Identity and Starting with What I Know

Through journaling this morning, I realized that I have a lot of questions about what’s next for me, what to focus on, what’s truth for me (without distraction), what’s important to me, what are non-negotiables, what I’m not sure about still, and what I’m ready to let go of.

I spend a lot of time asking for wisdom, but I’m always thrown around by the waves of others’ opinions, what I think people think, emotion (trauma, seasons, etc), what worked for us in a previous season but isn’t for us anymore, and so much distraction. A lot of that comes through social media… Facebook groups, following people on Instagram who only post curated content (not real), only seeing people through a small lens, and trying to make decisions for myself and my family based on the decisions others make for THEIR families… knowing logically that what works for one person/family will not work for me. We are all created so different with different needs, different capacities, different strengths and weaknesses, different families, and so on. Also, just because something was “for” us in a previous season doesn’t mean it’s “for” us now.

James 1:5-6 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.” 

For me… instead of asking God, I ask the stranger in a homeschooling group, Street Parking group, the homeschooling mama that I follow on Instagram, the social media “influencer” who talks about nutrition (who posts as if they know what they are saying is right for everyone, without any education to back up what they post about), the podcaster, and so on. Then I’m “tossed by the wind” of opinion and feel like I’m drowning… not sure which way to turn. 

I tend to go back and forth about things. I will go all in on something that I find important, to decide that it’s not important after all… then back again. If it’s truly important to me, won’t I just stick it out? Maybe. Maybe not. As someone with ADHD, I tend to be all over the place sometimes!

I tend to try to have a certain identity as this natural mama who has a homestead, who home schools, who makes everything from scratch, who uses natural medicine, who loves to adventure and to be in nature, etc, and when I do something that is out of alignment with that, I feel like I’m in an identity crisis… which then causes anxiety/depression. Then, I tend to over-correct and go the complete opposite way, even when I know that isn’t right for me. 

Instead of my identity being in Jesus, I seek to have identity in the things that I do or don’t do… who people think I am… who I want to be but struggle to be 100% of the time… in who I see on social media to be acceptable. I’m honestly not often sure what I actually believe about certain things as I have spent so many years seeking out what other people believe. And let me tell you, there are extremes on all sides… and judgment to go along with that. One person will share about this study that proves _________ while another person will share about a study that disproves that, and so on…

I’m not even saying that this way of seeing myself is wrong! I truly love all of the things that I listed. But it’s also really hard to know what is me and what is just what I think I should be. Partly because what I hear from others about how that is wrong, etc.

I think it’s totally normal to seek identity in what we do most of the time, consistently. If I am someone who believes eating “real food” is important, who turns to movement for mental health benefits, who gardens and has chickens, who loves to bake and cook from scratch, who enjoys making/using natural medicine (herbal tinctures REALLY help my anxiety in the moment), etc, I will sort of develop an identity around that. But I also need to be a flexible person because it’s impossible to be who I want to be and do what I want to do 100% of the time. 

In the same way, seeing myself as someone who will always struggle with ______________, maybe I will always struggle with that because I see that as my identity. 

For example, addiction. It’s pretty well known that an addict will tend to go to a new addiction if they quit one. After I got sober from alcohol, I turned to food (gained 30+ pounds) and a LOT of Coke Zero. I remember very vividly the doctor in rehab telling me that it’s not as bad as alcohol, so go for it. Even though Coke Zero makes me feel like crap (and doesn’t fit into my identity as a natural mama), I still turn to it when I’m struggling with anxiety because “it’s not as bad as alcohol.” It is an unhealthy coping mechanism for me. And I still keep turning to it because in my head I tell myself that that’s just who I am… the way that my brain is… and I can’t help it. So I have this constant back and forth about this. It doesn’t fit into the identity that I’ve given myself as a “natural mama,” so I beat myself up every time I drink a Coke Zero (and tell everyone around me that I know it’s “bad,” but I can’t help it), which tends to push me towards it even more because of shame. The brain is a weird thing. Just like when I would wake up with shame every day over my drinking alcohol all day the day before and feeling like I would never be able to stop the cycle… yet I would just start drinking again. It’s a very similar thing. Yes, I know that ultimately Coke Zero “isn’t as bad as alcohol” for an addict, but it still has a similar shame cycle because I feel like I can’t stop. And it’s the behaviors that are a problem.

I have felt this way about social media as well. 

This morning, I was already feeling like I was having a hard time with the idea of fasting from it for Lent. I was regretting it already and was thinking about just not even trying after all. Then I just kept asking myself “why?” The reason today was that I wanted to post pictures of our homemade red velvet waffles that I made for the kids for Valentine’s breakfast. But why? So people would think I’m an amazing mom who does fun things for their kids? Why? Because I feel like I am not worthy if I don’t do these fun things. I also want people to think of me fondly. I feel the need to seek approval of others. So then the question came to me… do I just do those fun things for my kids, or so that people will view me as this amazing, fun mom? When I started thinking about making them these fun waffles just to make them happy and not to post about them, I realized that my motives become much more pure. I truly want my kids to be happy. I want them to think back to their childhood/teen years with joy. 

All of this to say… I’m on a journey of deciding who I am, what I think is important, WHY I think those things are important, how to let go of an identity that doesn’t serve me (if I am always thinking of myself as an addict with ADHD and other mental health issues that make it hard to do _____________, I will never grow), etc. 

I am also going to focus on who I WANT to be, and how to go about living that life. Not in perfection, but in a way that honors who God created me to be. Because if I’m honoring who God created me to be, I will be at so much more peace… and God will be glorified through that. 

My counselor is encouraging me to think through my non-negotiables and learn to let go of things that are extraneous so that I can focus on what’s important to me. Truly. Part of this is learning to have grace for myself as well because I will never “get it right” 100% of the time. But it’s important to know what is important to me, what I enjoy, what I do because I feel the expectation to do it, what I’m putting on my plate that isn’t necessary to be there, and so on. 

For me, this is also letting go of things that don’t serve me well… things that I have told myself I am unable to let go of for whatever reason that just bring negative feelings about myself. 

I was listening to a podcast today called “The Next Right Thing” by Emily P. Freeman. I’ve shared about her so many times. Her podcasts just bring so much peace for so many reasons. Her voice, the grace that she presents in imperfection, and her decision making advice, have been huge life-savers for me over the past two years. One of the episodes that I listened to is called “Write What You Know.” She’s a writer, so it comes out of that space, but she also said that it can be just good life advice in general.

What do I KNOW?

• Homeschooling is best for my kids and even for myself. It has been life-giving in so many ways. I’ve seen a HUGE shift in my kids’ mental health (positively), and it is also something I truly enjoy so much. Despite the fact that our homeschool isn’t “perfect,” they are learning way more than they did in public school, and they are healing from very negative experiences.
• I know how to teach my kids. I don’t need others’ advice for this. This is a hard one because I often doubt myself, but then I realize that I know what I’m doing and they are doing well!
• Nature and movement are SO important for my brain. Without these, I can’t really function. Not being in nature as much lately (because winter) has affected me… and it’s worth seeking out how to make this more of a priority for me.
• Eating mostly real food has historically been SO good for my mental health. What you eat affects your brain… and when I’m having a lot of processed food and soda, it truly affects my brain.
• Eating for good mental health is way more important than eating a certain number of calories, etc for weight management. My body is okay right now (I know this logically, but not emotionally… I’m getting there).
• Impulsively drinking soda as an unhealthy coping mechanism makes self-efficacy so hard AND it negatively affects my mental health.
• Medication helps a lot AND so does natural medicine (herbal tinctures, supplements + food as medicine). It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
• Routine is SO important for me and for my kids. But, a rigid schedule isn’t necessary.
• It’s okay that routine is necessary for us. 
• I will never be perfect at ___________________. I often beat myself up for being a spender, eating/drinking impulsively to “cope,” hyperfocusing and wasting time, not being the mom and wife that I would like to be, being emotionally dysregulated sometimes/some seasons, losing and gaining the same 10-15 pounds, changing things in our homeschool (turns out, it’s somewhat normal… the kids’ needs change, my needs change, etc), and on and on… I can work on something a little bit at a time and just be okay with being imperfect. I have seen a lot of growth over the years even though I’m not where I want to be.
• I really do LOVE having a homestead. It’s truly important to me, and that’s okay. I had to let it go for a season, but I do plan to work on it again. It fills my cup and makes me so happy. It’s not about identity as much as it’s just something I’ve always wanted. And I’ve had it and had to let it go several times… that has made me sad! I can make it happen in a way in which we can still travel. It’s possible!
• I am going back to cash budgeting for variable expenses. Now that we live close to the city, I feel like it’s a lot more possible. I also think it will be a good way for me to learn to control my spending. 

What am I questioning?

• What’s next? I have many things that I want to work on… I’m not sure what to focus on first. 
• Childbirth Education certification- I want to finally finish this and maybe also do the doula certification. Because we live so close to the city now, it’s truly possible. I’m trying to determine how important this is to me. Will I follow through? Or will I decide again that it’s not important enough? I’m not sure if I want to finish this because 1) I just want to say I finished it, 2) I want to actually create a business in childbirth, 3) It’s an emotional/seasonal thing for me, 4) I just miss pregnancy and childbirth or 5) I feel like this could be a way to pour into others. Or a combination of things.
• I have been told soooo many times that I should create things to sell online (educational, organizational, etc) on Etsy or something. I DO enjoy it… but should I put much time or effort in it? I haven’t decided yet. I have a LOT of ideas of things to create and sell! I could create a whole preschool curriculum, homeschool planners, nature studies, art studies, etc. I love creating. I just don’t know if I have the mental and emotional energy to create things to “put out there” for others to buy.
• Do I want to work much at camp? I honestly don’t know. We haven’t had much need because this time of year is pretty chill here… and I’m not sure if I really want to work much. I feel like working is hard for me in general, especially this time of year.
• Should I maybe just not add anything to my plate at the moment? This is an important question. I absolutely love where I am in life at the moment, but I also feel the need to have a creative outlet and something outside of my family (if that makes sense). We don’t really need the money as much as we used to (it wouldn’t hurt, but we are okay!), so it’s more about just want my mental and emotional self needs!

The funny thing about life is that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Maybe I focus on the CBE class for a short time, then set it back down for a bit, then pick it back up. Or maybe I create some things to sell online then take a break. Or maybe I wait a little while, but that doesn’t mean it’ll never happen… and on and on. Life is very fluid and flexible. Something changes almost daily… so I guess there’s no reason to really have to make a “final” decision on anything! I could also work a few hours here and there at camp… and just make decisions based on how I feel at the moment! 

Also, what I KNOW to be true today could change… and that’s okay as well! I do know that most of these things have always been important to me and/or I have always known that these things are true (even if I don’t live them out). Some people will say that you live out what you know to be true, and I disagree with that as a blanket statement. Sometimes it’s hard to live out what’s important to us and what we know is true for a variety of reasons including beliefs that contradict each other. For example, I believe that I do best when I eat “real foods,” don’t drink soda, move my body daily, etc. I also believe that I will never be consistent because of my mental health and see myself as an addict who will never stop doing ______________. So what needs to happen is healing in order to live out the healthier beliefs. It’s a process. I’m getting there, and I think it will happen; it’s just going to take time, a lot more counseling, more work, etc to get to a point in which I live out the healthy beliefs/identity more than the unhealthy beliefs/identity. 

I don’t know if any of this makes sense to others, but it has been a healthy way for me to process. Now I’m going out to hike in the snow with my hubby!