I tend to do things out of emotion or impulsivity a LOT. Most of that is due to my ADHD and honestly even just because of my trauma brain. I’m still learning healthy ways to cope and manage life. I’ll get there! I believe I will. I have come SO far, and I am starting to realize much sooner than usual when I’m going off the rails.
I am very up and down and am easily swayed by my emotions or the “popular” thing in the world that I have been part of for so long. Or what I know even if it’s not right for me.
I go “all in” on things out of emotion then burn myself out quickly. I realize that sometimes in my “all in” moments I focus on the wrong things. I focus on things that maybe used to be for me but aren’t anymore. I keep going back to them because it’s comfortable… then I realize… it’s just not “it” anymore.
One of those things is homesteading. When we decided to move in December, I kind of decided to move on from that part of my life. Like, I realized that I had the freedom to do that! I wasn’t “tied down” to that anymore.
I wrote this on a blog post:
Last week, I changed my blog name again… which included something to do with homesteading and homeschooling… wanting to identify myself with those things. As if I needed a label. I realized quickly that I made a mistake with that…
I have been going “all in” with the homesteading world again… got the chickens again, have been working on the garden (currently just a container garden but had plans for more), started making everything from scratch again, trying to buy foods that are more “natural” again (spending too much money), starting to go back to “natural” products again… listening to all of the homesteading podcasts… all out of what is comfortable.
I have been feeling a little more out of control mentally and emotionally lately, and I thought that would help. I’m not sure why I thought that… maybe because it’s comfortable. I know I keep saying that! I beat myself up every single time I do this… but then I remind myself that sometimes we do what we know because of old coping mechanisms.
It’s time to start fresh.
In the back of my mind, I just knew that it wasn’t for me anymore no matter how hard I tried. 1) I KNOW what’s best at this point nutritionally and it’s NOT all homemade/organic/grass-fed/etc… I know how to eat well. I have done that consistently for about 6-7 months. It doesn’t involve any of that. I have lost almost 20 pounds, have brought my cholesterol down, and have gained a lot of muscle and endurance all without homemade/organic/grass-fed/etc. I went from a 12/14 to about an 8. I have never been a size 8. At least not as an adult! AND my body fat percentage is super healthy now. 2) I KNOW that “natural” products aren’t necessary or better. I either don’t like them as much and/or they don’t work as well (“natural” deodorant…). 3) Herbs and “natural” medicine don’t work (at least for me). 4) Having chickens is a lot of work and includes unnecessary money and time requirements. It’s a lot harder to just get out and go do things when we have chickens. It’s cheaper to just buy eggs! And it’s cheaper to buy veggies than it is to plant them and grow them. At least in the amounts of that I am able to plant. Trader Joe’s is a great option because it’s cheap and good quality. We have one 20 minutes away. And actually, our Walmart is really nice and has great foods as well. It’s about 5-10 minutes away. 5) I have been thinking that I needed to cut back on training for races, but I realized that I actually love training for races and putting a lot of time and effort into exercise. It’s my happy place and helps my brain so much. Instead, I need to focus on my expectations with “homesteading” and in our homeschool.
I know I’ve said this a lot, but I try SO hard to do the Charlotte Mason thing in our homeschool… I get all the books and try to read them… it seems so amazing and beautiful. But. It’s just NOT my boys. I have tried and tried, and it’s not the best fit for them. This summer I landed on doing basically what we have been doing… and I’m finally good with it. It’s more traditional. I’m adding one new thing (our language arts). I’m going to try to keep things simple but also working on getting them “caught up.” Ethan was saying he wants to do that this year and maybe go to public school the next year. I may have Levi do the same. When he says/I say “caught up,” I mostly mean in skills… math and writing (and fluency for one of them). The boys are both behind on math because I had to go back a level to fill in gaps after I pulled them out of school. They both need work on their writing skills. I can totally get that done this year if they will put in the work and effort. My expectations are increasing for sure. They are increasing for the boys, but I’m not going to spend so much time adjusting and creating things. So much of the curriculum/resources that we use are great. I just need to be consistent with them!
I’m thinking/praying about possibly making a switch in focus moving forward.
As I work with the boys to get them where they need to be, I might work on finally finishing my nutrition coaching certificate through NASM (I already paid for it, but I would need to pay to take the exam) and maybe go for the personal training certificate that they offer as well. The next year, I might complete some pre-requisites to be able to start a masters in Dietetics to become a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist. Or I might look into becoming a licensed counselor. There are so many options! There are multiple community colleges in the area (to complete the pre-reqs) and some great universities (specifically Colorado State University Colorado Springs!).
My oldest is headed to college next month (we are actually at her orientation right now), and my boys aren’t too far behind. I am pretty young still, so I have a whole life ahead of me!
This may be my turn for a “midlife crisis.” Haha. We will see. I’m just trying to keep my options open. I haven’t had options in YEARS. We have a whole new world opened up to us!
I think for me, part of being Wild + Free is not being tied down to any expectations or ideas. Maybe just accepting that my brain is here and there all the time would help as well. I am who I am… my passionate, Wild + Free, adventurous, goal-driven self. I’m also a lot more consistent than ever (even when I have set backs, I am more consistent). I love well, work hard, pour into others, enjoy many amazing friendships, focus on my kids’ health (mental, emotional, and spiritual), intense, impulsive, a spender who is working on getting better in this area, sometimes super anxious, enjoy working outside, need a clean house, and on and on. You can’t really put me in a box. I am Simply Courtney… in all of my craziness.
simplycourtney.org 