I just got out of counseling, and I have so many things going through my brain. I feel the need to blog to get some thoughts out, but they are a bit jumbled at the moment. I will probably have a follow up post.
I really loved my previous counselor and felt like she was hugely helpful for where I was in my life, but I feel like this one is perfect for what I need right now. I always feel like God provides in that way. AND. It’s only $10 to see her… she does therapy AND med management. I just can’t get over that.
Today was our first “real” therapy session because our appointment last week was just a “get to know you” session of sorts.
During our session today, she did agree that a lot of what I shared was ADHD thoughts and behaviors. I KNOW I have ADHD (and so do my friends and family now that I have the diagnosis), but it was helpful to talk that out with her as well.
I was talking about how this weekend I just did one thing after another after another and actually did really well mentally/emotionally. But I also notice that I struggle to rest. When I rest, I get anxious and depressed. I think part of that is because I wear myself out when I’m going going going.
I also talked a lot about how I start projects a lot and don’t finish them. I feel like I don’t follow through with a lot, I struggle with consistency, I have these huge expectations for myself then end up just not doing the thing at all after all of the preparation, I am all-or-nothing with a lot of things, and I am a major perfectionist (which is why I do nothing if I can’t do it all… if that makes sense).
I started a Childbirth Education certification course in 2012 that I never finished. I keep “picking it back up” to “set it back down again” when I feel like I can’t continue. I paid for a nutrition coaching certification course that I never finished. I have started innumerable projects and not finished or not used whatever I spent hours and money on creating. I’ll start a very strict way of eating (and spend a fortune on it) to just give up two days in. I’ll start a new curriculum (that isn’t cheap) to give up on it soon after we started. I have quit many jobs mid-year. We have homeschooled off and on, off and on.
Then.
She had me list everything that I have “finished” over the years (or just things that I have been able to complete or feel consistent with). It was actually quite a few things! Some things that she listed that I have followed through on were: two homebirths, fighting hard to nurse despite having insufficient glandular tissue, being married for 20 years (this is huge since we have been through SO much), I have continued to pick back up on my movement habit, I’m pretty consistent with imperfect nutrition, and just even sticking with things over the years that are important to me.
It was super helpful. I also realized that there are certain things that I think are important, that fill my cup, that I want to be part of my life, that I might “hyperfocus on,” but it’s okay because I enjoy them and it doesn’t hurt anything. She realized that I’m a very “creative” person in that I kept saying I like to create this and that. She said sometimes creative people with ADHD tend to start a lot of projects and not finish them, and that’s okay!
I read most of one of my blog posts to her, and this part stood out to her:
“Years ago, a friend told me about a phrase in the Bible: Cease Striving.
It comes from Psalm 46:10. Here is the whole verse:
“Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exhausted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth.” (this is from the NASB version)
Ultimately, with a Kingdom mindset, I can be reminded that He is God and He will be exalted no matter what.
That also helps me rest in knowing that I won’t screw up my kids. God has them. He loves them more than I do, and He will use them to exalt Himself. He will fill in the gaps for His will and purpose for their lives.”
She reminded me that God loves me just as much as He loves them… more than I love myself. He loves me with a perfect love right here, right now.
I think I’m constantly feeling the need to prove myself. That’s part of where the perfectionism comes from.
I have this deep “understanding” that who I am right now is not okay. Part of that is being bullied growing up (physically even), and even being bullied by other adults. I have pretty much always felt like I annoyed everyone and that I need to be different. Who I am is a burden.
I hate that I am all over the place, that I get passionate about things, that I overshare, that I hyperfocus, that I’m loud, that I am a perfectionist, that I have anxiety, that I am impulsive and act out of emotion. But I just am who I am. I have to stop trying to be someone different just because I *think* I might annoy others. I also don’t have to prove myself to anyone.
I am enough.
When I create stuff, I always feel the need to share it with everyone as if I need others’ approval to know that what I did was good. Since I don’t think I’m enough, I am trying to make myself worthy by creating something cool, being “spiritual,” and showing a perfection that I truly am not attaining… I just wish I was.
I overshare on social media because I want approval and connection. I want to relate with others desperately.
Sometimes I don’t even know if I know myself. Even at the age of 41. I mean, I do in a lot of ways… but when I make decisions, am I making them for ME and MY family? Or am I doing it because I feel it’s what I *should* do?
I have allowed social media to affect me so much. It causes a lot of anxiety and makes it so that I feel so disconnected from myself.
Starting tomorrow, I’m going to do a social media fast for at least 40 days for Lent (yes, again). I’m praying that I will be able to stay off. I’m so addicted. But I also feel this need for “connection” even though it’s not real. I will continue to blog because this is my outlet.
My kids are tired of me being on social media. They are tired of me taking pictures to post. They are tired of me not being connected with them. I’m tired of social media being the last thing I do before I fall asleep and the first thing I do when I wake up. It affects every part of my life. When something negative happens on social media, it makes me anxious and affects my day. Which is often, to be honest.
My goal is connection. I want to connect with Jesus on a new level. Even sitting and journaling and doing Bible study in the mornings is constantly interrupted by my phone. I want to be connected with my husband and kids, and not have my face staring at a screen all day, every day. I want to connect with myself… what’s truly important to me? What do I believe to be true? What do I enjoy? What can I let go of? What am I good at? What do I want to spend my time on?
This is going to be hard. I am going to want to give up and just re-download the apps and reactivate. I’m going to want to see what people are up to. I’m going to want to find some connection. But the cool thing is, ACTUAL connection happens so much better off of social media anyway.
When I was looking for a Lent graphic on Canva (I didn’t feel like making one from scratch this time), I found this:
Connection, not perfectionism. Growth. Transformation. But not to be “more perfect,” to remember that I am nothing without Him. To focus on things that really matter.
simplycourtney.org 