Learning to Control the Chaos in My Head

I feel like I’ve lost sight of a lot the past week or two.

Last year (especially in the fall), my relationship with Jesus grew to a whole new level. I was spending time with Him every single morning without fail… praying for a long time, spending time in His Word, and worshiping Him. I would worship Him all day, really. Robert and I were both really seeking His will in the possibility of leaving a place that we had been for a long time. We weren’t really sure that we wanted to, but we also felt that God was calling us to it. 

I was enjoying my little backyard homestead, enjoying spending a lot of time in the kitchen, having a decently chill homeschool day with the boys (well, as much as I could with teen boys with ADHD), going to therapy, eating all homemade food (for the most part), and yes, there was also anxiety about the possibility of moving out of state, but I felt okay. 

When we came to visit this camp, we knew without a shadow of a doubt that God was calling us here. We had so much peace, and I still believe that 1000%. This place is amazing. We know this is where we are supposed to be. Even God-ordained things can’t change how my brain always decides to act during the winter. I really thought I was going to avoid it because of my treatments, but it decided to hit anyway. 

When my depression hits, I feel like my brain is chaos. Everything feels like an emergency. I have physical anxiety symptoms. I’m VERY emotionally disregulated, struggle to maintain any sort of consistency or routine, feel like I’m annoying everyone around me, spend a lot more impulsively (a lot of it is unhealthy coping), struggle to do the things that I enjoy (like being in the kitchen), drink more soda, eat more processed food, don’t workout as much, struggle to focus on reading, super distracted all the time, seek everyone’s advice for how to perfect all of the things that feel like chaos, can’t think clearly or remember things, and I really struggle to focus in my time with Jesus. It feels like everything is spinning out of control. I hate it SO much. I tend to either leave social media or deactivate. Then I go right back to it because I’m addicted, quite frankly. And I’m ALWAYS wanting to overhaul everything because I must not be getting anything right (it often tends to be homeschooling curriculum and diet).

Every. Year. Without. Fail.

It’s so helpful that when I talk to people about it, almost everyone reminds me that I just had a MAJOR life change, and struggle is normal for anyone… then add in my mental health struggles, and I’m bound to struggle even more. I’m so grateful for amazing friends who are encouraging and supportive. Even people that I just recently met here! I feel like I’m so accepted here, even in the midst of my crazy brain. I know that I have nothing to be ashamed of with how much I struggle, but my brain tells me that I’m a burden to everyone around me. 

I decided yesterday to just take the next week or two to have fun with my family, get back to taking better care of myself, spend time with new friends, explore the area, and just be. I’m going to be spending some time thinking through what is best for our homeschool moving forward (at least through this summer), and stop trying to be someone I’m not and stop trying to focus on making the kids people that they aren’t. I want to accept myself and my kids for who we are and not try to put any of us into a box.

I watched an amazing reel on Instagram yesterday that was incredibly helpful for me. I tried to embed it into this post, but it wasn’t working. If you have Instagram, you should be able to watch it here. The woman also has generalized anxiety disorder, ADHD, and seasonal depression (like me), and she has kids with similar struggles as my kids. She reminded all of us to see our kids for who they are and make decisions based on that… not who we would like them to be. Same goes for myself. I am always striving to be better. Always. Sometimes it’s okay to look at who I am right here and now and live that life out to the fullest. 

Homeschooling will NEVER be perfect just as public school will definitely never be perfect. I desire for my kids to enjoy learning, for them to dig in on subjects that are exciting for them, to learn how to work/serve Jesus here at camp, grow in their relationship with Jesus and others, to learn to be kind (they are working on it… young teen years are hard), to learn to enjoy nature and adventure, and for them to just learn who they are and live that out unashamedly! 

I have been obsessing about a few subjects/curriculum and I realized today that it’s time to outsource those subjects. I’m still working on a plan, but I think it’s going to take a load off of everyone. There are certain subjects that are going so well, and we will just continue those!

I’m working hard to simplify, focusing on self-care in this season, and just remembering why we do all that we do… for God’s glory.