I had an appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner/therapist today which was so helpful.
I’ve struggled off and on all summer. I will feel better, then the anxiety and depression will hit out of nowhere.
Life is so good right now. I feel like I’ve hit a “sweet spot” through the decisions that I’ve made for now and the long-term.
I am learning what is important to me, what I believe about things, and how to simplify.
I have been getting rid of all-the-things, getting things taken care of, and simplifying in many areas.
But the weight of depression and anxiety just follow me.
A Possible Updated Diagnosis
This week, I was telling Robert that I was wondering if maybe I actually DO have bipolar 2. My current NP and my last PA didn’t think that was the case.
I mentioned it to my NP today, and she said, “Well, I have actually been leaning towards a diagnosis of Cyclothymia.”
I actually just learned about this disorder recently, and it makes the most sense.
From the Mayo Clinic Link:
“Cyclothymia (sy-kloe-THIE-me-uh), also called cyclothymic disorder, is a rare mood disorder. Cyclothymia causes emotional ups and downs, but they’re not as extreme as those in bipolar I or II disorder.
With cyclothymia, you experience periods when your mood noticeably shifts up and down from your baseline. You may feel on top of the world for a time, followed by a low period when you feel somewhat down. Between these cyclothymic highs and lows, you may feel stable and fine.
Although the highs and lows of cyclothymia are less extreme than those of bipolar disorder, it’s critical to seek help managing these symptoms because they can interfere with your ability to function and increase your risk of bipolar I or II disorder.”
“Cyclothymia symptoms alternate between emotional highs and lows. The highs of cyclothymia include symptoms of an elevated mood (hypomanic symptoms). The lows consist of mild or moderate depressive symptoms.
Cyclothymia symptoms are similar to those of bipolar I or II disorder, but they’re less severe. When you have cyclothymia, you can typically function in your daily life, though not always well. The unpredictable nature of your mood shifts may significantly disrupt your life because you never know how you’re going to feel.”
“Hypomanic Symptoms
Signs and symptoms of the highs of cyclothymia may include:
- An exaggerated feeling of happiness or well-being (euphoria)
- Extreme optimism
- Inflated self-esteem
- Talking more than usual
- Poor judgment that can result in risky behavior or unwise choices
- Racing thoughts
- Irritable or agitated behavior
- Excessive physical activity
- Increased drive to perform or achieve goals (sexual, work related or social)
- Decreased need for sleep
- Tendency to be easily distracted
- Inability to concentrate
Depressive Symptoms
Signs and symptoms of the lows of cyclothymia may include:
- Feeling sad, hopeless or empty
- Tearfulness
- Irritability, especially in children and teenagers
- Loss of interest in activities once considered enjoyable
- Changes in weight
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
- Sleep problems
- Restlessness
- Fatigue or feeling slowed down
- Problems concentrating
- Thinking of death or suicide”
The thing is, I don’t have very extreme manic states, so bipolar doesn’t make a ton of sense. I’m also not really ever suicidal (I have had moments of passive suicidal ideations, but it was more because of the trauma that I was processing and only a couple of times.
I do have CONSTANT mood swings. I will feel great one minute, then the next I will feel severely anxious and depressed. It’s also more severe some seasons which brings in the aspect of the Seasonal Affective Disorder (which can overlap).
She said that the biggest thing is that it can bring awareness and help me learn how to manage and cope better. I don’t know if there will be any med changes at this point (I’m open to it), but it’s helpful to just know what’s going on. Just like receiving the ADHD diagnosis has helped me understand myself so much better… this will do the same.
Nutrition, Movement, and the Link to Mental Wellness
In addition to all of this, I’ve started noticing myself feeling a little out of control with my food and nutrition. I feel like, for the most part, I have a good consistency with movement. But. Yesterday I didn’t workout like I planned, and it hit me hard last night. I felt “guilty” and “lazy” for not getting my workout in. Instead, I took a bath and watched a show.
I can’t live my life feeling guilty when I don’t workout. It’s just not healthy.
I have also been eating all-the-things and drinking so much Coke Zero/Diet Coke.
I’m dehydrated, my digestion isn’t great, and I’m just exhausted.
This makes me feel guilty as well!
I have also realized that despite being at the weight that I wanted to get to, it’s just never enough. I don’t need to lose anymore weight, but I’m so afraid to gain weight back AND I’m still wishing I was smaller. When will it be enough?
It’s not healthy. And also, I’m having to remind myself that my health, habits, movement behaviors, etc do NOT determine my worth as a person.
I want to always make sure that the reason for my movement and nutrition are healthy and that I’m focusing mostly on nourishing myself and mental health. I want to make sure that I’m not allowing external factors to affect my mindset. It’s so easy to see where others are in their fitness, nutrition, body composition, and habits, and wish I was there as well. But we are ALL different. We all have different brains, bodies, jobs, thresholds, life experiences, current life situations, etc. I want to determine what I need and stick with and focus on that. It’s okay if I never have a six-pack. It’s okay if I am never a size 2. It’s okay if I don’t lose any more weight or even if I gain a few pounds. Health needs to always be my goal. Because when I lose sight of that, I start to tank. I have always gained back the weight that I’ve lost. I do not plan on that happening this time, but I am also just wanting to be mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually well.
My biggest focuses for now are:
- Consistent movement (simplified)
- Walking outside daily (I need to take my pup for more walks… he’s getting chunky hehe)
- Running 2-3 times per week (can be on my treadmill or outside)
- 2-3 Street Parking WODS (or strength, no equipment workouts, etc) per week
- Not focusing on training for anything specific right now
- Not expecting myself to do multiple workouts in a day
- Nutrition
- Eating fiber (fruits, veggies, whole grains, etc) and protein (though not super concerned with having a LOT of protein)
- Focus on mindfulness in my eating/drinking
- Reducing dairy because I have a lot of digestive issues when I have too much
- No calorie/macro tracking for now
- Using the Ate app to be aware of what I’m eating and to focus on mindfulness (you just share a pic, say whether it’s on path or not based on your own goals, and answer questions about hunger/fullness, etc)
- Hydration (slowly trying to add in more water… I’ve been drinking a lot of caffeine lately)- starting with trying to drink two of my 32oz water bottles per day
- Body Comp/Weight Habits
- Weighing once a week instead of daily
- Being okay with a 5+/- pound difference
- Checking in with hunger/fullness
- Remembering that weight gain is NOT an emergency. It’s just information. I can make small adjustments if I notice my weight increasing. I know how to eat/take care of myself at this point.
- Mental Health Self-Care
- Filtering what I see/hear by deciding what I will allow to affect me or not
- Unfriending/unfollowing social media accounts that aren’t encouraging or helpful
- Working on slowly being on social media less (not all or nothing!)
- Reading more (I don’t always have to be producing something!)
- Allowing myself to rest more (and not feel like I have to do something to earn it)
- Continuing to purge my home of things that aren’t useful/helpful for me
- I have sold the chickens, coop, chicken run, etc.
- I have sold a lot of homeschooling curriculum and given the rest away
- I continually go through my clothes and pack up or give away stuff that doesn’t fit
- Continuing to write a bit daily
- Continuing my time with Jesus daily
- Street Parking is about to start our yearly challenge (formerly called JvM) now called Battle of the Birds. I am Team Gallo. The required habits are actually less than what I do on the daily for the most part, but I have a few things that I will be focusing on:
- More water (mentioned above)
- Focusing on simple daily movement (5-6 days per week)
- Walking at least 10 minutes per day
- Fruits and veggies
Most of these are things I’m already doing, but I’m stopping some things for now such as training for races, tracking/logging my food, weighing daily, expecting specific things for myself every day, allowing myself to rest/relax more, and just working on mindfulness in all areas. I tend to be super motivated and encouraged by following my fellow Street Parking people, but sometimes it makes me feel like what I’m doing is never enough. I don’t know how to fix that at the moment.
I’m trying to remember/remind myself that my worth isn’t in what I DO or DON’T do, a certain weight, certain habits, how I eat/drink/move, or any external expectations. My worth is in Jesus. My worth is in just being the person that He created me to be. My worth isn’t in how I am viewed/appear to others.
Eating healthy is good for my body and brain, but it doesn’t determine my worth. Moving helps my brain a lot, but it also doesn’t determine my worth. Walking and being outside are more helpful than a lot of things, so I want to make that a priority.
I’m trying so hard to not lower my expectations per se, but to have more realistic expectations. It’s a constant work-in-progress. I have to constantly remind myself to NOT add more to my plate.
A Little Bit More of My Writing…
I am NOT a super creative poetry writer, but I feel like the simple nature of writing this way has been helpful for me as I process through some things.
I wrote these last night:
Burn
Sometimes I just want
To throw my brain in the trash.
And light it on fire.
I don’t understand it.
I dislike it.
I feel like it just causes issues and doesn’t have much to offer.
I have no control over it.
It affects others.
It makes every day so hard.
It takes so much work
And effort
To keep it healthy.
I feel defective.
I feel like a burden.
I don’t understand why God made me the way He did.
I keep waiting for
Something to change.
I don’t know if it ever will.
Just when I think
I’m doing better,
I tank again.
This can happen
Even within a day.
My brain is unpredictable.
Cease Striving
“Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” (NASB) The other versions say “be still,” but I LOVE the words “cease striving.”
What would happen
If I truly “cease striving”
As Psalm 46:10 says?
What does that
even look like?
Do I truly KNOW that He is God?
Is my goal for Him to be
Exalted on the earth?
Maybe that’s where this is all going wrong.
Maybe it’s never enough
Because my priorities are
All wrong.
Maybe the problem
Is that I am wanting control.
And I am wanting the glory.
What would it look like
If I made God the focus
And not myself and what I do or don’t do?
What things are necessary
For life and health?
And what are things that I am striving for that aren’t necessary?
Is health truly my goal?
Or do I want praise?
Do I want the glory for the work instead of giving it to God?
What is my motive?
What is my desire?
What is my purpose?
Then I remember
How much I’m loved by Jesus.
Maybe it’s truly not always my fault.
Letting Go
I’ve heard it said
What you resist
Persists.
The harder I fight
The harder
I fall.
I’m told that
Letting go
Will bring freedom.
I’m trying.
I just…
Don’t really know how.
It feels like the
Opposite of what
I should do.
But…
The definition of insanity
Is doing the same thing
Expecting a different result.
Maybe it’s time
To try
Something new.
Letting go of what
I think is best
And truly trusting God.
Taking a deep breath.
Taking one step at a time.
And just living the life He gave me.
Letting go of expectations.
Letting go of control.
Letting go… and falling into His grace.
simplycourtney.org 