Who Am I, To Deny, What the Lord Can Do?

I did something very unexpected yesterday. At this point, I truly don’t know what’s going to come from it. But, I took a huge step of faith, and I’m feeling at peace with that step.

Sunday night, the boys had a student ministry event at church.

It was super fun. They did an outdoor movie, had yard games, and had some pizza and candy. They really enjoyed themselves!

While they were there, I went to Starbucks to write my previous blog, then I walked on the trail by the church. I’ll share some beautiful pictures in a bit.

On our way home, I told the boys that I noticed a position was still available at the church. The position is a student ministry admin assistant. I kind of considered it about a month ago, but I dismissed it right away because it’s full time.

When I brought it up on Sunday on our way home, I was surprised that the boys were passionately encouraging me to apply for it. I told them that I just wasn’t sure if I could handle it because it’s full time. One of them (surprisingly) kept pushing, saying that I’m no longer homeschooling, so it should be fine.

I realized in that moment that I was really interested in the position, but I keep telling myself that I CAN’T work full time. I have had some rough experiences trying to do so.

Then I decided to process through that thought. I struggled working full time… as a TEACHER. Teaching is very stressful for anyone… let alone someone who struggles. Maybe full time didn’t work because it wasn’t the RIGHT job for me. People who have mental health struggles work full time all the time… because most people don’t have a choice. I also realized that the reason I struggled with working rec is because it doesn’t feel right for me. I like working rec some, but it’s just hard. It’s also almost over. After September, I’ll only be working less than once per week. I need something. I cannot imagine just having nothing to do 24/7 (there’s only so much cleaning, working out, etc that I can do). I feel like sometimes being home all the time is worse than working and being busy.

I talked to God about it. I shared my concerns. I talked to friends who know me well. I was expected to be talked out of it by everyone, but instead, most of my friends thought that this might be a perfect job for me.

I decided to go for it. Yesterday I worked on my resume and filled out the online application. With-in a few hours, they emailed me and said they received my application and resume, and they would be getting back with me.

I really don’t know what will happen. As I’ve said, SURRENDER has been a big theme for me lately, and I just felt God telling me to surrender this to Him as well. To trust Him, and to stop trying to control it. They may not even decide to interview me. That’s okay. The whole point of this was to take a step of faith, surrender, and trust. And to stop speaking lies to myself.

I wrote this on Facebook last night, and I thought I’d share:

Those difficult weeks and months feel super hard sometimes. But gosh. They are so good as well. They help me dig deep, process, learn more about who I am, draw me closer to Jesus, and remind me that I am to surrender to His will. Trying to control things never works out. And He always surprises me. I’m also learning to never say never. God’s plan is always so much better than my own.

I’ve gone through some hard but transforming months lately. The word surrender has come up again and again. And a few phrases such as He made me (and all of us) ON purpose, FOR a purpose. My mission in life is to Know Him and Make Him Known. However He sees fit. Suffering and struggle will either draw you closer to Jesus or push you further away. It’s our choice how that will go. I spent several years angry and running away from Him. But that didn’t go well. My relationship with Him is so much deeper than ever before. I trust Him. Sometimes things don’t make sense. I trust Him to make beauty from ashes.

Sometimes my anxiety lies to me and tells me that I have nothing to offer, I can’t do this or that, or that I’m a burden to others. (After applying for the position, my brain was truly bullying me…)

But my friends and family are constantly speaking Truth into me, and God’s Word does as well.

I know I say this a lot, but there are many times that I forget how far I’ve come. The mistakes that I’ve made in the past, the years of struggle, etc have all taught me so much. I have more wisdom. I can be there for others in ways I wouldn’t have been able to without these struggles. I have to rely on Jesus. I’m grateful.

Oh. I’m also learning that I’m not alone. A lot of things I struggle with are things that my friends struggle with as well. Life is hard. But truly, God is good. I pray that He is glorified through me.

Alright… now for those pictures! It’s almost fall here in Colorado, and it’s showing up! It was a beautiful walk.

I also took this selfie, and I really like it!

I came across these pictures yesterday (they were in my Google photos memories). It’s always shocking to see old pictures of myself! These were taken not long after I got sober in 2016. This was the start of the weight gain. I went on to gain more weight.

I don’t share these to focus on the weight, but to share that I went through years of suffering because after I got sober, I turned to food to cope. I was struggling SO much with my mental health and could no longer cope by numbing. It took a lot of years to get where I am now, but I’m so grateful. I am so much healthier at 42 than I ever was in my 30s (or ever, really!). I feel like I’m a whole new person!

I know I share songs a lot, but it’s a huge way that God speaks to me. I’ve been playing this song over and over again lately. It’s such a huge thing for me because I spent so many years just believing that “this is just my life.” I walked around with a victim mindset. It’s a really bad place to be. God is “more than able” to make major changes in my life. I believe that because I’ve seen it play out this year more than ever before!

The song is kind of long, but a lot of the lyrics are repeated. I’m going to make the lyrics that really speak to me bold!

When did I start to forget
All of the great things You did?
When did I throw away faith for the impossible?
How did I start to believe
You weren’t sufficient for me?
Why do I talk myself out of seeing miracles?

You are more than able
You are more than able
(You are, You are) You are more than able (yeah)
(We’ve seen it) You are more than able
Who am I to deny what the Lord can do?
It’s easy for You, oh

And now I see all that I have
Oh, I’ve got my confidence back
I put my trust in the One who still does miracles
You do miracles (come on, sing)

You are more than able (hey, oh)
(Hey) You are more than able
(We know, we know it) You are more than able
(We’ve seen it, we’ve seen it)
(We’ve seen it, we’ve seen it)
You are more than able
Who am I to deny what the Lord can do?

Can you imagine
With all of the faith in the room
What the Lord can do?
What the Lord can do?
And it’s gonna happen
Just let the Waymaker through
He’s gonna move
He’s gonna move

And can you imagine
With all of the faith in the room
What the Lord can do?
What the Lord can do?
And it’s gonna happen
Just let the Waymaker through
He’s gonna move
Yes, He’s gonna move

And can you imagine
With all of the faith in the room
What the Lord can do?
What the Lord can do?
And it’s gonna happen
Just let the Waymaker through
He’s gonna move (He’s gonna move)
He’s gonna move

Anything is possible
(Sing it out)
Anything is possible
(I know)
Anything is possible
(C’mon)
Who am I to deny what the Lord can do?

Anything is possible
(We’ve seen it)
Anything is possible
(So we believe it)
Anything is possible
(Hey)
Who am I to deny what the Lord can do?

Anything is possible
(Anything)
Anything is possible
(Who am I?)
(Who am I to deny what the Lord can do?) say, “Who am I?”
Who am I to deny what the Lord can do? (Who am I?)
Who am I to deny what the Lord can do?

He still can do it
Still can do it
He’s not run out of time, yeah, He still can do it

You are more than able
You are more than able
You are more than able
(Oh) You are more than able
Who am I to deny what the Lord can do?

I’ve come a long way (c’mon)
I’ve seen how You work
There’s so much goodness and grace, ha-ha
Much more than I deserve
‘Cause I know who l am
And I can’t stay where I’m at, oh
We’ve come this far by faith, oh, yes we have
And I just can’t turn back
‘Cause He’s not done with me yet
He’s not done with me yet, hey

There’s so much more to the story (hey)
You’re not done with me yet
You’re not done with me yet (yes)
You’re not done with me yet (no-no)
There’s so much more to the story (c’mon)
You’re not done with me yet (say)
You’re not done with me yet (after this there will be glory)

There’s so much more to the story (after this there will be glory), you’re not done
You’re not done with me yet
Who am I to deny what the Lord can do?
Who am I to deny what the Lord can do?

God is more than able
(Hey)
God is more than able
God is (more than able)
Don’t stop believing right now
Don’t quit believin’ right now
God is more than able
Who am I (to deny what the Lord can do?)
He still can do it
Who am I to deny (what the Lord can do?)

Just ’cause I haven’t seen it in my lifetime
That doesn’t mean He can’t do it
Who am I to deny what the Lord (can do?)
Just ’cause it’s not on my resume
Or just ’cause I don’t have it, doesn’t mean He can’t do it
Oh, who am I to deny (what the Lord can do?)

He can still do miracles with nothing
All it takes is nothing
All it takes is nothing
He can do a miracle
Who am I to deny what the Lord can do?
He can do it, he can do it
(He can do it)
(He is able)