

Philippians 4:4-9

Honestly… this seems so simplistic. I’m NOT saying that all of this will just magically make your anxiety go away. I am very aware that anxiety disorders are a beast. I’ve struggled my whole life! But what I’m saying is that practicing these things will bring peace. Even if for just a moment. Some relief is better than none.

What does this look like practically? Well, praise God even in the hard days. Focus on gratitude and thankfulness. Ask God for what you need and be grateful that He provides however He chooses to. Instead of focusing on what you’re anxious about, focus on things that are TRUE, JUST (honorable), PURE, LOVELY, and COMMENDABLE (praiseworthy). Focus on the beauty that God has placed in your life and be grateful. Flip-the-script in your own brain, heart, and soul!

8 Years of Sobriety

Trigger Warning: details of suicide.

I’m sharing the first three paragraphs of the memoir that I’d like to finish one day. This is just a draft, so it’s not perfect. But I feel like it is such a clear understanding of where I’ve been. Praise God I’m not that person anymore.

Last night, 8 years ago, I was drunk (as usual) and had a panic attack. I was at my parents’ house, and Robert was out of town for work. I proceeded to vomit (as usual) before I passed out.

I woke up the next morning (8 years ago today) so incredibly tired of the shame that I felt every single day when I woke up. I finally decided it was time. It was time to put myself in rehab.

I had tried to quit drinking on my own for years because “I’m not an alcoholic” was a common thing to come out of my mouth. I thought I could cut back or quit on my own. How often do you see a homeschooling Christian mama go to rehab? Probably more often than you think. Addiction isn’t picky. I realize now how arrogant I was to think I was good or better because of being a Christian homeschooling mama… and somehow that made me different than anyone else in rehab. It didn’t. Addiction is a beast!

I wish I could say that going to rehab and getting sober cured all of my problems. Nope. It just made me feel. I didn’t want to feel because it hurt. When I got sober, all the anxiety that I had hit me like a ton of bricks and wouldn’t let up for years and years. I mean, I still struggle. But not to the extent that I did.

For years I would try everything to feel well. I would go through 4 years of a cough to find out it was from anxiety (it’s a tic syndrome that comes out when I’m anxious). I would have months of hyperventilation syndrome in which I couldn’t ever take a deep breath 24/7. It’s hell. I would be misdiagnosed and put on 12 medications at once that made it hard to function. But then I would start to find healing through many different things. The biggest was finally letting go of some semblance of control and having a more intimate relationship with Jesus. But also the right diagnoses, the right medications (and a lot less!), constant therapy, Ketamine treatments, and LOTS of work.

I still have hard days. But they are nothing like they used to be, and for that, I am more grateful than I could ever put into words. Praise Jesus for His redemption.

Health Anxiety and Control

I’ve been talking about this a lot in the past few posts, but one thing that I’m feeling burned out from is so much focus on nutrition and movement. It’s especially discouraging to find out that my cholesterol has gone up despite all of my work. Yesterday I talked with a doctor, and he calmed my worries. He said that as a doctor, he doesn’t treat numbers, he treats the whole person. My risk of heart disease is actually very low despite the higher cholesterol numbers because of other factors: I’m at a healthy weight/decent body fat percentage, I’m super active (10,000+ steps on average per day plus my workouts), my blood pressure is always perfect, my resting heart rate is low, my HDL (good cholesterol) is amazing (which kind of offsets the LDL), and I eat healthy and balanced. He believes that how active I am says so much more about my long-term health than my cholesterol numbers (which are high because of genetics). He doesn’t think I need medication at this point. He said to just check it again in a year and see how it is. He suggested maybe eating more plant-based if that feels like something I can do, but basically it’s not an emergency.

I also realized this was another area I was trying to control. All I can do is what I’m already doing and just rest and trust God with my life. I cannot be perfect with nutrition, ever. No one can control everything about our health. Long-term health isn’t guaranteed. My focus is on feeling well today. And hopefully feeling well long-term. Rest. Trust. Peace.

So. My plan is to just keep doing what I’m doing. Focus on exercise and eating in a way that makes me feel good and fuels my movement. I’ll switch out to some animal-based foods with plant-based. I might log some days, but I will not log every bite that I put in my mouth. I just want to be mindful. If I allow myself the freedom to log sometimes, that feels more flexible and balanced!

More Peace Than Ever Before

Being constantly reminded that fear is the root of anxiety, and anxiety causes me to try to control things is actually very helpful. Trying to control things causes chaos.

I take deep breaths. I constantly tell God that I trust Him even when I’m not so sure that I do. I listen to soft music, light candles, get outside, move my body in ways that feel good, eat foods that feel good, get in the kitchen, watch my comfort show (Gilmore Girls), allow myself some yummy coffee, take more deep breaths, spend time with people that I love, pour into others, and constantly think over my priorities. I expect myself to get less done but focus on quality.

This fall has been SO much better than any falls that I’ve experienced the past 15 years. I’m not saying it will always be that way. I have to live one day at a time. But I notice even when I’m “struggling,” there’s a deep peace, joy, and hope that I’ve never consistently experienced… especially in the fall. I feel like God is speaking wisdom, love, grace, and mercy over me even in the midst of those hard days. It’s something I really can’t put into words.

Living a Life of Gratitude

Things will never be perfect. Life is hard. There are things that I wish were different. But. I am learning to live a life of gratitude even in the things that are hard because they have been so much harder in the past. God continues to provide in new ways, and He gives me peace and joy even when I don’t understand.

What I’m working on is taking the things that I worry about and flipping the script so-to-speak. Look at the thing that is causing anxiety and then remind myself where we were and how far God has brought us.

Finances are always tight. I think that’s the case for everyone right now! Some days this brings anxiety and worry about our future. But. Our needs are met probably better than ever before, AND God is teaching us how to manage our money better. We still have a long way to go, but we have come so far. We actually have an emergency fund that we haven’t had to touch. We don’t have to be on food stamps anymore. Our insurance is amazing and covers our needs better than ever before. Our cars are paid for. We have plenty of food, clothing, and anything else that we could ever need (and even some things that we want!). We always have money for gas (and now that everything is close, we don’t have to get gas as often). We are working on paying down our debt slowly. I don’t HAVE to work which is a huge blessing since working is hard on my mental health. I love the option to work part time! It’s honestly a dream! We are able to travel a bit to do some outdoor adventure. We have to be intentional and budget for it, but it’s possible! Thankfully, outdoor adventure opportunities surround us now that we live in Colorado!

Our whole family has mental health struggles. This can make some days really hard. But. God has provided an amazing psychiatric nurse practitioner who takes care of our med management AND therapy! The boys and I all see her. I do therapy with her weekly. A full one-hour session is only $10! Our medications are also all cheap! Our insurance is so good. Our NP is so knowledgeable and listens better than any of the NPs/PAs/Psychiatrists that I’ve ever had. Living where we do now has provided so many more resources and options than we’ve ever had, honestly. I feel like Ethan and I both have accurate diagnoses and our meds are working well for us. We are still working on some things for Levi, but we are getting there.

The kids have had some struggles with adjusting to a new state. But. Ethan is doing better in school than he ever has thanks to SO much support. Because of this support, he feels like he is smart and capable. His future is so bright. Levi is doing well now that he is being homeschooled again. I’m honestly really loving how our relationship is growing. Karis has struggled a bit with adjusting to college life, but she is actually doing SO much better than I anticipated. She is in a good routine, has an amazing room mate, is starting to make friends in some of her classes, and is growing up. I’m so grateful for God’s provision for all of my kids.

Some days I feel like consistency in nutrition and movement is so hard. But. I have also come SO far with this. I am imperfectly consistent. I know how to eat well. I know how to move my body consistently, and my body craves it. I have “off” days, but I no longer self-sabotage when those days come. I just pick right back up where I left off. This is a continual learning opportunity/process. I’m just grateful that I am as healthy as I am after struggling so long. I honestly think finally treating my ADHD has been a huge reason for this, but also just doing well mentally overall has helped.

These are just a few examples of how I’m trying to work through my worries and anxiety about circumstances and living a life of gratitude. It’s a daily practice!

Despite continual struggles, I’m honestly living my dream life. Some days I lose sight of that, but God reminds me.

Just Some Beautiful Picture from Life Lately

A beautiful drive through Pike National Forest (on Monday).

I went on a beautiful 5 mile ruck on Thursday on a local trail (it’s less than 10 minutes away). This will be my new favorite go-to spot! I plan to go there again this afternoon.