I have been struggling so much the past several weeks. When this happens, I begin feeling a bit panicked because of my past. If you know anything about me… you know that I had YEARS of extreme mental health struggle.
I have been doing SO well since about late February/early March. I tend to do decently well in the spring, but I will say that I have done exceptionally well since we moved here. I had a rough February, but even that wasn’t as hard as in the past. I mean, it felt REALLY hard to me, but Robert feels that it wasn’t as bad as in the past.
So my high anxiety the past month or so (I had high anxiety at the end of May/beginning of June, it got better, then it came back) has had me SO fearful that my mental health struggles will always be there.
Being the type of person I am, I have been trying to figure out, fix, solve, and find out what I’m doing wrong that is making me so anxious. I am goal oriented and super hard on myself. I have very high expectations and try so hard to try to make myself feel better. It must be my fault, right?
In addition to just anxiety, I have a lot going on. Karis is getting ready to leave for college (in about a month). We are trying to make some decisions about our future (for the boys, for me, etc). I’m trying to decide what *I* want… not just what feels comfortable because I’ve “always” done it in the past. Not what I feel I’m supposed to do. Not what others do which makes me feel like that’s what’s best.
My brain has felt kind of all over the place. One minute I’m putting together a half marathon training schedule and the next minute I’m realizing I’m not ready… and maybe that’s not for me. I’m struggling to know what to focus on movement-wise. I tend to do well when I have a goal, but sometimes a goal makes me feel overwhelmed.
I’m starting to realize that the person that I’ve always defaulted to in the past may not be me anymore. The things that I’ve spent time, money, and energy on in the past aren’t really me anymore.
I struggle to rest. I struggle to allow myself to not always meet my goals. I struggle to allow myself the permission to let go sometimes. I want to be my best at everything. Part of that is ADHD. Part of that is my personality. Part of that is expectation that I put on myself that isn’t necessary. Part of that is seeing how other people do things and wanting to be “there.”
I wrote this on Facebook Thursday:
“Life feels very hard right now. I don’t know what’s going on. I feel like it’s just getting worse and worse despite fighting it really hard. I don’t know if it’s because of my ADHD or if I’m starting to get depressed. I’m feeling like throwing in the towel right now… which I KNOW isn’t an option. But I just feel like I don’t know what to do with myself. What would it look like to thrive despite my mental health struggles? I wish I could figure that out.
A huge part of me wants to continue training for races but it almost feels too hard right now.
I need to cut out dairy because my digestion has been so bad lately, but it feels too hard.
I want to keep focusing on good nutrition because I feel my best when I do, but I also just want to eat whatever is put in front of me.
I’m wanting to sell my chickens and all of their things (again). I keep thinking that I want to be a chicken lady but then I realize that I really just like the idea of it more than actually having the chickens.
My ADHD symptoms feel very out of control. I feel very emotionally dysregulated and don’t know up from down.
I know that my brain needs more intense exercise, but it’s so hard to make myself do it.
I am starting to think that I want the boys to go back to school maybe next year (after getting them a little more “caught up”), but is that best for them? Is that best for me? Should they go this year? Would that be dumb? I just feel like with my brain, I will never be their best teacher. I am so up and down.
I have been looking into possibly pursuing more education and a new career field eventually. But I also wonder if I will EVER be able to work full time like a normal adult. It hasn’t gone well so far…
Will I ever heal from my mental health struggles? Is this just my life? Should I Just deal with it? Will I ever have a life free from the major roller-coaster that I am always on?
I’m starting to think that my really amazing several months were just my “good” time of year and were maybe a fluke which is very discouraging.
Why am I the way I am? Why do I have to live with debilitating mental illnesses? I don’t even understand why anyone would want to be around me… I annoy the crap out of myself.
Mental Health work is exhausting. Self care is exhausting. Trying to figure out WHY is exhausting.
Who am I? Who did God create me to be? What did He create me to do? What gifts does He have for me to use for His glory? What does God want for me? What do *I* want for my life?
I want to simplify but focus on what is most important to me… but at the moment, I’m not even sure what that is or should be. I just feel so… messy.”
I had some super sweet comments from amazing friends and family. I’m so well loved.
Robert and I went on a long walk after this, and I came back and wrote this:
“Well. Sometimes I feel silly to just word vomit on Facebook. I often delete it. This time, I’m so glad I did it. My sweet friends came with some pretty amazing encouragement.
Robert and I went on an almost 5 mile walk and talked a TON.
We have some possible ideas about things moving forward, but it just felt good to have some light movement outside and good conversation.
One of the things that I beat myself up for is CONSTANTLY falling back into this idea of a homesteading life (with chickens, a garden, alllll the homemade stuff, and on and on) because after a while I remember that it’s not for me anymore… yet I keep going back. I do it out of comfort, really. It’s a coping mechanism. It probably doesn’t make sense to the average person. I don’t really know how to put it into words. But Robert has seen it enough to know what I mean. He knew when I got the chicks that it was out of emotion/comfort. It’s more the idea of it than the actual act of homesteading. I might be selling the whole thing (chickens and all their things) to a friend. If I do, I have promised him that I won’t do this again.
I know what’s healthiest for me and this isn’t it anymore. I don’t know that it ever really was. I think sometimes I felt like it’s just what I’m supposed to do. Again, I don’t know how to put it into words. I think the frustrating thing is that it’s a constant cycle. I want to break that cycle. I’m afraid I don’t know how!
I also think that we will be putting the boys into school after this year. It’s like 5 minutes away. Ethan is already planning on it. He has been telling Robert and me constantly that he plans to work hard this year to get into a better place to go to school the next year. We will see. But it’s a good possibility. Robert thinks it’ll be good for all of us. I don’t think the boys are ready yet, and that’s okay as well.
I don’t know what I will do with my life after that. One day at a time. I have some ideas, but I’m just going to try to focus on what I need to be my healthiest self today. I may never work full time. But even if I can just focus on working part time at camp and taking care of myself, that might be sufficient. My brain may never be stable enough year-round to work full time. Maybe that’s okay. We will see. I’m going to just pray and slowly seek answers.
Also… he brought up the idea of maybe just not running LONG races if I continue. Just keeping it at 3-4 miles because that feels sustainable to me and not a ton of work and extra training. We will see.
I just really dislike my brain sometimes, and I feel like I’m just a mess. But maybe it’s okay. I was talking with friends at dinner and one of them told me to just cry… let it out. It’s okay. (I was obviously trying to hold it in) I love my people here. They all seemed genuinely happy to see me today! I can just be me. 
I do feel that the reality of Karis moving 7 1/2 hours away in 5 weeks hitting me is a huge reason for my emotional/mental struggles. I didn’t think it would hit me this hard!”
A friend of mine told me that sometimes she falls back on old hobbies that brought her comfort even though they may not be for her anymore. That made me feel encouraged. I feel so DUMB sometimes to fall back into these old ways.
I met with my counselor yesterday and had a life-changing conversation!
First, she reiterated that sometimes we fall back into old habits/hobbies/whatever things made us feel comfort at some point. I think for me it’s some nostalgia as well. I have been into the homesteading/natural/”crunchy”/”granola” way of life for years. I had two homebirths. I have been in the “crunchy mama” world off and on since I was pregnant with Ethan. That’s 16 years. But now, it just brings expectation and anxiety because 1) I don’t believe all of that is best anymore. 2) My eyes have been opened to what I KNOW is true (for example… organic isn’t necessary, aspartame isn’t a neurotoxin, processed foods won’t kill you, etc). 3) I don’t fit into the philosophy of that lifestyle anymore. 4) While I have times when I enjoy making foods homemade, etc, the expectation of having to do that to “be healthy” isn’t necessary!
Second, as I talked about my cycles of depression and anxiety, she told me that my seasonal affective disorder is what brings extra anxiety in the summer (which also includes some depression as well). I have read about some people struggling in the winter AND summer, but to actually be told that by a professional, I feel a weight lifted. It’s so true though. This has been happening for YEARS. I can look back and see it SO clearly now. This is life-changing for me because she told me it’s not anything I’m doing or not doing, it’s not a problem that I need to fix or solve, and while it’s hard to deal with, I know it’ll get better in a month or so. And that’s true as well! Spring and Fall are my best seasons. I will start to notice more lows come late fall. Part of that is because of trauma, but I struggled in the winter before that trauma happened. Now that I understand my cycles a little better, I can 1) Be a little more proactive moving forward, and 2) I can stop beating myself up and trying to solve/fix it!
It’s not that I’m just going to give in and not do anything to make myself feel better, but it’s just the knowledge that while I do know how to take care of myself, it may not take the anxiety away completely. And. I’m okay.
Third, she reminded me that I’m coming into a new phase of life. Karis is going off to college, and the boys will be there soon. I’m at a place in life in which it’s time to start thinking about who I am as a person and not just as a mom. Right now, I’m so focused on my kids, homeschooling, etc that I haven’t thought about my future a whole lot. Now I’m realizing that I am young and have plenty of “life” left. I’m trying to decide what’s best for the boys AND for me moving forward. It’s pretty normal! And I have felt selfish to want to put the boys back in school in the future so that I can focus on myself. But that has been shut down many times by friends, family, and my counselor. It’s NOT selfish to try to decide what *I* want.
I’m not sure if I will be able to handle working full time or going back to school, but it’s something I’m considering! Robert and I talked about finishing my nutrition coaching certification first, then going from there. It’s a great place to start! I would love to become a Registered Dietitian in the future, but it will be a process!
My counselor reminded me that anytime I’m saying “always” or “never,” to truly look at my statement because it’s not true. Those extremes aren’t possible. Also, what I tell myself matters. If I’m constantly telling myself that I hate my brain, it will be hard to see the positives of my brain.
These are things that I’m working on, but I’m also learning that I’m okay right now.
simplycourtney.org 