My childbirth education certification class trainer said this to me after I explained how hard it has been to get the course completed (I started it years ago…). I felt so seen in that moment. That’s my whole life.
In addition to the ADHD, the depression coming and going as it desires, and living with anxiety most of the time (sometimes severe), I struggle a lot. Some seasons are definitely worse than others. But I just have to keep swimming. Because I have a lot of good in my life. I have a relationship with my creator, my family is worth it, I have so many amazing things to focus on daily. I am NOT perfect even though I try to be. Daily.
I dreamed last night that I stopped trying to do so much all the time (if you knew how many goals and things that I have in my head on the daily, you’d have anxiety as well). It felt scary but also peaceful. I’m not sure how to live that out, but I think it might be worth deciding what’s worth the daily fight and what isn’t. I feel like God gave me that dream for a purpose.
I’m enough. Right here and now. Even if I never get to where I want to be. I am always trying to improve everything in my life. Then I end up becoming paralyzed and do nothing (well, I guess I never do *nothing* but struggle to determine what to focus on so I feel like I’m floundering). There’s a song called “Future Version” by Shane and Shane that is so relatable. It’s basically about this. God won’t love a future version of us any more than He loves us now.
My Mental Health Care
I am cared for in a whole new way here in Colorado. The resources are endless, the cost is less (for various reasons), and God has provided for my needs abundantly in this way.
My first Ketamine treatment in Colorado (last Thursday) was amazing. The owners of the clinic are a retired military husband (anesthesiologist) and wife (psychiatric nurse practitioner), a nurse who gave me hug after hug (saying she knows God put her there to love and care for those who are struggling), and a really great session. The doctor told me that they have great pensions from the military, so they are able to charge less because they aren’t making a living from it. They just want to help people. The office was so peaceful and perfect. The session went better than ever before. Something I learned is that my previous doctor gave me anxiety meds before the session every time which actually dampened the benefit quite a bit, which is why it took so long to work. My session on Thursday was VERY different in a good way.
My treatment was so amazing and different… I wish I knew how to explain it… But it was like God was with me and speaking so much truth to me. “You are enough. Your kids’ whole lives are not in your hands/control. Their future doesn’t depend on you being perfect. You can let go. They are going to be okay. You can’t control things. Rest. You are safe.” And I kept seeing my brother and he would make me feel so safe. And he would remind me that I’m okay. I would say “why does it always have to come back to him?” And I would be told that that’s just the way it’s going to be and to accept that. Just lean into it. I would start to feel scared, then I would remind myself again that I am safe. God is in control. He will take care of me and my family. He loves my family even more than I do.
Last night I talked to the nurse from my Ketamine office for an hour, and she reminded me that I am enough. I am loved. I am worth the effort of healing. People will come and go in my life, but I will always have Jesus, my family, and myself. (also, how awesome that this nurse cares SO much that she would call me on a Monday evening to talk)
Sometimes I don’t realize that I haven’t grieved or healed fully from my brother’s death and that trauma until I talk with people who “know.” They see right through the things that I’m outwardly struggling with in the moment and see the healing that needs to still happen. She reminded me that I CAN find healing. I still feel like it’ll never come after 14 winters of severe struggle. But she reminds me that it will happen. I just have to keep seeking it.
I was hoping that one booster of Ketamine would be enough to get me through this season, but I actually feel MORE raw and depressed since the treatment. I feel like maybe it’s actually helping me work through the trauma/grief/etc in a whole new way (since I’m not using anxiety medication to numb), but I think it’s going to take some more treatments and time. I’m so ready to heal. It’s been over 14 years of struggle. Suffering. Depression. Anxiety. There have been some great seasons mixed in as well, but winter has never been good. I’ve struggled in the winter for years and years.
I also have a great psychiatric nurse practitioner (that I’ve shared about) who does med management AND therapy (for $10). I am still getting to know her, but I think she will be great for me. I may end up deciding to switch to a therapist that does EMDR, but she’s great for now. I will see her this afternoon!
For now, I keep pressing on. I’m taking the kids to a fun arcade then we will be going to a park with friends. I don’t feel like doing ANY of that, but I know I need to keep showing up for myself and my kids even when I don’t feel like it.
simplycourtney.org 