I’ve had a lot on my mind. I’m going to share a bit of it, but I’m still processing some things.
Jesus and I had a good talk this morning.
I shared with him how I’m burned out from trying to control things all the time. I shared with Him about what I’ve been trying to control (as if He doesn’t already know… but sometimes confession is freeing). I shared with Him how I feel like those things benefited me in some ways, but now I’m feeling burned out. I also feel like it affects my close relationships (specifically with my family).
I asked Him to help me understand why I feel like I need to control things. He told me that it’s because of fear. Ouch.
But isn’t that the root of anxiety?
Living in fear has caused bondage. Living in fear makes it clear that I don’t trust God to take care of things. Living in fear makes it clear that I don’t trust myself to choose well or to take care of myself and my family. Living in fear makes it clear that I feel the need to control my kids’ lives. None of this ever goes well long-term.
I notice that even when things are good (they are so good right now), I always walk around with some impending sense of doom. Because of this, I feel like I have to control things… if I don’t, everything might fall apart.
I’m always trying to “fix” situations (like, 24/7), and I think deep down I think if I do this or that, everything will be good. If I can just get through ________________ and figure out __________________, everything will be amazing and perfect.
As anyone knows, this isn’t true. Life is life. Nothing will ever be perfect. Even when things seem great for the moment, something will come up. Even when things are “right,” there will be hiccups. It’s just the way life goes.
A friend of mine told me something recently that has stood out: “We are either about to be in a trial, are in a trial, or just coming out of a trial.” That has stuck with me because I tend to think, “if I can just get through this, things will be smooth-sailing” kind of thing. And then I struggle with something new and think the same thing. I’m learning to truly take one day at a time and to try to find joy in the little things and in the relationships that God has allowed me to have. This world is not our home.
This was part of my devotional/Bible study the other day, and it was so relatable.
Through life experiences, I’m learning to “never say never” and to truly take one day at a time.
As I mentioned above, there are some things that I have been trying to control that are just making me feel burned out.
One of those is nutrition and movement. I have been tracking my food for the majority of this year. I have lost weight/inches/gone down sizes. But I’m tired. I’m tired of every bite going into my mouth needing to be assigned numbers. I’m tired of food being a focus every single moment of every single day. I’m tired of thinking of food as calories, protein, carbs, and fat. I’m tired of living in fear that I won’t be able to bring my cholesterol down. I’m tired of not being able to enjoy food. I’m just tired. I have such a fear of gaining the weight back. I put SO much work into it that it feels like I would be going backwards. But I cannot diet for the rest of my life. If the “worst” happens, and I gain weight back, would that be so terrible? I would prefer for that to not happen, but I just can’t continue living this way anymore.
In addition, I was told by my physical therapist last week that I need to avoid movements that hurt my knee for the time being so that the tissue can heal and I can strengthen my hip and knee. I’ve never had restrictions on my movement before, so it has sort of messed with my head. I’m trying to figure out how to navigate this without just giving up. There is still SO much I can do.
I talked with my counselor about all of this yesterday. She suggested maybe trying to track a few things so that I could wean myself off of it, but I’m not sure that I want to.
I will still track my movement on my Garmin (distance, etc), but I’m backing off of tracking my nutrition in any way. I’m going to try to weigh myself less… like maybe once a week. This is hard for me as I currently weigh myself at least once per day.
My goal for nutrition is to eat balanced meals! I will not stress about amounts or perfection with this. I’m just focusing on nurturing my body and brain. I want to listen to my hunger and fullness cues and what feels good.
My goal/plan for movement is to ruck (walking with a light-weighted backpack), yoga, and upper body strength training.
Another thing is that I am always trying to control the boys’ decisions, behavior, and on and on. I tried to control Levi’s struggle to make friends here by putting him in school. That didn’t go well. I try to control Ethan into making better choices. When they make choices that aren’t the greatest, they seem to be isolating, they are struggling with their mental health, etc, I feel afraid and tighten up the desire to control. I know that’s not the healthiest way to manage this, and I’m working on it. I had a good talk with Ethan this morning about it, and I plan to address this with Levi as well. The big thing that I talked to Ethan about was the fear that I have about his future and that’s the reason I tighten my grip so much. He understood, said that he feels the same way, and we talked that out. It’s all out of a desire to do what’s best for them, but I have to learn to trust God and trust that they will grow out of any poor decisions that they make. They will soon be adults, and if they can’t learn to make their own decisions, it’ll just get worse as they are adults.
Surrender, letting go, and simplifying have been major themes for me lately.
I’m also learning that every day doesn’t have to be amazing (that doesn’t mean it’s a bad day), I don’t have to learn a lesson through everything, it’s okay to “just be” sometimes (we are human beings, not human doings), that rest is so important for the body and soul, that I can change my mind, that deciding to do something today doesn’t mean it’s forever, that I can’t “screw my kids up” because God has them in the palm of His hand, that loving well and building relationships is more important than anything else, and that my constantly nagging inner-critic doesn’t get to have the last word. Remembering who I am and Whose I am constantly has been life-changing. To remember that my purpose on this earth is to “Know Him and Make Him Known” reminds me that at the end of the day, a lot of things that feel big, aren’t, really.
simplycourtney.org 