I Can Just “Be”

I had a Ketamine treatment today which was actually a very weird treatment… but I went to therapy after and the processing that happened felt super life-changing for me. I’m going to do my best to put it into words, but I’m not sure if it’ll be super clear at this point. And also, I know that some of this may not seem like a big deal to most people, but I walk around with a huge weight on my back, and I feel like it was thrown off today!

First of all, we are trying to find my “right” dose after coming from an office in Texas that always used anxiety meds before the treatment which dampened the effects. They had me on an INCREDIBLY high dose, so even though this doc has reduced the dose a lot, I think we still might need to reduce it some more. It’s okay, though. The doc is amazing and comforting. I was having a rough time so he came in and sat on the floor next to me and turned it off for a bit until I could get my bearings. He’s so patient and just amazing. I’m so grateful. Last time, his suggestion to me was to get into therapy right after if I could so I could process right away. He was right about that being important! One of the things that really stuck out to me when we took a pause was that I was trying to “figure out” what happened, and he said sometimes this just happens. We don’t have to trouble-shoot or figure out why. I can just be. I can just sit with it.

The processing that I did, and the things that my counselor said today were life-changing.

I told her that I feel like social media affects me a lot and that I am always deactivating and re-activating. We talked about the positives and negatives about it, and we talked about how maybe it doesn’t need to be all or nothing. So then I was like, “Well maybe I can just un-follow the accounts that make me feel this or that way…” Then she said, “Maybe you just don’t do anything. Maybe you just scroll past.” Huh? Mind. Blown.

I am a VERY black-and-white person AND a perfectionist; therefore, I am always at one extreme or the other. I am always trying to fix, improve, trouble-shoot, process, and do certain things to be some person that I idealize myself as. I always have this assumption that what I do or don’t do determines who I am. Like if I have a homestead, use all natural products, cook and/or bake everything from scratch, use natural medicine, make and drink kombucha, make sourdough, avoid “artificial” sweeteners and colors, eat organic and grass-fed, etc, then I am a “crunchy mama.” If I don’t do those things 100% of the time, then I’m the opposite (whatever that may be). It’s like there is a scale of 0 to 100, and if I am doing things on the higher side of that scale, then I can live out that label.

She is continually reminding me that I can just “be.” I don’t have to do certain things to just be who I am. I also don’t have to constantly fix, improve, trouble-shoot, or change things. I truly can just live my day-to-day life right where I am. I don’t have to do certain things to be me. I can just be me. Even in my messiness and imperfection.

What I eat, drink, wear, read, watch, do, find important, and on and on doesn’t change WHO I am. Being and doing are two very different things.

Something else that is super important is that I can pick and choose what I care to focus on in what others are posting on social media as well. I can take from content what I believe is important for me and shed the rest. I can just keep scrolling. I can choose to be “triggered” by someone’s content or their opinion, or I can just know what I believe and remember that we all believe differently about things. That’s normal.

At the end of the day… I do NOT fit into any sort of label. And I kind of like that! I am… Simply Courtney. I am who I am. Some days I love to bake sourdough and eat really healthy, and some days we eat Funfetti cupcakes for breakfast (Poetry Teatime for the win!). I am tired of trying to fit into some sort of label and feel the need to bring my whole family down with me. It brings a lot of stress and tension into our household. I am also at a place in which I am trying to process what I want and not doing things because other people feel it’s best for them.

The other day, I said “I need to workout.” Robert was like, “do YOU feel like you need to workout, or do you feel like it’s what’s expected of you?” He reminded me that yes, working out can make me feel good, but only if I want to. My counselor said the same thing to me today. I love the Street Parking community, but there are a lot of people that workout daily without rest. And others who work out 5-6 days still. Every time I try that, I burn myself out. Then I don’t workout much the whole next month. It really is okay if I only workout 3-4 days per week. That’s healthy and still consistent. Then, I don’t walk around with a weight on my back every day.

I LOVE the Charlotte Mason philosophies, but we just don’t live them out day-to-day in our homeschool. It feels peaceful and sweet in theory, but if it’s not a good fit for MY kids, then it’s not peaceful and sweet. What we are doing now works so much better because I’m not trying to fit into one specific homeschooling philosophy… I’m just doing what works for my kids! And it has been going SO well! Some of it does fit into the CM philosophy, but a lot of it doesn’t! And that’s totally fine!

I will no longer beat myself up for drinking Coke Zero. I like it and it’s much cheaper than Kombucha (and I like it so much better). I have actually found zero proof scientifically that it is a “neuro-toxin” as I have been told. Organic and grass-fed aren’t actually necessary, and it’s just too expensive to buy those anyway. We are working very hard on our grocery budget, so this is just something I am trying to truly come to terms with and live out. True, healthy foods include fruits and veggies (regardless of the organic label), lean meats, and other whole foods. High saturated fat = higher cholesterol. Which I have. (I have brought this up before, but I’m just reiterating it to myself…)

For me, restriction creates a desire to binge. No matter WHAT that is.

It is totally possible to live “somewhere in the middle.” When I’m not trying to do certain things to “be” a certain way, then I begin to be more true to who I am and there aren’t such extremes.

I’ve been going back and forth about the “homesteading thing,” and I am starting to think more and more that I really like the “idea” of homesteading, but not actually homesteading. I love to have the chickens to have the pretty eggs, but I don’t love the work that goes into chickens or even the chickens themselves. I love the idea of having a garden, but I don’t love the money and time and energy that it takes to create a garden. Especially since we are in a much colder climate… it would take a lot to figure out.

I actually really love homeschooling itself, and it’s SO good for our kids. I actually really love being outside in nature and adventuring. I actually really love thrifting and buying books and making sourdough. I really love floral patterns, vintage things, and thrift store decor. I don’t love working out (weights), but I know that it’s very good for my body, so it’s worthwhile to pursue even if I don’t love it. Adventuring and moving my body outside is what I really love. But lifting weights is so good for my body, so I do it anyway. It’s okay if I don’t do it 6 days per week! I really enjoy the challenge of setting a budget and sticking to it in creative ways. I’m getting better at it and will only continue! I love creating things to use for our homeschool… I’m not sure if I enjoy creating things to sell yet. We will see. I really enjoy yoga and soft music. I really love worship songs, folk/indie music, and 90s roadtrip songs. I really enjoy Bible study and journaling and worshiping Jesus. And y’all, I really do my best “processing” when I’m blogging for others to read. I talked to my therapist about that today. I told her that I struggle to “journal” in the traditional sense because I want to write it on my blog to share instead, and she said that some people just have a “writer’s brain,” and that’s okay! I don’t have to be someone I’m not. Usually when I write, I have a final product in mind. It’s just the way my brain works. I have been blogging for like 16 years!

It is such a relief/freedom to truly realize that I can just “be.” I don’t have to fix myself, do anything to fit into a label, trouble-shoot, control, fix, or figure anything out.

A HUGE weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

I’m sure I will have to re-read this many times… but I feel like I’m finally “on my way” to truly just “be” who I want to be. A mama who loves her family, Jesus, and others. A woman who is intentional to be a light in the darkness and share how God has redeemed her from some really hard stuff. A woman who is very real and vulnerable in a way that is helpful to herself and beneficial to others. Someone who is always just figuring things out one moment at a time… who doesn’t have it all together… who changes her mind… who knows who she is and whose she is… who just lives day-to-day, in the moment, and with intention.

I hope that’s truly what y’all see when you read my words.