Today was such a life-giving day! It was just what I needed.
It started with some quality time with Jesus and time with the boys before they went to school. I made homemade whole wheat pumpkin banana muffins for the boys and me. So good!
I had therapy at 10:00, and it was incredibly helpful.
We talked about how my mental health struggles are truly hard to get a pinned down diagnosis in some ways because there are so many things that have similar symptoms and things that overlap. So instead of focusing on an actual diagnosis/label, for now we are going to just focus on my patterns/cycles/seasons. It still seems like I’m depressed about 70-80% of the year (mild-moderate at this point), I definitely have seasonal cycles, and my ADHD and PTSD sometimes throws this off. Since I’m seeing her weekly now, it helps. She’s getting a better picture of things.
We decided to increase my ADHD meds back to the dose that I was taking before we decreased the dose in the summer. I personally feel like that could help. We will see! She gave me two weeks’ worth just to test it out. If we have to go back down, we can.
At this point, my cycles/season are becoming super clear to both of us. I feel great about March through about May. During the summer, my anxiety increases (which is why we decreased my ADHD med dose). She said that makes sense with there being longer days, etc. In the fall, my lows start again. Sometimes this doesn’t start till September or October, but sometimes it starts earlier… depending on what’s going on in my life.
I have good days in the fall, but my mood is overall just lower. I love holidays, so that helps… it’s what keeps me moving. By January, I’m hitting my lowest. January and February are usually my hardest months. Then March comes around, and I’m back to a better mood again.
This is based on a lot of “research” that I’ve done through old journal entries, blog posts, and social media memories. And also just remembering how things usually go for me. It has been enough years of a similar pattern that it’s becoming SO clear.
This can totally be Bipolar 2 with seasonal cycles, BUT she’s still not completely convinced that I have Bipolar 2. Again, her main focus on the moment is just helping me through my low season as it’s coming up. She really feels like I don’t necessarily have hypomania but just have months when I’m not depressed. We are “keeping an eye on it” and will continue to address this moving forward. I am on a medication that is often used for bipolar (and can be used to depression), so we feel okay with that for the moment.
She still has a medication that she can add for the seasonal depression if/when I need. She didn’t want to add anything else today since she increased my ADHD medication.
One of the biggest things that helped me today is to be reminded that I am SO far from where I used to be. When I’m in the midst of my struggle, it’s hard to see that. But goodness. I used to either be drinking or sleeping. I wasn’t present at all with my family, and I was miserable ALL the time. I was also taking too many Xanax in addition (which is so scary now that I look back!). Every night, I went to bed with the room spinning. I couldn’t sleep well because of that. I slept on the couch a lot. I vomited a lot of nights. I was always looking for my next drink. I wanted to just numb myself 24/7.
My depression used to be a lot deeper and worse. I was suicidal more often. Again, I just wanted to sleep or drink all the time.
And even after I got sober, I was still miserable. I was severely anxious 24/7 and couldn’t function because of that. I was a mess.
I’ve come a long way.
Through all of this, I have learned what I can and can’t handle. I’ve learned to give myself a lot more grace. I’ve learned that because there are good and bad seasons, good seasons always come. Despite still having depression, I am able to function a lot better even in those seasons. Medication has helped a ton. Therapy has helped a ton. Getting healthy has helped a ton. Being more financially stable has helped a ton because I don’t HAVE to work. I can truly just focus on taking care of myself in those harder seasons. That’s basically my full time job.
The lows are still hard. Sometimes I forget that I HAVE come so far because it’s hard to see the good things in the midst. But it doesn’t take long to remember. I cannot believe that I am who I am now. I never saw this coming.
I have thought about having a booster Ketamine treatment, but I’ll be honest, with what I’ve been seeing in the news about it lately (and through some more recent research that I’ve done), I’m kind of nervous about continuing that treatment. The treatment for depression is off-label, and it’s so new that we don’t have long-term research on it. I’m not even 100% sure if that’s what has helped me, or if it has been a lot of other things (that I mentioned above). We will see.
After my therapy session, I had lunch, then spent some time working on my Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for PTSD. I’m LOVING this book. I’ll share some more later, but I feel like it’s exactly what I struggle with. One of the things about PTSD is that it makes a person feel super off-balance which makes total sense. The purpose of this workbook is to help you build skills to be able to bring to extremes into balance.
Here’s a picture of just the first page of the introduction. It’s me in black and white print.
Stuff like this is what makes mental illness hard to diagnosis. You can say that these are symptoms for PTSD, ADHD, and Bipolar 2. It’s hard. But, we will just continue putting one foot in front of the other. No one is ever a “text book case” when it comes to mental illness. The person has to be treated as a whole.
For me, medication, therapy, movement, time with Jesus, being in nature, rest, gentle days, writing, and the little things that bring me joy are all necessary for my health. It’s never just one thing. That’s the case for all things, really. People are complicated and messy. Life is complicated and messy.
Anyway.
I had coffee with my friend after this, and it was so sweet! It honestly put me in such a good mood to spend time with her. I have continued that mood into the evening.
The boys and I are going to have grilled burgers, then I’m going to workout! It has been a WHILE. I created a new weekly plan based on some sample schedules that Street Parking created. I am using the Endurance-focused one with a little strength added in. I also moved it around a bit. I feel good about this, and it doesn’t feel too out of reach for me to be able to continue this moving forward. It’s structured, but it’s not too much. I also updated my “Forever Moderate” plan. I’ve decided that I’m okay with logging my food. It helps me stay on track… mainly making sure I’m getting enough protein and fiber and not over-eating. I am not trying to lose weight anymore, but I also want to just keep an eye on things. I like the structure as well. It has been working well all year!
Learning to live with-in the limits that I have are actually giving me more freedom. I’m feeling the freedom to advocate for myself. The freedom to be who I am. The freedom to focus on what I need. The freedom to love myself better and give myself grace. Everyone has limits. It’s important to lean into those!
simplycourtney.org 