This week has been hard.
Sunday, I was so depressed. I had physical exhaustion from it. I took a hike with Robert thinking that it would help, but instead, I got more exhausted. I worked that afternoon, and it took every ounce of energy to do that. I made it through with God’s Grace.
Something hard and crazy happened overnight that night (can’t really go into that), but somehow Monday I did okay. I just asked God for his strength and energy. I was able to get my house cleaned which helped a ton. I did some intentional movement (that wasn’t super intense- a 10 minute run and 3 mile walk with Robert and Loki). I also worked on getting prepped for Robert to be out of town for a week. Tuesday, I worked in the morning, and it felt manageable. Then I got a call from Robert that night that his truck had broken down. He was over 3 hours away from me (on his way to Utah to guide a canyoneering trip). I couldn’t go that night, so he sat in his truck until I could get there. He just needed me to take a truck part to him. It took 4 1/2 hours yesterday for me to get to him between having to pick up the part, traffic, construction, rain, and stupid drivers. I did some processing through video which was helpful. I had planned to blog yesterday which is a huge way for me to process, but that wasn’t possible. I actually found it really helpful to do the video processing. I might do that more often.
I felt unsafe the whole time. When I’m struggling with my mental health, sometimes my intrusive thoughts take over. I was so afraid of wrecking and dying (especially because of the stupid drivers) the whole time I drove which made the drive even more exhausting. My brain sometimes goes THERE and won’t leave that space no matter how hard I try. I was thinking about how my family would feel, how they would manage, etc if I were to die. I can literally imagine how my husband and kids would react. It’s terrible. It felt so dark. After losing my brother the way I did, I KNOW that anything can happen. I don’t have the luxury of thinking that tragedy only happens to other people. Sometimes darkness in my brain is hard to escape.
I just want to share a few things that I have been processing through.
One thing is that I realized yesterday that I was hoping my mental health would basically be “healed” once we moved. I mean, I logically knew that wouldn’t happen, but I think deep down, I was hoping that it was my circumstances. Now as I think about that, it’s almost comical that I would think that. I’ve been struggling for YEARS… no matter where we have lived.
Here, we have way more resources. Not being so far from everything has been a breath of fresh air. I have felt like we have less limits. My new nurse practitioner has been life-changing for me (as I’ve written). We are more financially stable. We have an amazing church that we can actually be involved with (I’m going to start serving with student ministry this Sunday!). The environment at this camp is mostly healthy (there are issues here and there… because people… but it’s so much better). I really think the main reasons for this are that the staff is much smaller, but also the director has been at many (unhealthy) camps, so he fights hard every day to make sure the environment is healthy! The boys also have an amazing school, 5 minutes away from our house now. My kiddo who struggles a lot has SO much support… more than he has ever experienced. It has still been a major adjustment, but he is getting there.
I have been missing our old camp a little more these days. We are sad that things couldn’t have worked out better there. We were there for a long time. I miss some of my friends. I miss the community events and traditions. Sometimes I get sad to be missing out (like this past weekend, they celebrated 25 years and had a big, fun weekend!). But, we just trust that God wanted us here!
I’m trying to let go of some resentments that I have towards people at our old camp because we are all human, just doing our best. I wasn’t always great with others as well. Yes, there are things that weren’t handled well there, a few people were awful to me (if I told you, you would be surprised), there was definitely an “in” crowd and those who didn’t belong, drama, they wouldn’t pay enough for our family to make it (they suggested that we get on food stamps…), and I didn’t feel super supported with my mental health struggles. I do think a lot of that was because of the size of the staff, the inability to get away with how far we lived from everything, and just people being people. I’m working on letting go. It’s a process.
I am also learning and realizing that people just don’t know what to do with people who struggle with their mental health in general. If you’ve never struggled with it, how would you understand? I do have some support here that I wish I had before, but some people don’t quite understand. It’s okay. I don’t always understand my brain either. Despite this, people try! I am often asked how I’m doing. Like, how I’m really doing. How’s my mental health? My boss has been so understanding and has reduced my workload a lot. I feel bad about this because I know he needs me, but it makes such a huge difference for me.
Another thing that I’m realizing is that despite how hard depression and anxiety are (really hard!), I actually learn what I need. I am forced to rest. I am forced to set boundaries. I am forced to focus on the things that truly matter. I am forced to let go of things that don’t have a place in my life. I listen less to the noise around me and focus on my own needs. I have to surrender. I think much more deeply, I hear from Jesus more clearly, and I am able to relate with and love on people better who struggle. I truly “get it.” People tell me their stories of darkness, and I understand more than most.
The most important thing is using this time for the good things that can come through it. I have learned over the years that I have to set immediate boundaries and limits for myself in these seasons so that I CAN use the hard things for good. Otherwise, I just continue spiraling and end up shutting down completely. This is how I’ve ended up inpatient in a mental hospital (and outpatient) in addition to developing alcoholism. I do not want to get to a place in which I feel the need to numb or escape.
Yesterday I was feeling pretty alone. I was struggling a lot. God reminded me that He is always there, even when others can’t be. Sometimes He allows us to be alone so that we will run right to Him instead of others. I’m not saying that He doesn’t give us others to go to, but He is who I need in those moments. I do believe that He has put certain people in my life at the right time to speak truth and life into me and to also be someone who relates and understands. I’m so grateful for that.
We have had SO much change this past year. And even more this past month. Transitions are hard. Change takes time to get used to… even if it’s good. I’m grieving a few things such as no longer homeschooling and not really being able to work full time. I miss some people. I miss some things about our “old” life even though I love life where we are now. Nothing is perfect. I just trust that God uses all of it for His glory and purpose.
If I’ve been reminded of anything these past few months, it’s that I cannot do things on my own. Nothing I eat or don’t eat, drink or don’t drink (well, except alcohol of course), do or don’t do will change how my brain will handle things. Sometimes trying harder actually makes it worse. I was trying to avoid what was feeling inevitable by doing 75 Hard. I thought it would help me be more “mentally tough” and avoid this season (I can’t tell you how many podcasts I listened to saying that it helped their mental health… but I’m starting to wonder if they actually had clinically diagnosed mental illnesses…). It just made things worse for me. Between that and working full time hours last week, I crashed. Sometimes what I need to do is just rest. Sit back. Fall into the arms of Jesus. Cease striving. Be still. Have some pumpkin spice coffee. Watch a comfort show. Eat pizza. Write. Read (though sometimes this feels too hard). Prayer journal. Read God’s Word. Worship. Simplify. Focus on what matters. Spend time on relationships. Love well. Serve others.
I say this a lot… but God created us ON purpose, FOR a purpose. Sometimes that doesn’t look how we think it will, but He will still use us and be glorified through us. He uses us however He sees fit… and for me, that may mean I don’t work full time. Ever. But He will still use me for His glory.
“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10
My mission and purpose in this life is to “Know God and Make Him Known” even in the midst of my deep struggle.
Depression and anxiety are LOUD. It’s like someone is screaming at me or like an alarm is going off in my ear. When I try to out work it by “doing,” they just get louder. When I set boundaries, prioritize rest, and prioritize time with Jesus, the loudness quiets down a bit. I must simplify to quiet that loudness.
I wrote this in July, and it’s still applicable.
Alarm
“There is an alarm
Inside my body
Inside my brain
I never know
When it will
Start screaming
When it screams
I can’t run
From it
As if running
Out of a building
That is on fire
I just sit
In the screaming room
Paralyzed
I feel as though
The alarm has some purpose
I don’t know what that is
I feel as though
I was just born
Defective
Just when I think
I am free from the screaming
I comes back
I used to drink all the time
To drown out the screaming
The screaming only got louder
The panic takes over
And the screaming
Drowns out the voices of those who love me
I just feel stuck
In a burning building with the alarm screaming
And I’m paralyzed”
I’m realizing that feeling paralyzed makes me cease striving and lean on the arms of Jesus.
This is an old hymn, but I LOVE how Jess Ray brings life to everything that she sings.
What a fellowship, what a joy divine
Leaning on the everlasting arms
What a blessedness, what a peace is mine
Leaning on the everlasting arms
Leaning, leaning
Safe and secure from all alarms
Leaning, leaning
Leaning on the everlasting arms
O how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way
Leaning on the everlasting arms
O how bright the path grows from day to day
Leaning on the everlasting arms
Leaning, leaning
Safe and secure from all alarms
Leaning, leaning
Leaning on the everlasting arms
What have I to dread, what have I to fear
Leaning on the everlasting arms?
I have blessed peace when my Lord is near
Leaning on the everlasting arms
Leaning, leaning
Safe and secure from all alarms
Leaning, leaning
Leaning on the everlasting arms
Oh I’m Leaning, leaning
Safe and secure from all alarms
Leaning, leaning
Leaning on the everlasting arms
Oh oh oh
Leaning on
Everlasting arms
I’m leaning on
Everlasting arms
Oh What have I to give
What have I to dread
What have I to fear
I have blessed peace
Leaning on the everlasting arms
I have blessed peace
While he is so near
simplycourtney.org 