We weren’t able to go to church this past Sunday because Robert is on call this week. He has to be at all meals when we have guests, and we had guests for breakfast and lunch on Sunday.
It’s pretty rare for us to miss church these days, and I’m so grateful. Our church is about 10 minutes away now! And while it is hard since it’s so large, I love it so much. The sermon is always solid. The pastors preach what needs to be said. They don’t avoid the hard topics. I learn something every time, and God speaks to me through their words. The worship is always amazing as well. I’m hoping next school year we can connect more.
Last Sunday (5/5), God spoke to me SO much through the sermon. I am still processing through it, and I thought I’d share some of it… in addition to sharing some words that God spoke to me today through my personal study. This probably won’t be short. I’m sharing this mostly for myself… but I hope you’ll read.
The passage that he spoke from is John 11… the death and resurrection of Lazarus.
My notes (highlighting the big stuff!) plus some extra words about it:
Lazarus, who was Mary and Martha’s brother, dies. These people are close friends of Jesus.
Jesus said, “This illness does not lead to death. It’s for God’s glory.” I’m sure that was very confusing for Mary and Martha because Lazarus died four days before Jesus got there! They were distraught. They were grieving. They were confused about why Jesus didn’t show up “in time.”
Jesus had a plan, even though it made NO sense to the people in His life.
Jesus sometimes allows people to walk through hard things for His purposes to happen.
We may never see the good out of some of the sorrow that we go through. But always remember that Jesus even suffered. It was for our ultimate good, but people couldn’t see that at the time either. HE is God, we are not.
Martha, even in her grief, went to meet Jesus.
Don’t avoid Him. Go to Him. Be honest with Him.
She said, “If you had been here, he wouldn’t have died.” Then she said, “But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.” Even in her confusion and sadness, she affirms who He is. She still believes in Him.
Are you allowing your pain to keep you from coming to Jesus? Go to Him and be honest.
“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?’ She said to him, ‘Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world.’”
He shares who He is in that moment. He is focusing more on eternal life- life after death. Everyone who believes will live.
After that, Jesus shows His humanity in His sadness about Lazarus. “Jesus wept.”
“Jesus said, ‘Take away the stone.’ Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, ‘Lord, by this time there will be an odor, for he has been dead four days.’ ‘Jesus said to her, ‘Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?’
Jesus then told Lazarus to come out. Lazarus then came out with his hands and feet bound. Jesus told them to unbind him.
Honestly, this is one of very few times that an actual dead person is raised to life. Jesus used this as an example of what He can do, but He doesn’t always do this.
I know for me, I went through several years of anger and separation from a close relationship with Jesus because I was angry that 1) He wouldn’t heal my brother here on this earth. 2) He allowed my brother to take his own life (in a super traumatic way that affected our lives greatly). 3) He wouldn’t heal me from my own severe mental illness.
What good did separation from the intimacy that I had with Jesus do? Absolutely nothing. It only made my life and mental illness even worse! We need Him. Even when we don’t understand. Even when life feels so hard we can’t keep going. Especially in those moments.
I will never completely understand why Joey had to die… especially the way he did. Perhaps that was his way of being healed. As I said before, sometimes we will never know why things happen. I don’t believe God wanted Joey to suffer as he did. Life is hard. There is sin and darkness and death. I believe that God loved Joey more than we could have ever loved him. And to this day, I believe that that grieved God as well.
However, God has used some really hard years for His glory and for my good. I’m a much stronger person now because of all that I went through. I can truly appreciate where I am because of it. I have more depth than I would have ever had without suffering. I have an intimate relationship with Jesus that I don’t think I could have ever had without suffering. I learned that I can do nothing apart from Him. My earthly relationships are richer. I love so much better than I could have ever loved without the suffering that I went through. I am able to see past people’s “bad” decisions to love them right where they are. I feel like God has given me a tenderness for others that I would not have had otherwise. I can often see past what they are presenting on the outside to see what’s going on inside. I have learned what’s truly important. I have learned that God’s Grace is sufficient for anything that this world can throw at us. I have learned that I don’t have to understand everything.
I literally went through years and years of suffering. I couldn’t understand WHY. I was doing everything I could possibly do to heal and overcome.
I don’t necessarily see it all now, but I am content with just trusting Jesus with it all. I trust that He will be glorified, and good will come from it. He has proven that to me.
Even on the hard days now (they still happen for sure), the depth that I have gained shows up. The intimacy that I have with Jesus shows up. Jesus Himself shows up. I remember. I see. I believe. I trust. I have hope, peace, joy, and see His grace in my life. I am honest with Jesus. I share my feelings, even though sometimes they are anger and frustration. I worship. I read His Word. I journal to Him. I process. Then I lay it down at His feet and move forward.
He has proven His faithfulness time and time again.
Which leads me to the things God reminded me today…
There are some dates that are so hard… like November 30, 2009 and January 7th. The first one is the date that Joey took his life. January 7th is his birthday.
There are some good dates… The date that Robert and I got married- December 20th. The dates that my kids were born- March 15th, June 14th, and February 10th.
Today, when I wrote the date in my journal, May 14th, I was immediately reminded of the date that we moved to the camp that we left in January.
This date brings mixed feelings. If we had stayed, today would have been our 9 year anniversary of being there.
I know that God had us there for many reasons and purposes, but I honestly feel a lot of sadness and emotional (little t) trauma from my experiences there. I didn’t realize until we moved just how isolated I felt. All those years there, and I struggled to have deep relationships. I never felt like I fit in. I was never in the “in” crowd. I never felt good enough. I always felt like I was a bother to those around me. Robert and I poured our “everything” into the community and the ministry. We left feeling totally and completely spent. We left in January, and we haven’t really heard from the people that we spent 8 1/2 years with. I mean, we have heard from a few. But overall, we have seen just how little we were “seen.”
Ultimately, our service to Jesus isn’t about us or how we are treated. We weren’t always innocent with our attitudes or actions either. But it shows that we are in a much healthier place now. We are wanted here, loved, appreciated, and accepted as we are more than anywhere we have ever been. We are told often by people that they are SO glad we are here.
God used our time there to lead me to healing. While it was REALLY hard in so many ways, I found sobriety and began my journey to healing.
When we moved there in 2015, I was kind of at the peak of my alcoholism. It only got worse due to the isolation that I felt, honestly. But it was already on its way to that point before we moved there. In August of that year, I was suicidal. I should have gone to the hospital (my counselor wanted me to for at least a month), but I just couldn’t figure out how to do that financially (our insurance sucked) or how to take care of my family if I did. I remember a few times when I wanted to run my car off the road. I could barely function. I just wanted to sleep all day so I didn’t have to think about suffering.
I remember feeling so sad being left out of several things in the community. Birthday parties that I wasn’t invited to. A baby shower that I was “accidentally” left out of. Being treated terribly by people that I expected to be the most inclusive (one of those people apologized to me for being a terrible friend the day before we left… but I haven’t heard from her since). Not being understood at all. Even when I ended up in rehab, I didn’t feel much support. I think they tried… but it just wasn’t really there. When I ended up inpatient when we lived in Frisco, the church provided us meals for 6 weeks after. When I went into rehab… crickets from those around me. Well, they got me a small gift card to Walmart. Yeah.
I went through so much in the years following. I was in so much therapy, tried so many medications, and just barely made it through each day. I went through several bouts of “hyperventilation syndrome” which was the worst thing to ever go through. Literally all day, every day, I couldn’t catch my breath. The only time I had relief was when I slept. Then I’d wake up with it again in the morning. I suffered through 4 years of a cough that I determined was due to severe anxiety (after so many medical tests showed that I was “healthy”). I still cough when I’m really anxious, but it helps to know why now. I was on so many medications that a psychologist once told me she couldn’t figure out how I was even sitting up. I didn’t “sit up” well. I would fall asleep so easily. I struggled to just get through each day. I remember having to pull over and take cat naps when driving places. It was miserable.
The years after rehab were honestly the hardest for me because I didn’t have an escape from my suffering. I could no longer numb myself. But I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and continued to seek out answers and healing. I felt pretty alone through all of this, though.
The people who supported me the most through all of my suffering weren’t anywhere around me… they just supported me from afar (well, except for my family of course!). They would tell me how much I was loved and wanted.
The date, May 14th, has some good feelings associated with it as well, though. I did meet some great people and had some deep experiences, and I know that God used all of this to grow me into the person that I am today. I miss a few things… such as some fun camp traditions, the beauty that I was surrounded by daily (including the many miles of hiking that I did there), and I’m grateful for the growth that came through the suffering. I want to add here that I *did* have a few great friends and not everything about our old camp was terrible. But that’s just the overall memory that I have from the place. I do have some sweet friends that I will always be grateful for. I’m hoping that over time, I will see this more and more and see the darkness less and less.
There’s a new date that means a lot to me now… January 10th. That’s the day that we drove to Colorado. Our life is totally new here in ways I can’t describe. I no longer feel isolated. I literally feel like I have no limits. My mental health is in a whole new place. Even on the hard days, it’s nothing like the darkness that I experienced for so many years.
I look back and see mostly darkness. But today, I see light. I see hope. I see joy. I see healing. I see opportunity. I see options. I see resources that I have never had. I see growth. I see my worth to Jesus and those around me. I am loved and wanted and people check on me and reach out to me.
I bring up the dates because today’s Bible study was based on that…
Today I am going to look at the amazing freedom and peace that I now have through the faithfulness that God has shown through the healing that He has provided. I’m going to stop focusing on the darkness and pain that I have felt in the past, and focus on God delivering me from my “Egypt.”
“Egypt” by Cory Asbury
I won’t forget, the wonder of how You brought
Deliverance, the exodus of my heart
‘Cause You found me, You freed me
Held back the waters for my release
O Yahweh
You’re the God who fights for me
Lord of every victory
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You have torn apart the sea
You have led me through the deep
Hallelujah
Hallelujah, oh
The cloud by day, is a sign that You are with me
The fire by night, is the guiding light to my feet
‘Cause You found me, You freed me
Held back the waters for my release
O Yahweh
You’re the God who fights for me
Lord of every victory
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You have torn apart the sea
You have led me through the deep
Hallelujah
Hallelujah, oh
You’re the God who fights for me
Lord of every victory
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You have torn apart the sea
You have led me through the deep
Hallelujah
Hallelujah, oh
You stepped into my Egypt
And You took me by the hand
And You marched me out in freedom
Into the promised land
And now I will not forget You, no
I’ll sing of all You’ve done
Death is swallowed up forever
By the fury of Your love
‘Cause You stepped into my Egypt
And You took me by the hand
You marched me out in freedom
Into the promised land
Now I will not forget You, God
I’ll sing of all You’ve done
Death is swallowed up forever
By the fury of Your love
You’re the God who fights for me
Lord of every victory
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You have torn apart the sea
You have led me through the deep
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
And You’re the God who fights for me
Lord of every victory
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
And You have torn apart the sea
You have led me through the deep
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
‘Cause You stepped into my Egypt
You took me by the hand
And You marched me out in freedom
Straight into the promised land
Now I will not forget You, no
I’ll sing of all You’ve done
Death is swallowed up forever
By the fury of Your love
simplycourtney.org 